Twenty-One
TWENTY-ONE
Orlando
A n hour to wait to talk to Trinidad felt too long. The vibe of the night disintegrated with her departure, all my worries flooding in behind. I hadn’t told Trinidad about my feelings because her readiness to speak on these topics seemed tepid at best. For me to open up and be vulnerable the way I’d practiced this weekend, I needed to feel secure. That security that surrounded us yesterday in the fun house deserted me, and everything loomed uncertain.
The music blasted in my ears, my heart and head hurting, as I sat next to my friends. Should I go to her now and ask for a talk? No, she’d been adamant about needing time; encroaching on her way of getting her head straight was an asshole move.
“You are overthinking things right now.” Grace’s warm whisper shook me out of my dark thoughts.
“What do you mean?”
“I can see how you are there convincing yourself this is not for you.” She shrugged. “Come, I’ll walk you to your car.” She stood up, palm extended. Trevor and Desmond stared at me, and then both nodded.
“You good, man, go have that talk,” Desmond said.
The fuck was happening? This wouldn’t have happened a week ago. Trevor would have made fun of me wanting to leave, and Desmond would have sat there looking unbothered. Just a conversation today and Trinidad’s words yesterday pushed our friendship to a different space. There was still more for me to open up about, but damn, it felt good to be vulnerable with my friends.
Grace’s small stature was no impediment for her to commandeer space through the crowd until we made it to the parking lot. I swear the woman had the presence of a six-four offensive tackle.
“So…what are you gonna do?” Grace asked me once we both got into my rental car.
“She’s not ready.” I shook my head. Saying the words aloud hurt my chest.
“How do you know if you don’t ask her?” Grace opened the windows, the melody of the crashing waves eerily similar to the goings-on in my gut.
How do I know if I don’t ask her? Asking her exposed me. A talk meant opening to her, carving out my insides for her to inspect and decide if they were valuable enough for her or not. It was better if I kept it all inside, and then when the disappointment came, I could walk away with my dignity intact.
A tiny burst of pain exploded on my bicep, the force pushing me against the car door.
“Stop it. Think different. You’ve been doing that this week. Think different!” Grace’s sharp reminder penetrated the fog of disappointment, clearing the way for other thoughts. Was I really going to let Trinidad and me scare ourselves away from something that could be great? Not just great; great was not enough of a word to describe what we could be. We could be as epic as Luke Cage and Jessica Jones if we got out of our own way.
“Fuck, you’re right. How are you so wise?” I stared at her, hoping she saw the gratitude brimming out of me.
“’Cause someone has to be, in this group of obtuse people. It took Trinidad for you to open up and trust us a little more, for Trevor to realize his immaturity wasn’t letting our friendship evolve, for Desmond to…well, you know Desmond. I’m thankful for her, and I’m rooting for you both.”
“Even if she’s ten years my senior and has two kids?”
“Is that a concern for you? Because I didn’t think so.” The soca music floated from the Big Hut toward the car, complementing the silence between us.
The silence was all Grace needed to know I agreed with her. Brandon and Brian, as an addition to my romantic life, might not have been what I had envisioned for myself, but I took their existence as the blessing they were. Trinidad was an amazing woman, and the boys only added to the gift that she was. But that wasn’t enough; Trinidad had her own thoughts about the age difference. She was my hope and at the same time the biggest opp for my hopes.
“No, it’s not, but I think it is for her. She wants stability and a set future, and I still don’t know if I’m doing law school or not.” A cold pang vibrated through me.
“Sometimes we have to make sacrifices; if law school is what it takes for you to have a solid future, then…it’s worth looking at. I want you to do what you love, but hey, we’re not kids no more; this is some real-life shit. Real-life shit requires some real-life decision-making.”
“Okay, Gracedamus, with the knowledge.”
The nervous laughter escaped me, and Grace joined me. All the energy inside transformed into guffaws until my belly hurt, and I could barely breathe.
“So, you good, you got this?” Grace asked me once the soca music filtered back into the car accompanied by the gentle sounds of the ocean.
“I got it now. I need to stand up.” I nodded, and she punched me again.
“Man, what the fuck? Have you been training or something?!”
“I have! For moments just like this.” Grace smiled. Man, I was grateful for my friends. Even in difficult moments like this, I didn’t realize I had someone to lean on. With Trinidad’s gentle nudges, her showing me the possibilities of what living vulnerably looked like, I understood better than before how much I had isolated myself from those who loved me. From tonight on, I vowed to do better.
* * *
Trinidad in pj’s curled up on the sofa was the first thing that I noticed. The Grape-Nuts ice cream in her hand was the second. The tracks under her eyes were the third, and they propelled me to my knees in front of her.
“What happened?”
The smile that illuminated her face was so unexpected I leaned over to taste her sweet lips. Just our lips together eased the turmoil inside, sweetness and Trinidad. If that’s all I tasted for the rest of my life, I’d be a lucky man. Trinidad whimpered, easing out of the kiss with a dazed gaze, and my chest poofed up at the sight.
“I called my ex-hus—I called Barry. This weekend, all of it has made me wonder if my perception of my twenties and my marriage, the failure I felt in my chest, the wanting to change things, and my goal-driven mentality were the right things feel, to aspire. I don’t have the answers, but Barry confessed something to me. He never felt he could measure up to me and my dreams. All this time, I thought it was the opposite, that I was too everything, too loud, too Dominican, too strict, too demanding, and all along, he felt inadequate. Our communication skills sucked too, so no wonder we both have been under the wrong impression all this time.”
This was so unexpected I fell back, sitting on the floor in front of her, as she stretched from her curled position.
“I was feeling overwhelmed today because I’m starting to feel the same expectations I had for Barry, for you, and for me. And I’ve never felt that for Milton. Milton, though, he feels safe.”
“I can feel safe, too,” I rushed to say, then pausing to relax. This required finesse, patience.
“Yeah, I know that—that’s the scariest part. You feel safer than both of them combined, but you also make me feel a lot of other things.” She chuckled. “Bendito, I swear my coochie has never been this active, and I haven’t felt you inside yet. You’re trouble, Orlando Wiggins. A challenge to my heart.”
“And you are worth the risk to mine. I just…it’s scary as fuck. Trinidad, I know you’re looking for a partner that can build with you and the twins. I’m young, but I want that exact same thing. You know when I go to your house, I feel at home? You have that sense of belonging and peace that I aspire to create in my own place. I want that with you. I want that with the twins. Both you and they have inspired me these past months to be a different man, one more in tune with my needs and emotions. I’ve put my thoughts in a box for so long to survive caretaking my entire family that I lost touch with myself. But in these past months, that joy of life has crept back in, loud as fuck, and it’s not going anywhere. I worried that law school would be giving up on my dreams, but with you, it’s taking a risk to get closer to you, so that we can build together. Give me a chance, past this weekend. Give us a chance.”
“Bendito, how can I say no when you ask so beautifully?”
Trinidad leaned forward. The tank top she was wearing offering me a glimpse of her gorgeous breasts until all I saw was the plump cleavage. The touch of her lips on mine refocused my attention, and now, besides the sweetness and Trinidad, I tasted security and safeness. The kiss felt familiar and new, exhilarating and relaxing, arousing and never-ending.
When we finally came for air, my shirt was off, and her tank top lay discarded on the floor. Her satiny brown skin felt warm to the touch, and I got lost in exploring her. Everything we’d done so far had been quick; both of us lost in the passion of the moment. But now I could take my time. Savor the downiness of her with my lips and hands. Her heavy breasts lured me first, and the touch of her hardened nipple on my tongue was all I needed to be bursting out of my pants.
“Oh, Orlando!” Trinidad moaned, pushing her head closer, cradling me, urging me to take my fill. I lapped, licked, and nipped, elongating her nipple until her groans dictated her limit. Every vibration of her moans electrified me and incentivized me to continue driving her wild. Because she was doing the same to me.
With quick efficiency, I removed her bottoms and the rest of my clothes, the temperature in the room perfect against my skin. Or maybe it was cold, but the feverish excitement to see Trinidad Velasquez naked had broken my internal temperature gauge.
Desmond had once told me about this legend of a bombshell of a woman who lured men at night with her sensuality and looks, an insatiable being. A Ciguapa.
Trinidad, her neck tendons taut as she arched under my kisses, was how I imagined the Ciguapa. I’d never see another picture of the legend without thinking of Trinidad.
Her wetness called to me, and I ghosted two fingers between her thighs until I found her soaking wet for me.
“Que rico se siente, Ms. V.” I groaned as she clenched around my fingers, sucking me in deeper into her. Trinidad was lost in her pleasure, and fuck me I was lucky to witness it.
“Síí, Orlando, sí.” There was no coherence left in her as I drove her closer and closer to her climax, a concert of fingers and tongue, all deployed to make her mad with passion. Maybe then she could understand just how wild I was for her. I still had my worries; maybe the heat of the moment would persuade her to agree with my proposal, but for now, I packed all those doubts away and focused on my Ciguapa.
“Que linda, Ciguapita,” I teased as Trinidad spread her legs wider for me, tilting her pelvis until all I saw was her wet plumpness, her openness to take the risk with me.
“Bendito, stop teasing me!” she whined, and I put her out of her misery, tasting every inch of her until she gushed for me, soaking my hand and the floor. At this point, the owner would charge me for the liquid damage to the floors, and I would pay the fee gladly.
“Are you ready?” I checked in. Not wanting to assume that because she said she wanted me earlier we were still on the same wavelength.
“Where is the condom?” Her heavy breathing and her dancing fingers on her plump little clit were the perfect consent.
Ms. V might be ten years older than me, but damn, was she flexible. With impressive dexterity, she spread her legs wide using the sofa’s pillows as a cushion for her back. All the blood rushed to the heaviness between my legs, and I shut my eyes, overwhelmed by the earthy scent inviting me to feast.
I accepted the invitation, inch by inch submerging myself into her offering. She engulfed me and squeezed me tight once our bodies touched, and I started the mental count to a hundred. If I got to that number before the orgasm swept me away, I’d change my name to Captain America.
One…
“Ohh, Orlando, you feel so good.” Wet, tight goodness held me in a grip.
“Fuck me.” I could do this; I had to hold it in.
I lost my mental count, giving all my attention to her, the force of my thrusts solidifying every promise I made her. I would be her safety. I would be her security. I would be her solace and her partner.
“MMM, oh OH,” Trinidad whimpered as I leaned closer to her, the top of my length pressing against that good-good place that would get her gushing for me again.
“Dale, damelo, Trinidad, por favor,” I pleaded, the little blood I had left in circulation heating up inside me, driving me faster in her, getting me closer to her. I wouldn’t make it to a hundred. I needed her to come. Desperately, I searched her nub and pressed it just as I learned to do so when she was close.
That was all it took; light exploded behind my eyes. We culminated together, the force of our ecstasy shaking the sofa until I collapsed on top of Trinidad. Her body became my shelter, and as I slowed down my breath, I exhaled. Finally, I felt at home.
* * *
Moonlight bathed Trinidad’s brown skin, the bedroom transforming into a fairy’s hideaway. So much light emanated from her, I could only sit next to her, in awe. Her long lashes kissed her cheeks and the goofy-ass smile she had told me I’d shown the fuck up and given her a good time. All was right with the world.
Until my phone buzzed.
Unknown number: Hey, Orly. I heard u in town. If u gonna be in carnival tomorrow, be on the lookout. Ima find u so we can chat.
“Are you good?” Trinidad asked. She languidly stretched in the bed, the sheets that covered her belly and breasts shifted until she was completely bare. Fuck, I was a lucky-ass man to lie next to her. A lucky-ass man with a lot of shit in the bag to encumber her. Trinidad had said she was good with it all, but was she?
I was about to be a dad.
Fuck. I wasn’t about to be a dad, I had been one for a while now, without knowing.
“Oh oh, whatever is going through your head, we better talk it through, Papi,” Trinidad whispered, pulling me out of my spiral. My dick also perked up at her words, especially Papi . Damn my attention span was crap, but I was gonna focus on what was the most immediate thing.
“Papi?”
“Well, if you gonna be my man…but I can call you something else.” Her shoulders rose and fell, and her pouty lips spread open, warm breath whooshing out in a yawn.
“Nah, nah I like Papi .” My chest poofed up, imagining her sobbing and moaning “Papi” while I put her through the mattress. Just like that, I was rock-hard again.
“Oh, mi amigo wants to play again? Damn, this is going to be fun.” Trinidad stretched again, her nipples perking up in the night air.
“He does wanna play. He wanna play every time we are next to you, and many times when you’re far away. I got it bad,” I confessed. Fuck it. Keeping things inside protects me a lot, but with Trinidad, I wanted her to know it all. Damn, she had me down bad.
“Bueno pues I could be persuaded to play…” she purred, and I could swear her pussy purred too.
“I… I want that very, very much, but first…” I sat up straighter, my dick bobbing in disappointment at my decision to postpone bliss.
“Oh-oh.” Trinidad reached down and pulled the sheets over her, hiding all that beautiful skin, and shifting her body so her attention was fully on me.
“Maria…my daughter’s mother, just texted me. She…she said she wants to meet during carnival to chat.” I stretched my feet out, the warm sheets soothing my nervousness.
“Oh…that’s good news, isn’t it?” Trinidad said letting the question be the invitation I needed.
“It is, but at the same time I know its gonna change my life. Same as my dad dying changed my life. Same as my mother’s diagnosis changed my life…”
“All adding more responsibilities to your plate…” Trinidad whispered, perfectly understanding me without the need of many words.
“Yes, but responsibilities that fill me with joy, that have made me the man that I am. I am grateful, for it all, but it don’t mean it’s not more responsibility.” Fuck, saying this to her felt good. To lay down the heavy burden for a second and just share words with someone that understood them.
There was nothing she could do to change my reality. But her understanding and support gave me strength. She saw it in a way my brothers didn’t, nor even my mother. They took my caretaking for granted. Things ran well in our household and it was a given. They didn’t know any other life, and I had created that level of comfort for them all. I hadn’t let my brothers help and contribute in ways that were age appropriate because… I hadn’t wanted them to feel the same burden I did.
“I think I did my brothers a disservice,” I said, jumping topics without care. Thinking out loud with the woman of my dreams.
“Nah, at your age, trying not to add to their bag made sense to you; now that you know better, you can help them grow in that respect. It’s never too late, and you know they’re good kids, spoiled from what you’ve told me, but good kids. What else can they be? They are your brothers.” Trinidad pulled at the sheets, the soft fabric flowing right on top of my legs. The slight cold that had seeped in had gotten lost in the comfort of her presence, but she had noticed and had made sure I was comfortable. And she’d picked up on my pivot with ease. Because all of these things were interconnected for me. For her.
“Yeah, I’m going to have to if I want to be as present as I want in my daughter’s life…and law school.” I slid down from my seated position until I lay mirroring Trinidad, both on our sides, faces close by. Her soft skin over her hips beckoned me, and with the ease of long-time lovers, I gathered her close. Our legs entangling in the most comfortable way.
“Do you feel ready?” she whispered.
“I do, I feel like I was born for it. I’m nervous as fuck of course, I don’t want to fuck up in any way, but I want to be present for her. Be an active part of her life.” The scent of us together was intoxicating. I knew it would be. We lay in comfortable silence, our bodies melting into each other.
“Parenthood…is the most rewarding but hardest thing you will ever do in your life. Many times you will have to make decisions for the good of your children regardless of what you need at the time. It’s selfless work. You have been putting in that type of work since your father passed away. So I think you’ll be alright, Orlando, I really believe so. And you have friends and me to help you through the hard days. Without my family and Miranda, I don’t know what I would have done.” Her words started lagging, her brain going into slumber faster than she was ready to admit.
“Thanks, Trinidad, I…needed to hear that. I need to speak with my family, when I am back…and figure some shit out ASAP, but you’re right I’m not alone.” The weight of those words surrounded me in peace I hadn’t felt in my adult years.
I was not alone.
I didn’t have to do this alone.
And as Trinidad fell asleep in my arms, I thanked whatever deity was in charge of this timeline for letting me be part of her life.