Fifteen
FIFTEEN
Orlando
D arkness greeted me early in the morning. The comfortable bed could not cradle away the frustration that settled in my bones after the night I had with Trinidad. Her scent of lemons, passion, and woman still lingered even after I’d taken a shower and brushed my teeth. Or maybe it was just my imagination, conjuring her yet again so I would remain taunted and unfulfilled.
I didn’t care about coming; well, I fucking cared about coming, but I didn’t need to come last night to feel satisfied. Trinidad’s ecstasy had been a sweet reward until that man she dated called and poured cold water into the pseudo intimacy we had created together. One call, and we both stepped back into reality. A reality where the two of us had no future, not even a present together.
Damn.
Avoidance helped me so much in many ways, but not in this matter. My brain and heart refused to connect. No matter the reality, falling in love with her was nonsensical; my heart had started the process months ago with no input from me. Catching feelings for an unattainable woman tracked, though. When had I ever gotten what I wanted?
If the bed wasn’t going to help, maybe an early run would do the trick. My mood needed to shift by the time I hit the road with Trinidad; I couldn’t let her see how affected I still was from last night. Trinidad did not need the burden of my hurt feelings from her rejection. She’d set her intentions clearly from the beginning of the day, regardless of how well we’d clicked and how charged the sexual tension was between us.
Getting my shorts and trainers on, I quietly left the house, hitting the pavement as if it owed me for last night. In any other place I’ve traveled, I’ve never felt fully comfortable running for exercise unless it was at a gym or a park. Here in Ofele, there was no fear of being mistaken for anything but a tall, dark-skinned Black man on a morning jog. Shit felt good.
The heat subsided enough to make the run an okay one. By the time I came back to the rental, the sunrise sun glowed, illuminating the streets of Ofele with that otherworldly gleam. Upstairs I heard steps, probably Trinidad getting ready to head out. I had about fifteen minutes to shower and be ready to take her based on that time we had agreed upon. She’d texted me last night asking to head to the airport early, without knowing if Delilah or the kids had even gotten her a flight. We’d texted back and forth. I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to rush there without a precise plan, but she was adamant.
Trinidad: I figure, if I’m there early, I can charm my way onto a flight.
As promised, I stood by the door at seven, and Trinidad emerged from her room with her luggage.
“Let me help you with that.” I moved with the speed required to avoid her saying no. By the time she opened her mouth, I was already halfway up the stairs.
“Oh, you don’t have—”
“I do,” I said, grabbing her carry-on and going straight back down. Movement prevented my organs from rioting against me in her presence. I didn’t need to focus on the ache in my chest and the hardness between my pants after seeing her today and smelling her citrus and woman scent. Just the scent reminded me of last night, and I half wished I’d waited to wash my face a little longer.
“Alright,” I heard behind me as we made it outside. “Did you sleep okay?” she asked, attempting to pretend everything was okay.
“I slept like shit, but I think you knew that already.”
“I didn’t. I mean, I was hoping that wasn’t the case.”
“I know, sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so…salty. My apologies.” Once I put her luggage in the trunk, I rushed to open the door of the car before her. I stared, frozen in time and place, focused on her alone.
Trinidad, under this sleepy sun, shades on in a black maxi dress with straps. Trinidad, with the awkward, apologetic smile and glowing ochre-brown skinI now knew tasted like a spiced bun and all the good things in life. Trinidad, with her back to me, determined to head back to New York for a man who did not deserve or fit her.
“It’s okay, Orlando, last night…yeah, I wish things were different.”
But they were not.
“So, did you sleep okay?” I asked her, eager to erase the awkwardness settling between us. It was a long drive; we didn’t need to be uncomfortable for all these hours.
“I didn’t, but it’s hard for me to settle in a new bed at first.” She fidgeted with her purse strap while talking. Right now, she was full of shit. But I wasn’t going to call her out on that. She could have slept really well after I put her to bed after a few sessions, which only our bodies were required to attend.
“Good, good.” Shit, this was going to be awkward, wasn’t it? Just as I got on the highway toward Jacksonville, my phone rang in my pocket. I connected the call to Bluetooth, clutching the steering wheel tight, bracing for whatever was coming.
“Yo, Orlando, you good? Listen, I don’t know, man. I’m trying, but Mom’s tripping. You said she has to take those pills at night, but she didn’t want to take them last night. Today she acting a little funny. Should I give them to her now, or wait? I don’t remember what you said,” Camilo said, not stopping to hear if I was good or not. Typical.
“I’m alright, man. Listen, I left you all the notes in your notes app. What happened?”
“Shit, my bad, I erased that; I figured I got this. She’s my mom too, you know; I try to pay attention. But yeah, I don’t have it.”
Thank God for the clear road. Trinidad’s stare nudged me, but I stayed put, holding it all in. The urge to punch the steering wheel was intense, but it subsided as I counted my way from thirty to one.
“Man, you there? I need to know what to do?”
“You can’t give her the meds now, not those. Make sure she takes the morning dose, and she’ll be okay. She needs to go outside today, no fussing. The sun helps her to stay regulated. A walk won’t hurt. And if she’s being stubborn, make her mashed potatoes and fried chicken tonight and hide the meds in the potatoes… . It works like a charm. Alright, I gotta go; I’m taking Ms. V to the airport,” I said. No point in getting mad at him, for what? Camilo would just brush my anger off, which wouldn’t solve anything.
“Ohhh fine ass Ms.—”
Sometimes, hanging up a call was all you could do.
The quiet in the car grew intense until I started my road trip playlist. The nudging hadn’t stopped, but keeping my eyes on the road was very, very important. Super important.
“I don’t know what to say first…” Trinidad finally broke the silence. “I mean. First of all, how old is your brother?”
“Camilo is twenty, about to be twenty-one,” I explained.
“Huh…”
Silence again. But now, the curiosity wouldn’t let me focus on the road the way I was before.
“Huh?” I stole a glance at Trinidad, and she was sitting facing me completely, her expression contemplative.
“It is not my business at all, but at twenty, what were you doing for your siblings and mother?”
The road widened in front of me. The sun shined a little brighter, and the music suddenly sounded clearer. Then it all dulled again, and I stole another look at Trinidad.
“When I was twenty, I finally convinced Mom to be more diligent about her medications. I was in college and making sure my brothers were good. Apparently, I was also creating life without even knowing it.” I chuckled.
“Mm-hmm. I think you know what I mean but you don’t want to face it yet, and I respect that. I only wanted to point it out.”
These were all thoughts I had before. My brothers could be more responsible; I had to be—I had no choice, but why rob them of theirs? They were allowed to be teenagers and young adults now; it was the right thing to do. If I had to carry the burden for them to have regular lives, then…that was the hand I was dealt. Miles Morales didn’t complain when the mantle of responsibility fell on him. Why would I complain now?
“Nah, it’s okay; I can thug it out.”
You know when Latine moms disagree on something but are trying to stay quiet? That loud disapproval hovering all over, the passive-aggressiveness choking everyone out? Yeah, Trinidad was damn good at that.
“If you say so…” Trinidad was about to say more, but her phone rang. She immediately started miming to it and answered as she kept mouthing a name. It took me a second, but I quickly picked up it was Delilah.
“Hello! How you doing?” Trinidad said, animated.
“Yes! I am here with him,” she answered after a brief pause. “Can I put you on speaker? Great!”
“So first, the good news, Orlando, we found a bakery we think your girl used to work at. We are not certain, but you can go and visit it today! It’s on the old part of Ofele. It’s called The House of Sweets. They should probably be able to help you some!”
Damn, that had been quick and effective. My heart tripped at the news; I was one step closer to meeting my daughter.
“…news is that there are no flights today that would cost you less than $3,000 and two stops to get to NY. I even looked for Newark. I guess summer travel is back. Also… I kept looking just in case; Saturday has very similar pricing. It drops on Sunday.”
“Oh…my flight leaves on Monday. Sunday, it makes no difference at that point.” Monday was a day off for Milton and the office, so they were going to be there until that day, but that would be too late.
“So sorry, hun. I really wanted to help! It’s a very busy weekend. Overall, there are a lot of activities happening across the state that are increasing the pricing. But now you get to enjoy our wonderful carnival!” Delilah said, trying to infuse some positivity to the bad news. My news had been fantastic, but I couldn’t help the desire to comfort Ms. V with her bad news, news that sparked renewed hope in me. Maybe, just maybe, we’d be able to…nah. I needed to stop dreaming.
“You’re right, Delilah. I have to look at this on the bright side. Alright, then, thanks so much!”
“You’re welcome, darling. If you both are up to it, Mikey and I are hosting a fete on a yacht tonight; you should come through! I’ll send you the deets via text.”
I mouthed, “Deets?” and widened my eyes at Trinidad, and she rolled her eyes back at me.
After a final round of goodbyes, she hung up.
“Before you ask, deets is definitely some old people shit.”
“Boy, if you don’t stop.” Trinidad’s laughter filled the car and occupied my chest with joy. My God, but the woman was gorgeous. Her neck lengthened as she threw her head back, letting the hilarity of the moment erase her disappointment. I got it; I did that often, and she was doing it now, too, embracing the reality no matter how sour it was—making lemonade right before my eyes.
Once her laughter subsided, she transformed once more. Her shoulders, previously relaxed, went into attention, and she turned to me eyes filled with determination. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her so bad.
“You know, I bet you that’s why the boys haven’t answered my text messages. They can’t tell me straight up they haven’t found something. I’ll taunt them the whole trip with the fear of being grounded for the summer. And I will enjoy the Ofele carnival. Milton will understand. Now, the only thing missing is finding me a hotel.”
“Hotel? Nah, you staying with me. Listen, there are probably no hotels available, and I promise not to repeat last night’s occurrence.” Back to focusing on the road. At this point we were about half an hour away from Ofele, so I quickly changed our destination in my navigation system and got us on the direction back to the rental.
“I can’t continue imposing, besides… I kind of want what happened last night to happen again, which is why it is not the best idea for me to stay with you,” Trinidad said nonchalantly.
Nothing felt nonchalant after hearing her words. We were lucky I was a good driver and didn’t crash us. But then I remembered she still wanted to be with that goofball Milton.
There was a time to be respectful of another’s dude woman, but this man had never claimed Trinidad from what the twins had explained. Why was I letting him take so much space this weekend? If anything, this was my chance to prove to Trinidad she had a better chance at all her dreams with…fuck, I was getting ahead of myself. One step at a time.
“Would it help if I promise I’ll behave? I don’t want you to waste money when I have that big rental,” I said.
“Why did you rent something so big, by the way?” she wondered, sidestepping my question. I would allow it for now. I sighed, not wanting to share my silly expectations, even though I knew any silly, important, or vulnerable thoughts were safe with Trinidad. Yesterday, I had shared with her many things I kept inside, and if anything, it seemed to make her like me more.
“I thought I could convince Maria to stay in the other room with our daughter, so we had some time to get to know each other. I really thought I was going to arrive at the Ofele airport and magically find them waiting for me with a welcome sign and big smiles.”
“Oh…that, I get that. It’s a little fantastical, not gonna lie, but I get it, wanting the best-case scenario, seeing the glass half-full, that is how you make it every day, isn’t it?” she asked.
Man, if only she knew.
“Yeah, that is how I make it day by day. Positive thinking. I mean, the few times I focused on the negative, my mood just…it didn’t feel any type of good.” That was the best I could do to explain my fears and concerns about letting my mind wander into a place where I wouldn’t be able to retrieve it again.
“I do, too, but I’ve learned not to get so overly positive that I disconnect myself from everything I’m feeling.”
I let her words sit for a minute, seeing their wisdom but not ready to fully unpack their meaning in my life.
“Does it work for you?” I asked instead.
“Sometimes.” She gifted me with a bright, self-deprecating smile, and I smiled back at her, unable to contain my curiosity.
“So, are you gonna stay with me?” I kept my eyes on the road, driving us back to Ofele. The sky could not be a brighter blue, clear with a thousand possibilities.
“I will; thanks for the offer, but do not let it derail you from your plans with your friends. I can link up with Delilah and Mikey and hang out with them for carnival—”
“Nah, that’s not going to work. Listen, you just told me you are equally as tempted as I am. So, let’s do this; let’s go with the flow this weekend. The kids are not here. Milton is not here. This is a golden opportunity. At least, that’s how I see it, and I hope you see that too. Give me a chance, Ms. V. I’ll make sure you have a good time.”
“But Milton…”
“But Milton? Nah, he could have been here. He chose not to be. He could have been your man. But he ain’t. His loss, my chance.”
My words came out exactly how I needed them. They did not betray the chaos of nerves making my blood pump twice as fast. Signs of moisture appeared on the steering wheel, and I tried to hide them when she turned her gaze toward her window.
“Listen, I’m not promising anything but going with the flow. That I can do. Or at least I hope I can do,” she said into the window. And for once, I realized Trinidad probably was feeling similar nerves to mine. I reached out, wanting to reassure her and calm any nerves.
“I get it, and that’s enough for me,” I whispered, holding her hand. Hers was equally damp. My heart hammered in my chest. This felt like a huge leap, and I didn’t know if there was anything below to catch me.
“So instead of going to the rental, why don’t we go to that bakery Delilah mentioned?” she said as tension rose between us, palpable.
“Are you sure?”
“Of course, this is so important to you, and it seems you don’t prioritize yourself much. If I’m to go with the flow this weekend, my ask is that you prioritize yourself just a little.” Trinidad fixed her eyes on me, not letting me go.
“Okay, so this weekend, we are letting go and prioritizing ourselves,” I said, then winked at her. Her dazzling smile was the perfect reward.
Now I had to figure out how the fuck to prioritize myself…
Easy.