Chapter 17 #2
“Why not?” Mebel says. “You were the one who asked for one.”
“That was different,” Henk says vehemently.
“Oh right, that was when you had a girlfriend. Now that she’s left you, you want your wife back. Well, I have thought about it, and I’d like to go ahead with the divorce.”
“Oh my god, Mami, you’re being so crazy,” Sammy says.
“You’ve made your point, okay? You need to think about how this is going to affect everyone.
It’s humiliating for all of us. We get it, you want Papi to beg you to come back.
He’s done that. Can you just get over yourself and admit that a divorce isn’t going to happen? ”
Mebel turns to face Sammy, and he must’ve caught the full force of fury burning bright on her face, because his mouth snaps shut.
“No,” Mebel says slowly, enunciating every word.
“He hasn’t actually done that. I haven’t heard him beg.
And how come when your father was the one demanding a divorce, you were all for it, but now that I’m the one asking for one, you call me crazy?
What’s the difference? Is it just that he’s a man, so he has the right to want a divorce, whereas for a woman to want one, it’s unthinkable? ”
Sammy’s mouth parts as he sucks in a breath, but he doesn’t say anything.
Mebel turns to Henk, who looks like he’s about to explode.
“You thought that you’d come here and I would be swept back into your arms and come home and be a good trophy wife to you.
That I would want to save face and sweep everything under the rug, that’s what you thought.
You thought an apology would be enough to make everything right, but it’s not.
So what if you said you’re sorry? So what if you think you’ve changed?
I do hope you have changed, Henk. I hope you’re not the same old person who would think nothing of destroying forty years of marriage without so much as a backward glance.
I’m glad for you, if you have changed. But that doesn’t mean I am healed.
What about the impact that your selfishness had on me?
On my self-esteem? My trust? You think ‘sorry’ will fix all of that?
” She snorts. “You know why you fell for Wendy?”
There is a moment of silence, then Henk shakes his head hesitantly.
“You fell for Wendy because, yes, she is young and full of life and so on, but I think you were attracted to her because she was also a woman with her own career. She didn’t exist merely to be a decorative piece to some man’s life.
She had her own purpose in life.” Mebel meets Hannah’s eye before saying the next sentence.
“I never had my own purpose. My parents raised me to be a wife and nothing more. And I don’t know if cooking is my purpose, but I do know that it’s something I myself own. It’s the only thing that’s all mine.”
Hannah bites her lip, and Mebel wonders what Hannah would’ve been like if she hadn’t been brought up in their culture. If she’d been told by her parents that the purpose of her life isn’t solely to find a good husband, but to find a career she loves, what would Hannah have chosen as a job?
“And,” Mebel continues, “yes, you will all absolutely lose face when we divorce. It’s an unfortunate part of our society.
But don’t forget that you were the one who wanted one in the first place.
And I have learned something about losing face.
It hurts, but after a while, it will pass. You’ll survive.”
“You’re being so selfish,” Sammy says.
“Shut up!” Mebel snaps, and the rage oozing out of her is white-hot as she turns to glare at her son. “I am your mother, don’t you forget that. Just because I have doted on you all these years, you think you can treat me with disrespect?”
Sammy leans back as though trying to increase the space between him and her rage.
“I have spoiled you,” Mebel hisses. “You want to talk about selfish? I have raised you to be a Chindo boy, and there is no one in the world as selfish and self-centered as a privileged little boy, and that is what you are. I am telling you right now, son, treat your wife better than how your father has treated me. If you don’t, you will regret it one day.
Just look at your father if you don’t believe me.
” With that, Mebel gives a small nod to Hannah, another searing glare at Henk, and stands up.
“Come give me a kiss goodbye, Luciana darling. I will see you back in Jakarta after my semester ends.” As she embraces Luciana, Mebel catches Hannah’s eye and says, “You raise these girls right, not the way you and I have been raised, you hear me?” Hannah gives a nod so tiny it is almost imperceptible, but Mebel catches it all the same.
After hugging and kissing her granddaughters, Mebel strides out of the Old Bank Hotel, her head held high.
She takes in her surroundings as she walks, breathing in deeply.
She wears a confident smile until she rounds the corner, when the reality of what she’s just done slams into her like a speeding truck.
Mebel staggers into the side of the building and clutches the wall, panting, her mind reeling with dizziness.
A passerby walking her dog stops next to her. “Are you all right?”
It is all Mebel can do to make herself nod. She waves limply at the woman to leave her alone, and fortunately, she gets the message and carries on her way. Mebel stands there for a while, slumped against the wall, her chest heaving. My god, she thinks, what the hell did I just do?
You asked Henk for a divorce, her mind answers. Actually, you demanded a divorce from him.
She could scream with frustration right now, she really could. Why did I do that? It’s this stupid fucking temper of mine. Look at me, sixty-three years old, and I still don’t know how to control my emotions.
For a few moments, her mind is silent. Then it says, Well…
Well, what? Mebel thinks.
Well, is it actually your temper though? Or is it that a divorce is what you secretly wanted?
That’s crazy. She doesn’t want a divorce. She wants her old life back.
Mebel imagines a life in Jakarta as a divorcée. It is an awful thought. No friends, zero invitations to social events, and a shitty house that she’d have to downsize into.
Then again, says her traitorous mind, do you even want to move back to Jakarta? Cowley is perhaps not the best city in the world, but you’re doing well here, enrolled in the culinary school. I think what you should do is…
Yes? Mebel asks her mind expectantly. What should I do?
Maybe move to New York City and work there as a chef?
Mebel rolls her eyes. “I’m way too old for that,” she says out loud in Indonesian.
A father walking with his toddler gives her a weird look and walks faster away from her.
Mebel has never been the kind of person who strangers would avoid.
She has always been highly regarded because she’s always dressed to the height of perfection and has always been so well composed her entire life.
But look at her now, scaring away grown men.
She snorts at the thought. In a way, it’s kind of liberating.
I have no fucking clue what I am going to do with my life, she thinks.
And though it is a terrifying thought, it also comes with no small amount of excitement.
She senses that feeling again, the one she used to have back at USC, the sensation of being at the doorstep of the universe, looking down and seeing an entire galaxy at her feet, distant planets glimmering invitingly, and all she has to do is keep walking forward.
And this time, her life path isn’t one that has been prescribed to her by others.
It is going to be one that she paves one step at a time, all on her own.