Chapter 46
William
Irode Achilles hard across Home Field and through the ancient oak woodland to Buckford Hill—the place I always found it easiest to breathe.
But when I got there, I found three old women dressed in rags, standing in the stone circle.
As a fantasy reader, it rang alarm bells.
I dismounted, letting Achilles roam, and nodded at each of them in turn.
“Peggy. Aunty Karma. Mother.”
Mum rushed over to me, raking her hands through my hair. “William, my poor baby, have you been crying?”
“Certainly not, you batty old crone.” I pulled myself free of her, hoping to restore a little dignity. “You’re perfectly aware it’s high pollen season. It’s hay fever. What are you all doing up here, anyway? You appear to have forgotten your cauldron.”
“Preparing for the solstice,” Mother said.
Aunty Karma grabbed my jaw and peered into my eyes like she was inspecting my soul.
“We are at the summer’s peak, William. Before the turn to darkness. Everything must change.”
I squinted. “Is that Byron? I was never very good with the Romantic poets.”
“There’s a lot weighing on your spirit, William,” Aunty Karma said. “You should come along tonight. Let the night air cleanse you before the dawn that must come.”
I wasn’t in the mood for this batshittery. I was in the mood for wallowing in self-pity. But Karma was right, there was a lot weighing me down. A fresh wave of tears spilt hot down my cheeks.
“What is it, darling?” Mum said.
I clenched my jaw to stop my lip trembling—and it all tumbled out. Everything I was worried about. The estate, the tax bill, the auction, the bloody press, the fact we’d lied to everyone about our engagement.
“Is that everything?” Karma asked.
Mum shook her head. “Come on, spit it out.”
“He’s finished his big edit,” I said, finally.
“He’s going to film the promo for Buckford tomorrow and work on it next week, but then his reason for being here is gone.
This time next week, he’ll be on his way to London, and I don’t want to lose him.
But I want him to achieve his dreams. He’s so determined about his pitch for Indira that I can’t see a way for us to build a life together—not when I so clearly need to be here. I love him. And I can’t have it all.”
“Have you asked Petey Boy what he wants?” Peggy said.
“Pardon?”
“Not being funny, but have you two actually discussed what you want? Or have you been so busy playing hide the sausage you forgot to ask?”
I sniffled, then wiped my nose on my sleeve, giving myself time to process this extraordinary statement.
“I know what he wants,” I said. “He spends all his free time coming up with TV show ideas that’ll take him back to London.”
“So he told you he wants to go back to London?”
I nodded. “As good as.”
Mother was shaking her head. “Oh, William. I raised you to be smarter than that. The trouble with you, darling, is you think love means shielding people from hurt—like that knight in your books.” Her voice softened.
“But you couldn’t shield your father or your brother.
You can’t shield Petey either. You have to trust him to make the right choice for himself. That’s love.”
The words landed like a punch to the gut. I looked away, blinking the tears from my eyes.
“But what if he makes the wrong choice?” I was acutely aware of how small and pathetic I sounded.
“Which choice is the wrong one?” Peggy asked.
“If he chooses—” But I didn’t have the answer, and that was the problem. What was right for me wasn’t right for him.
Aunty Karma squeezed my forearm. “The strength of any marriage—”
“We’re not married,” I muttered. “We’re not even engaged.”
She waved it away. “The strength of any marriage of souls is in the togetherness. Taking on everything together. As a partnership.”
“That’s it,” Mum said. “You need to work together, otherwise you’re not really partners, you’re two people circulating in each other’s orbit.”
“So, you think I should…” I let the sentence trail off, inviting one of these witches to deliver their words of wisdom with a little more clarity.
“Talk to him, you bloody idiot,” Aunty Karma said.
“Ask him what he wants,” Mum said.
“You might be surprised,” Peggy added.
Imagine the power these women could summon if they’d brought their bloody cauldron.
The stable yard was quiet when I returned.
The Old Coach House was empty; everyone had gone.
The champagne bottle sat abandoned on the desk.
Petey wasn’t in the folly either. Eventually, I found him in the East Drawing Room, curled up on the sofa with his laptop.
He looked up when I entered, his eyebrows raised almost in a dare. The guilt made my chest ache.
“Hi,” I said, somewhat gingerly.
“Hi.”
I crossed the room and sat beside him on the sofa, resting a hand on his socked foot.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For how I spoke to you. For trying to make decisions for you. For bringing up your father. All of it. I was freaking out. I’m sorry.”
Petey’s eyes softened. He closed his laptop and put it on the coffee table. “You pulled away from me. You’ve never done that before. You scared me, William.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I reached for his hand. “I was scared too.”
“About the interviews?”
“No. I mean, yes. But not really.” I took a deep breath.
“I’m scared you’re leaving, and I don’t know how to ask you to stay.
I love you, Petey. I want a future with you.
I want you here, at Buckford, with me. Not because I need to protect you and I can do that here, but because I can’t imagine my life without you in it. ”
Petey’s thumb rubbed the back of my hand.
“I’ve been so happy here with you. It’s been magical. All of it.”
Hope flared in my chest—but then Petey wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“But I can’t stay. My whole career is in London. I’ve worked so hard for it. I can’t give it up. What if we don’t work out? Could you imagine? Then I’d have lost everything. My parents already think I’m a disaster.”
Sod his bloody parents. I wanted to tear strips off them for what they’d done to this beautiful man and his sense of himself and his place in the world.
“I’ve never wanted a future with anyone before,” he said. “Well, except for Timothée Chalamet, but that was a phase and a very confusing time.”
I nodded. “That movie has a lot to answer for.”
“No kidding. The point is, I never even let myself imagine a future with anyone until I met you. Now all I want is a future with you. But I can’t see how it works, how we can both be happy.
We might have to do the long-distance thing for a while.
See how it goes.” The thought of it killed me—but at least it wasn’t the end.
He wasn’t giving up on us. That gave me hope.
He must have seen the strain on my face. “Tackle the hard stuff, remember?”
“We’ll find a way,” I said, sliding down onto the rug and onto one knee. “I give you my word, my liege.”
Petey smiled. It was small and sad—then cheeky. “I can’t even tell you how cringey that is. Every single time. Shivers.”
“I know. But it’s a whole thing now. I can’t stop it.”
Petey pulled me into a kiss that tasted like relief and melancholy.
“But I am going to have to go back to London next week,” he said. “I have to start looking for work. But I… don’t know when I’ll be back after that.”
My heart clenched. “I know.”
Petey tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “I’m not going to disappear on you, you know?” he said.
“Again, you mean?”
“Ouch.” He held out his little finger. “When it’s time to go, I swear, we’ll talk about it. Properly. Together.”
“Together,” I echoed, hooking my finger into his.
I crawled back up onto the sofa and slid in behind Petey, wrapping my arms around him, feeling him sink back into me—like we could stop time if we held each other tight enough.
Outside, preparations for the solstice were underway. Tomorrow, the estate would be full of people, full of noise, full of celebration. But for now, it was the two of us, and the heart-rending knowledge that sometimes love can’t solve everything—but it’s enough to keep you trying.