Chapter 53 Winnie
WINNIE
The organ plays. I straighten up at the end of the forest church aisle decorated with thousands of flowers.
“We really know how to plan a wedding, don’t we, Creampuff?”
“The tiara is a bit much.”
“Every woman should be a princess on her grandmother’s ethically challenged wedding day.”
“I kept hoping Ernie would croak before Gran could go through with it. Let that problem just solve itself.”
“You two are awful,” Mom hisses as we pass her.
I take my place next to Kathy, and Fitz takes his place next to Ernie, who’s listing over his walker.
“When are we getting cake?” the elderly man asks.
“In a little bit.” Fitz pats him.
In the audience, Fitz’s brothers make faces.
The organ music changes, and Granny slowly comes down the aisle on my father’s arm.
“My beautiful bride, Betty!” Ernie says happily.
“Er, that’s actually Frances,” Carolina whispers.
Ernie tosses Gran’s veil over her head. “Let’s have fornication, pretty lady!”
“We have to say our vows first. Isn’t he precious?” Gran giggles.
“I’m really questioning our family here,” Kathy whispers to me.
“And they always give me grief for getting with a younger woman!” Ernie laughs then leans in to kiss Gran.
“At least she’s getting him out of the nursing home.”
“Wait, what?” I hiss at Kathy.
She grimaces. “Didn’t you get the memo? He’s living with us.”
“For fuck’s—”
“You may now kiss the bride!”
“I thought Ernie had a house,” I complain.
“Ernie has a spot in a retirement condo, for which, by the way, they did go ahead and approve the Brew & Browse’s expansion. They like our sugar-free dessert options,” Kathy adds.
“Allegedly, Gran and Ernie got kicked out due to complaints about excessive noise,” Carolina tells me. “So they’re going to go buy a house at some point.”
“This is a very difficult housing market.” Gran turns to me as the photographer yells at us to look at the camera and smile.
We make our way to the reception hall, where several elderly musicians are setting up to play polka music.
“I tried to get 2 Chainz.”
“I don’t think 2 Chainz does weddings, Gran.”
“He does. Fitz checked. But your mom nixed it.” Gran shakes a fist at my mother.
The polka music starts up.
“Better do the first dance before Ernie has to go down for his nap,” Fitz tells us.
“I want some cake,” Ernie says.
“We’ll cut it in a minute,” I promise.
“Now, you’re all going to have to pull your weight,” Gran says to me as Fitz swings me around the dance floor. “There’s a big inheritance coming if we all play our cards right. Four months tops,” Gran whispers to me. “So get to baking. Add some fried foods to your repertoire.”
“Oh my gosh.”
There’s yelling from the entrance to the reception.
“Murderers! Thieves! Abusers of the elderly!” A woman in a short red spandex dress and long fake eyelashes pushes her way through the crowd. “You hussy! You stole my husband!” She slaps Gran across the face.
“Now, hell nah!” Gran rips off her wedding dress. “You wanna fight? Let’s go! I didn’t steal him—I married him fair and square!” She puts up her fists.
“I’m really sorry about this,” I say to the guests.
The polka players soldier on.
“I married him first. I have a wedding certificate!” Spandex Woman announces.
“You didn’t marry him! That’s a fake wedding certificate!” Another older woman rushes into the room.
“Damn, how many wives you got, Ernie?” Fitz asks.
“Cake?” Ernie asks, grimacing. “I’m having a heart attack!”
“No, you’re not!” wife number two or three hollers. “You owe child support!”
“And you owe me alimony!”
“Trying to skip town, my ass.”
Ernie is summarily hauled out of the wedding.
“Well, damn.” Fitz looks around.
“You should have gone with Bob, Gran.”
“Dammit, he didn’t have as much money. Ain’t that just the way.” She tosses her bouquet on the ground.
“Well, I guess it’s all on us.” Fitz leans in to kiss me.
“Turns out I’m just like you.” Gran slaps Fitz on the ass. “A bigamist. Who would have thought.”
Fitz’s brothers look scandalized.
“I’m not ashamed of my past,” he tells them.
“You know what? I think I will actually move in with you,” I tell Fitz.
“Yeah? Well, only if I get to kidnap you out of your house.”
“I will go willingly.”
He leans in. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I whisper and let him twirl me around the dance floor filled with confused guests.
Gran’s trying to get her dress back on while Mom complains loudly and assures Fitz that normally, our family does not act like this at black-tie events.
I go over to the cake.
“Isn’t this bad luck to cut someone else’s wedding cake?” he asks as I pick up the knife.
“I baked this cake and decorated it.” I smear frosting on his mouth and kiss it off. “And I’m going to eat it off the man I love if I want to.”