30. Grayson
Chapter 30
Grayson
Carlee manages to pull herself together by the time the funeral car arrives. I reach for her hand, threading our fingers together. I can feel her body trembling as we slowly walk in that direction, so I tighten my grip.
When Granny returned from her visit with Carlee and told me she wanted to do today on her own, I immediately called Reece. I may have only been a boy when I lost my dad, but I remember his funeral vividly. My mother was a mess and could barely walk, she was so overcome with grief.
A few hundred people attended. My father was a good man and loved by many. The support they brought with them that day meant so much to my family. There was no way I was going to let Carlee face today on her own.
The driver of the hearse exits the vehicle and rounds the car to where we’re standing. “Carlee,” the man says, extending his hand to her.
“Hey,” she replies.
He then moves to me. “Mark,” he says .
“Grayson.” I wrap my free hand with his.
“The pastor should be here any moment,” he says, turning his attention back to Carlee. “We’ll get started once he arrives.”
“Okay.”
“Have you chosen your pallbearers?” he asks.
“What?” Carlee gasps in horror as her large eyes move from Mark to me.
“The people you want to carry the coffin to the gravesite,” he says.
She obviously didn’t notify the funeral home that she intended to go this alone. Thankfully, I have it covered.
“I—” Before she gets to finish her answer, our attention is drawn to the black Range Rover that pulls to a stop behind us. The back door opens and Reece gets out, followed by my mother. Ashton exits the driver’s side and rounds the car to open Emma’s door. My eyes dart to Carlee and I let go of her hand, tucking her under my arm when I see a fresh wave of tears emerge.
She may not have wanted us here today, but we all love her, and there was no way we were going to let her face this on her own.
She needs us.
Carlee chose a white coffin with intricate gold accents, and it’s adorned with a mass of white roses and lilies. It was important to me that she be able to give her mother whatever kind of send-off she wanted, something I knew she couldn’t afford without help, hence the fifteen grand I got Granny to deliver. I would’ve offered to fund it myself, but I know how Carlee gets when I pay for things.
That’s why I disguised it as the money she’d gotten from the sale of her old car, and the few payments she’d managed to make on her new one. In truth, it was only a small fraction of what I gave back, but it was the only way I could get her to take it. I made Granny promise. Under no circumstances, no matter how hard Carlee fought, she wasn’t to return with that envelope.
The pastor does a nice job at the gravesite mass; Carlee is sandwiched between me and Emma, her hands wrapped in ours. When we are asked if anyone would like to say a few words, I feel Carlee stiffen beside me. I never met her mother, and from what little I know, it would be hard for me to find something nice to say, so I’m grateful when Reece steps forward.
“I would,” he says. “I only met Roxanne a handful of times, and I can’t say they were under the best of circumstances. She lived a hard and fast-paced life, constantly struggling with her addictions. I choose to believe, despite that, there was some good inside her. After all, she gave us Carlee.” He clears his throat, and I’m forced to blink a few times, trying to get my own emotions in check. “Her daughter is honest, hardworking, kind, brave, selfless, and the most inspiring person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. A precious gift to us all,” he adds, getting choked up. “It’s been my absolute pleasure to watch her grow into the woman she is today. In my heart I know her mother would be so proud of the person she’s become; despite all the odds she’s faced in her life.”
Once he’s finished speaking, Carlee lets go of our hands and steps forward. “Thank you,” she says, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I love you so much, Reece. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for you.”
“I love you too, kid,” he replies, awkwardly tapping her back, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
After the burial, we all head to the gym. Michelle stayed behind to set up some refreshments for us upon our return. Reece drives his car home, and Carlee travels with me. The mood is somber as she stares out the passenger side window in silence.
“You okay?” I ask, reaching across the center console and placing my hand on her leg.
She turns her face toward me. Her eyes are red and puffy, she looks so goddamn sad. It tears me up inside.
“I am,” she replies with a small nod. “I was dreading today; I’m not sure how I would’ve coped on my own.” She lifts one of her shoulders slightly. “I’m feeling very grateful for the amazing people I have in my life, but on the flip side, I’m sad Roxy wasn’t as lucky.”
“We all love you, Carlee.” I squeeze her leg as I speak.
“I know,” she whispers, looking down at her lap. “I know.”
“If I’d known you guys were all coming today, I would’ve organized something for afterward,” she says as I pull into a parking spot outside the gym.
“Reece has it all under control. That’s why Michelle didn’t join us at the cemetery.”
“Oh. ”
When I open her door, I hold out my hand, helping her from the car, and lead her inside. I see a long table set up against the adjacent wall when we enter, with a line of chairs on either side. Emma intercepts Carlee straight away, handing her a glass of wine.
“There’s sandwiches, pastries, and tiny cakes over there. How about I make you up a plate?” she asks.
“I’m not hungry right now,” Carlee replies. And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear her utter. I understand exactly how she’s feeling, but it still concerns me. “This is just what I need.” She brings the glass of wine to her mouth, taking a large gulp.
Emma’s concerned eyes flicker in my direction. I give her a small reassuring nod. The funeral is always the hardest. I know the coming days, weeks, and probably months aren’t going to be easy as she starts to heal. It took me a very long time to accept my father’s passing.
The girls move to take a seat, and I let them go. She needs her best friend right now. Even though we were kids at the time, Ashton was my rock after my father’s funeral. He didn’t say much more than sorry, but I knew he was there for me and that’s what mattered. We spent the entire afternoon throwing a football around in my backyard. Not a single word was spoken. It’s what I needed at the time to help release some frustration and take my mind off things.
Emma’s been beside herself with worry ever since she heard about what happened to Carlee and her mother. She was torn between driving up here and giving her the space she wanted. I’m glad she decided on the latter. It’s exactly why I stayed away.
Ashton brings me over a beer, placing his hand on my shoulder. “How are you doing?” he asks.
I shrug. I can’t seem to move past my part in this mess. For the travesties my uncle created, but also the knowledge that my persistence in seeking out Carlee is what started this domino effect.
I know Granny has reached out to my uncle’s wife to see how she and her daughters are doing, but none of us attended his funeral. He can rot in hell for all I care.
When it came time for us to leave and head back to Hermosa, my heart felt heavy. I wasn’t ready to walk away. The thought that this may be the last time I ever see Carlee again absolutely terrified me.
We’re standing on the sidewalk saying our goodbyes. Ashton and I are chatting with Reece, while Carlee, Emma, and my mom are hugging it out beside us.
The moment I notice Carlee’s body slightly jerking as she silently cries in their arms my decision’s made. I can’t leave just yet.
“Can my mom travel back with you and Em?” I ask Ashton. “I think I might hang around for a while.”
“Of course. If you want to stay for a few days, I can cover for you at the office.”
Carlee needs time, so I’m not going to overstay my welcome. “I’ll be in tomorrow; I have meetings scheduled all day.”
“Fair enough. If you change your mind let me know. Either way, I’ll make sure your mom gets home safe.”
“Thanks.”
I turn my attention to Reece. “Is it okay with you if I stay? ”
He nods. “It would be good for Carlee” is all he says.
Once the others leave, we head up to the apartment, more specifically, Carlee’s bedroom. I might be reading too much into it, but she looked relieved when I told her I was staying.
I’m sitting on the edge of her bed with my head buried in my hands while she showers. Reece is downstairs with Michelle, tidying up.
I sit up straight and rub my palms down the front of my suit pants when Carlee reenters the room. I removed my jacket and tie earlier, rolling my shirt sleeves up to my elbows.
Carlee’s hair is pulled up into a messy bun on the top of her head, and she’s void of any makeup.
She still makes me breathless.
Instinctively, my eyes travel down her body. That’s when I notice she’s wearing one of my old tees. That’s where it got to. Come to think of it, I’m missing quite a few of them.
“Nice shirt,” I say smiling. I like seeing her in my clothes.
“This old thing,” she replies with a shrug. “I have a drawer full of them.”
We both have a small laugh at that. It lightens the mood somewhat. The fact that she held on to them after all this time pleases me.
“Are you hungry? Do you want me to run out and grab you a pizza or something? ”
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks anyway though.”
I tap the space beside me. “Why don’t you lie down, and try to get some rest.”
“I… I can’t,” she says, turning her face away from mine.
“When was the last time you slept?”
She shrugs, but I can tell it’s been a few days at least. There are dark circles under her eyes and she looks exhausted. I’m guessing the nightmares are keeping her up.
The first time I saw a corpse was when Ashton’s ex-girlfriend committed suicide. I was with him the day he found her, and those images played around in my head for many months afterwards. It was a sight I hoped I’d never see again. Last week unfortunately brought that total to three. And as hard as those moments were, what broke me most that day, was seeing Carlee fall apart. It still haunts me.
“Come. Let me hold you. I’ll be on my best behavior, Scout’s honor.” When I raise my hand, doing the three-finger salute, she rolls her eyes.
“When were you a boy scout?”
“Technically never, but I would’ve been a kick-ass one if I was.”
“I see the past few years have done nothing to quell your modesty.”
Her words have me bowing my head. The past few years have been rough. “I’m still the same man you fell in love with once, albeit a little broken inside.”
“Oh, Gray,” she says, crossing the room and sitting down beside me. Reaching up she runs her fingers through my hair before placing a soft kiss on my cheek. “I’m sorry for hurting you. It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I hope you know that, no matter how misguided it may have been, I was trying to protect you.”
“I know,” I reply, my voice cracking as I speak.
“Do you want one of your old shirts to sleep in?”
“Please.”
“Okay.” She stands, making her way toward the dresser. “On one condition.”
“And what’s that?”
“You can’t take it with you when you leave.”
Her words make me smile. I hadn’t planned to. I like that there’s a piece of me here, with her.
Once I’ve stripped down to my boxer briefs, I slip on the T-shirt. When I lie down beside her, I reach over and turn off the lamp before pulling her into my arms. She scoots a little closer, hugging my waist, and resting her head on my chest. It’s nice. Neither of us speak as I stroke my fingers through her long hair.
This moment feels like old times, but the reality is the last few years apart have changed everything. I’m not sure where we’ll go from here, but I pray to God we can somehow find our way back to each other.
When I hear her yawn, I turn my face and place a soft kiss against her forehead. My hand moves upward so my fingers can massage her scalp. “Sleep.”
“Thanks for coming today, and for being here now,” she whispers into the darkness.
“There’s no place I’d rather be.” I wish we could shut ourselves away from the rest of the world and stay like this, right here, for eternity.
She lifts her leg, draping it over the top of mine. It lies mere inches away from the base of my balls. My dick is begging for some friction, and silently encouraging me to place my hand behind her knee, so I can maneuver her limb the rest of the way. I need to come up with a plan to calm him the fuck down. He’s getting way ahead of himself here. I’m simply spending the night because I don’t want Carlee to be alone, no other reason. I can’t blame the poor guy, he misses her… we both do , but now is not the time or place.
I know firsthand what the death of a parent feels like… even if hers was a shitty one, she’s hurting. I’d never take advantage of that.
Morning comes around far too quickly for my liking. Carlee has slept soundly in my arms the entire night. I have a long drive back to Hermosa Beach today, as well as back-to-back meetings, so I should’ve closed my eyes at some point and gotten some sleep, but I couldn’t.
If the past few years have taught me anything, it’s there’s no guarantee of a tomorrow. I may never get a chance to hold her like this again, so I need to savor every second. I feel like I’m trapped inside a ticking time bomb, and I don’t like it one bit.
Nothing has changed from my end, I still crave her with every fiber of my being, but a part of me fears it’s too late. The distance between us seems insurmountable. Especially after everything that’s happened in the past week.
Pushing those negative thoughts from my head, I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. Our bodies are interlocked, our limbs twisted in a chaotic knot that I can’t bring myself to untangle. As I lie here, I’m hoping with all my might this won’t be our last time together.
My life sucks without her in it.
Closing my eyes, I silently pray that the world will stop spinning, so I can stay right here, in her arms where I belong.