Chapter 11
chapter
eleven
Emory
Once all the oxytocin and dopamine lowers post orgasms, the reality sets in. I’m still on Jude’s lap and he’s softening inside me.
He gives me an achingly sweet smile.
Then Rosie is scratching at the door asking to go out.
“Uh,” I say.
“I’ll get her,” Jude says. He gives me a sweet kiss, then lifts me off his lap. After taking care of the condom and slipping back on his sweatpants, he takes Rosie outside.
Self-consciously, I stand and pull my clothes from the night before back on. I don’t regret the sex. It was amazing. But I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t have hookups. At least not anymore. I went through a very short phase when I was eighteen—right after Buck died—where I made some poor choices.
That had just been teenage rebellion and a young, sad girl looking for anyone to belong to. It hadn’t worked, and I’d stopped before things had gotten bad.
Funny though, nothing with Jude felt like just sex. With him, there had been a connection I’ve only ever read about in books or seen in movies.
My silly heart was filled with hope. The cynical part of me, my self-preserving brain, tried to remind me that this wasn’t how things worked out for me. I’d had sex with a man who’d been celibate for more than a decade. Of course he’d wanted me when we were naked in the bed together.
He comes back in while I’m in the midst of this inner turmoil. He stops short when he sees my face.
“Whoa, Peaches, what’s the matter?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admit.
Rosie jumps on the bed and licks my hand, then curls her little body next to me.
Jude kneels on the floor in front of me. He tucks my hair behind my ears. “Hey, what does that mean?”
Rosie leans her head to reach him and licks his hand too. Her show of affection unlocks something inside me. My pup has always been a good judge of character. She’s alerted me more than once when there’s been someone unsavory near by, and it’s saved my ass.
“She likes you,” I tell Jude.
“I like her too. I’m hoping that you like me as well,” he says.
Is it possible that he could be scared just like me?
“I like you as well,” I say, finding it impossible to lie.
He gives me a sexy smile. “I want you to know that I see you, Emory. I know this thing between us is happening at light speed. It’s not too fast for me at all because I’ve been waiting for you. But I can see the apprehension in your eyes.”
“You don’t know me, not really. We only just met.” Even as I say the words, they feel untrue.
He cups my face, thumbing away tears I didn’t even know had escaped. “My heart knows you. That’s all that matters to me.”
“What does any of that mean?” I ask.
“It means I’m all in, Peaches. I don’t want just last night or just a fling. I’m in this with you for the long haul.”
I blink at him, still unsure of what he’s trying to communicate to me.
“I’ll always have your back. I’ll always protect you and take care of you. If you’ll let me.”
“I can take care of myself,” I say.
“I know you can, baby. And you’ve done a great job of it. But wouldn’t it be nice to share life’s burdens? To have a partner to experience all of the joys with?”
“I’m not sure,” I say.
“Relying on someone else or letting someone take care of you doesn’t make you weak.”
“Maybe not in your experience.”
“What if I needed you? What if last night I’d injured myself and I’d needed you to take care of me? Would that make me weak?”
“Of course not, but that’s different.”
“It’s not though. I know what you’re saying. I hear what you’re not saying. You got dealt a shit hand and had to grow up on your own. All the families that only took you in for the financial assistance the state paid them. I don’t know how many houses you lived in during your time, but more than one is more than enough.”
Again, he swipes at my cheeks. “I can’t fix any of that. Just like I couldn’t fix things when my parents died too young and too healthy, leaving us four kids alone. But we had each other and I did what I needed to do. Let me do that for you. For us. I’ll do all the heavy lifting. But I want you to belong to me, Emory. I want to belong to you. I love you.”
His words set off a cacophony of emotions in my body. My heart and brain fighting for dominance. I really want to shove my fear aside and trust him. I want to let myself love him too.
“How can you say all of this? Make promises for forever? Always is a long time?”
He chuckles. “Because I know how I feel. Once I love someone, it’s a love that doesn’t go away. Besides, love isn’t an emotion, Peaches. It’s a decision. It’s a daily commitment to be there for the people who are your family. Whether they be family by blood, by marriage or any other choice. What if the whole reason you randomly ended up in my town and calling my garage for a tow was for us to meet? Maybe all the traveling you’ve been doing has been you searching for something. Is it wrong for me to hope it’s me you’ve been searching for?”
My heart is pounding. “I’m scared,” I admit.
He kisses my forehead. “I know, baby, and that’s okay. As long as you don’t let that fear prevent you from living, then it’s okay.”
I give him a small smile. “I can’t actually leave until my tire arrives.”
“Does that mean you’re willing to give us a chance?”
“Maybe.”
“Is there anything I can say or do that will convince you I mean what I say? We could get married and then take in a bunch of older kids from foster care to give them a chance. Show them what it’s like to be part of a family.”
I release a watery laugh. “You’ve already raised three sisters.”
“I have. And I’d do it again. And I’ll do this for you if you need me too.”
“I don’t think I need you to, but I might want to discuss the possibility later.”
“Fair enough.”
“We can go as slow as you need to, as long as you’ll give me a chance to prove I’m the real deal.”
“What if I don’t want to go slowly?” I ask.
“Then we can fly to Vegas tonight and get married. I love you, Emory. I’m in love with you.”
“I think I might love you too, Jude.”
“I’ll take it.”
And then he kisses me breathless.