Chapter Forty
FORTY
Micah
As we walk through the parking lot after the game, I hold Aidan’s hand tightly in mine.
I look over at him. “I’m so glad you’re going to your brother’s next game with your dad.”
A gentle smile appears on his face. “I am too. Thank you for being so supportive. I’m sure that was really awkward, watching the two of us have an emotional moment in the middle of a hockey game.”
“Hey.” I gently tug on his hand. “It wasn’t awkward at all. I’m so glad that you’re trying to work things out.”
“Me too.”
I stop and squint out at the rows of cars in the lot. “Please tell me you remember where I parked because I totally forgot.”
“Row ten, section C,” Aidan rattles off without missing a beat.
I reach up, cup my hand along his stubbled cheek. “I knew I kept you around for a good reason.”
He quirks an eyebrow. “Not just for sex?”
I laugh. “Well, obviously that too.”
He drops a kiss to my mouth.
“What do you think about writing some hockey-inspired erotica for our next joint story on Scribble Share?”
Aidan makes a face. “No way.”
I laugh at how grossed out he looks. “Why not?”
“Because I can’t think about hockey without thinking of my brother, and that’s just gross.”
I grimace. “Okay, yeah, good point. Never mind.”
“Micah? Is that you?”
When I turn around and see my boss, I freeze. I pull my hands away from Aidan and step away from him.
“Carl. Hello.”
I walk over to him standing by his Mercedes.
He chuckles as he points to the hoodie I’m wearing. “I didn’t know you were a hockey fan.”
“I’m not.” I say quickly. “I just…”
I trail off, my brain in full-on panic mode. There’s actually no company rule that say I can’t hang out with someone who works for the business I’m auditing…but it’s messy. I know it wouldn’t look good to my boss, who’s as by the book as they come.
“I borrowed it from a friend for the game,” I say. I turn around and gesture to Aidan, who offers a polite smile and wave but thankfully stays back. I don’t want to introduce him to my boss and have to explain why we’re together. It would make me look so unprofessional.
He nods. “How are things going with the audit for the university?”
“I’m on track to wrap things up next week.”
“Good to hear. How is your report looking so far?”
I tense, knowing full well that Aidan is standing behind me and can hear this entire conversation.
“Exactly what I expected. They have the typical problems with retention and class size. My recommendation is going to be cutting low-enrollment courses and consolidating a portion of their classes.”
“And what about staff cuts?”
A rock lodges in my throat. I nod. “I’ll be recommending those too, of course.”
Carl nods once, satisfied. “Well done, Micah. I can always count on you for an efficient, no-nonsense audit.”
I open my mouth to say Thanks , but I don’t. Because it feels so wrong to thank my boss for applauding me when what I just said could result in Aidan losing his job.
He says good-night, climbs into his car, and drives off.
When I turn around to look at Aidan, my stomach is in knots. It’s dark now, but I can see his hard expression clearly in the parking lot lights.
“You’re really gonna do it? You’re going to recommend cutting classes and staff?”
Pain flashes in his eyes. I hesitate for a second before making myself speak. “Yes.”
He shakes his head and looks off to the side.
“I’m sorry, Aidan, but I have to…”
He frowns at me. “You don’t have to do anything, Micah. It’s not like anyone is forcing you to hand in a report recommending that you annihilate the English department. You’re doing this all on your own. So please don’t act like that’s the case,” he says.
“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just trying to do my job.”
He lets out a sad laugh. “Your job. Right. I forgot that your job is to put people out of work. Your job that you don’t even like.”
There’s a sting in my chest. “Aidan, that’s not fair.”
“Yeah, it is. And you know what, if you honestly enjoyed doing that for a living, I could live with it. But you don’t. I know you don’t. There’s no passion in what you do. You don’t love it. You said it yourself.”
I lean back, surprised at the way he’s speaking to me right now. “Aidan, I understand that you’re upset. And you have every right to be, but…”
He shakes his head, cutting me off. “You love writing, Micah. Why not focus on that? Why not try and make that your career? Why continue with this job that you don’t even like? Why not pursue something you actually love that doesn’t hurt people and cost them their livelihoods?”
I stare at him, frustration simmering inside of me at what he wants me to do. “Do you seriously expect me to throw away my stable, well-paying job to be a writer? Something I have no experience with? Something that I’ll probably never make any money doing?”
He glances off to the side and lets out a sad laugh. He turns to me. “Why do you have to talk yourself down like that, Micah? You’re such a talented writer. You see how many people on Scribble Share love reading your writing. Those readers would buy your books. They’d read anything you write. You’re that amazing. You could turn this into a career. I know you could.”
I shake my head, a confusing mix of emotions whirling inside of me. Heartened at the way he compliments my skills as a writer. Annoyed and pissed that he is pushing me to give up my career and pursue something uncertain, like it’s so simple and easy.
I hold up a hand. “I’m not going to quit my job to be a writer, okay? Stop suggesting it.” I drop my hand at my side and pause for a moment. “Look, I understand why you’re upset. But honestly, Aidan, what did you think was going to happen? I’m an auditor, and my job is to find the fat to cut in any situation. I’ve been observing your department for weeks, and the problems are crystal clear. Do you really expect me to just ignore them because we’re hooking up?”
Aidan’s brow lifts, like he’s shocked at what I’ve said. Pain flashes in his eyes. “That’s what this is to you? Just hooking up?”
I let out a heavy breath, my chest aching at the pain in his expression.
“Yes.” I say, despite how wrong it feels…despite how much it breaks me to say it.
But I have to say it. I can’t let myself fall for him any more than I have. I’m already in deeper than I thought I’d ever be. I’m already feeling things for Aidan that I know I shouldn’t…
Pain flashes through his beautiful blue eyes as he holds my gaze. “This thing between us started as just hooking up. I’ll admit that. But it didn’t stay that way. And you know it.”
I hold my breath, gazing at him. He’s right. But I can’t admit it. I can’t tell him how I really feel. Things are already so complicated between us right now. Bringing our feelings into this would just makes this a million times messier, a million times more painful.
Emotion flashes in his crystal-blue eyes. “I’m in love with you, Micah.”
My mouth parts opens as I gasp. My heart hammers in my chest.
Aidan’s broad chest heaves as he lets out a breath.
“What?” My voice is practically a squeal.
“I love you,” he says without hesitation.
“Aidan…” I can barely get his name out. I’m too stunned. “We’ve known each other six weeks.”
He shrugs. “So?”
“So? We don’t know each other well enough for you to say that.”
He doesn’t even blink. He steps toward me, closing the space between us. He rests his hands on my hips, pulling me close. “I know you, Micah. I know you put on a tough front at work because you don’t want people to see you as weak. But you’re not weak. Not even close. You are so strong. But you’re also soft. And sweet. And funny. You’re the most talented writer I know. No one makes me as angry as you, but I love it. I love that you’re fiery. I like that you’re not afraid to fight me. You’re passionate. You drive me wild in the best way. I’ve never met anyone like you. And I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
I’m breathless, my heart thudding in my chest as Aidan stands there, holding me in his arms, telling me all the things he loves about me.
“You’re the only person who I’ve really confided in about my dad. You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel safe enough to talk this much about my relationship with him.” He pauses, the look in his eyes pained and pleading. My heart pounds in my chest as emotion wells up inside of me, hearing him tell me how much I mean to him.
“I know you’re not ready to say you love me back. And that’s okay. But can you at least admit that you have feelings for me too? Can you admit that this was more than just hooking up for you? I can handle everything else—I can even handle you getting me fired if I know that what you feel for me is real.”
Intensity flashes in his crystal-blue eyes as I look up at him. The words rest at the tip of my tongue. Everything in me aches to say it. But I stay quiet.
Even if I say what I’m feeling, it wouldn’t do any good. It would just make things between Aidan and me even more complicated, more painful.
I can’t give him what he wants. And I’m about to cost him his job.
There’s no way for us to work out long-term. This is all we can ever have. And it has to end now.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice breaking. I close my eyes, feeling the sting of unshed tears.
When I open them and look at Aidan, his eyes are glassy.
His throat works as he swallows and nods. “Okay,” he whispers.
His hands fall away from my body and he steps back. I’m instantly cold at the loss of his touch.
Aidan shoves his hands into his jacket pockets and aims his pained gaze at me. “Goodbye, Micah.”
He walks off. I stand there and watch him until he disappears from my view before stumbling to my car. And then I finally let myself cry.