Chapter 31 #2
Jordana lay slumped over the desk. Her auburn curls fanned out, her body slack. On the floor lay an empty liquor bottle.
Sprinting across the room, I pulled her upright. Her head lolled on her chest.
“Jordana, sweetheart,” I said fervently, patting her cheeks. “Wake up.”
Her eyelids fluttered. “Gavin?”
“Are you okay?”
She squinted at me blearily. “Why… why are you here? You didn’t want me. You sent me away.”
“I always want you.”
She blinked harder, coming awake. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Well, that’s good. Because I want you too.”
“I saw the bottle. I thought you’d passed out.”
“No.” She laughed. “No, I had some, but I poured the rest down the drain. I was writing.”
Her open laptop glowed from the desk. Kneeling beside her, I touched the pink crease on her cheek that her sleeve had left. My sleeve, actually — she was still wrapped in my shirt.
“I really didn’t think you’d come.” She stared at me in disbelief. “I thought we were done. That this was just a fling for you.”
“You mean a lot more to me than a fling.”
The question hung in the air, written across her face: How much more?
Instead, she asked, “What made you come over right now?”
I told her about meeting Dominic in town. “I fucked everything up for you, Jordana. I ruined your future. I’m so sorry.”
She cupped my face. “No, you didn’t!”
“I got you kicked out of the show. I ruined your application for that internship you wanted so badly. I ruined everything.”
“You’ve ruined nothing.” Her voice was gentle.
“If my whole future depended on being in this play and getting that internship, well… that would be pretty sad. I was the one who said we should make love on the set. I was the one who let things drag on with Corey and didn’t tell Eden.
You can’t take responsibility for everything. Let me have some, okay?”
I covered her hands with mine, gently lowering them from my face and lacing my fingers through hers.
“Rachel isn’t budging,” I admitted. “I tried to talk her down.”
“You don’t have to do that. This is my fuckup, not yours.” She sounded weary, though her eyes still held hope.
“But that’s the thing. It is my fuckup. Rachel’s right. I make women think they need me. I did it to my ex, I did it to Rachel with the show, and now I’m doing the same thing with you.”
Jordana squeezed my hands. “Gavin, I have never felt manipulated by you. And believe me, I know how that feels. The only time you tried to control me was when you sent me away tonight.”
I pulled back, stunned. “Why do you keep saying that? How did I send you away?”
“With Rachel, on the stage! You told me to leave so the two of you could talk, like I wasn’t part of this mess. Like I was some…kid.”
“No. I don’t see you that way. With Rachel, I didn’t mean to dismiss you like that.
There wasn’t a chance in hell I could plead your case with you there.
You’re her student; she has to save face in front of you.
She would have doubled down. I tried talking to her alone, as her friend.
I wanted to make things better for you.”
“That’s sweet. But I don’t need you to make things better for me, Gavin. You don’t have to save me, not from this.”
I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t shake off the guilt. “I don’t belong here. If we’re together, I’ll only hold you back. I should go back to New York.”
“Please don’t.” She stood up so quickly from her swivel chair that it skittered backward. “You haven’t given Hawthorne a chance. You haven’t given us a chance.”
Her eyes dropped, her lashes thick and dark against her cheeks.
I rose. Slowly, because it felt like the right thing to do, I took her hand. “I haven’t given us a chance because…I don’t know how.” I pulled her toward the bed and sat beside her. “From the second we met, I didn’t think this could work. I didn’t think I deserved this. Deserved you.”
“Are you kidding? I was such a screwup. You saw me at my worst.”
I shook my head. “I did what I always do. I hid behind the lights, the camera. Our shoot. I wanted to make art with you. Magic. But I didn’t think reality could hold what we have.
When my marriage fell apart, it was because of reality.
Money, personalities, different goals. All the cold, hard facts of life.
And now…what if what I have to give isn’t what you need?
What if I need you more than you need me? ”
“That’s impossible,” she said firmly. “I don’t just want you, Gavin. I need you. When you look at me, you see someone good. You help me see her too. I’ve seen a lot of ugliness in people. But you? You’re beautiful. What you have to give is beautiful.”
I exhaled, running my hand over her auburn curls. Through her window, a half slice of moon shone in the dark sky.
“I love you,” Jordana murmured. Her hand crept toward her mouth, like she was protecting what might come out next. “Is that okay?”
Pulling her into my arms, I breathed her in.
This, too, was reality. Life didn’t have to be cold and hard. It was time to say what felt right.
“I love you too, Jordana.”
She pressed her face into my shoulder, trembling a little.
“Right from the start, I loved you,” I whispered huskily. “Even before we met, I was waiting for you. I just didn’t know it.”
The moment hung suspended. Neither of us spoke to break the spell.
But life moved forward, not backward. What’s past is prologue.
“I’m going to stay,” I said.
Jordana raised her head. All her tiredness showed, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. But there was so much life in her face: experience, possibility, promise.
“With me? In Hawthorne?”
“Yes.”
“Gavin…”
She grabbed me in a tight hug. We tipped sideways onto her bed and I pulled her in, wanting every part of my body to touch every part of hers.
She kissed my neck, smelling faintly of tequila and sleep, with a hint of citrusy perfume woven through like a bright note of hope.
“Are we still avoiding labels?” she asked. “Or can I call you my boyfriend now?”
I hugged her closer. “You’re mine, and I’m yours. You can call me whatever the hell you want.”
As her breathing evened out, I wanted to solve all the problems that hung over her. The play, the internship, her parents, her position in the theater department. Her best friend. The leading man who was so intent on wreaking havoc.
But I couldn’t save Jordana. That wasn’t my job.
It was hers.
I could be here for her.
And I would.