Chapter 39
B y the time Soren got home late that afternoon, I had nearly worked myself into a panic. I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen, and then I paced a circle in front of the hearth.
Soren opened the front door, and I froze in place. I was so still, he didn’t even notice me right away. He slipped off his jacket, and then his hand went to the back of his neck – where his hair stood up, same as mine when he was near – and he finally glanced around the room and spotted me.
“Good afternoon, Izzy,” he said with an unreadable expression.
“Good afternoon, Soren,” I replied, clipped and polite, and my hands were clasped in front of my abdomen. “How were your errands?”
“They were fine.” But he wouldn’t look at me as he said it.
“Adora stopped by,” I blurted out, and his head snapped up.
"She did?" He glanced around as if she was hiding somewhere in the room with us. "Are you okay?"
"Yes. She didn't come here for me, not really. At least not to help me. She wanted to gloat about the rumors that you're being brought before the Tribunal."
He licked his lips and kept avoiding my gaze. “It is no rumor. Queen Kriselle has summoned me to appear before the Tribunal.”
I gasped. “You’ve already been charged?
He walked over to a chair and gripped the back of it with his hands, leaning against it while his head sagged. “The arraignment will be in a few days. The official charges will come down then.”
“But you haven’t done anything wrong!” I rushed over to him in a panic, as if my protests could somehow undo what had already been done. “You were only protecting me from Baxley! I’ll tell them how he kept bothering me, and you did what you had to so that we could leave. Neither of us went into the ballroom looking for trouble.”
“I didn’t have to hit him three times," he said quietly. He let go of the chair and took a few steps away, putting more space between us again. "It's not about Baxley. They're unhappy about that, but that's not the crux of the Magik Tribunal's issues with me."
“Then… then what is the issue?” I asked, but my racing heart feared I already knew the truth.
“The Princesses Cosetta and Sylvetta saw us practicing in the ballroom,” he reminded me brusquely.
"But we weren't doing anything," I argued weakly, but the look he cast me was enough to make my skin flush. I could still feel his lips brushing against my neck, his arms wrapped around me, and there was no denying it.
“And she’s not the only one,” Soren went on grimly. “The King of Sudamon saw us kiss during the Ashoralida.”
“That was months ago! Why is he saying something about it now?” I asked.
"I don't know." He gave a glum shake of his head and collapsed back into a chair on the far side of the room. "Maybe because the Tribunal started the inquisition, and others were coming forward."
“ Others ?” I asked. “We’ve only kissed a few times! How can there be so many witnesses?”
“Most of it is just rumors that my sister heard about. But I am certain of four names: Cosetta, Sylvetta, King Marcel, and Adora.”
“My mother?” I asked, and it hurt even if it wasn’t a surprise.
Then, I took a fortifying breath and strengthened my resolve. I stepped closer to him. "What can we do? You spoke with Serena. Does she have any ideas on how to fight this?"
He shook his head, defeated. “There is no fighting this.”
“But you haven’t hurt anyone, and I’ll speak on your defense,” I insisted.
“The Regula makes it explicitly clear what the boundaries are supposed to be between enchanter and muse.”
"We've abided by them as much as we could," I persisted. "We used restraint and only slipped up a few times."
“The fact that I had to use restraint is the issue!” Soren argued. “I was supposed to sever our relationship the moment those feelings came up.”
"Can't we say they just came up and sever now?" I asked hopefully, as if cutting Soren out of my life was preferable.
"I'm not permitted to lie at the Tribunal," he reminded me with exasperation.
The Magik Tribunal cloaked the accused in a truth spell so they were physically incapable of lying. No matter what was asked of him, Soren was compelled to be honest during his arraignment.
His voice was low when he said, “They’re going to ask me if I’m in love with you and if… if I have a physical desire for you.” He hung his head in shame. “I won’t be able to lie, Izzy.”
Had Soren just confessed that he was in love with me? It was a dizzying realization, compounded by the fact this might be the ruin of us both.
“There’s no fighting this,” he repeated in sad resignation.
“You’re right. There’s no point in fighting any of this anymore.” I put my hand tentatively on his shoulder, and he lifted his head and looked up at me with his dark eyes full of conflicted desire.
Without saying anything, he put an arm around my waist and gently pulled me onto his lap. I slid my arm around his neck, and one of his hands went to my thigh, gripping it through the fabric of my dress.
I stared into his beautiful eyes. I ran my hand along his jawline and brushed my thumb over his full lips. “I’m sorry for complicating your life so much.”
He smiled crookedly. “Don’t ever apologize for coming into my life. It’s infinitely more full with you in it, and regardless of how this turns out, I’m so happy to know you.”
“I love you, Soren.” I pressed my lips to his before he could say anything more.
His hand moved up my back, pressing me against him, and then he threaded his fingers into my hair to pull me in more deeply for the kiss.
I slid my hand down his chest, finding his bare skin and feeling his pulse thrumming underneath my palm.
“We should slow down,” he murmured against my mouth, but he held me against him, and his hand gripping my thigh had started pulling up the length of my skirt.
“Why?” I asked him, honest and desperate.
I felt his laugh before I heard it – the warm rumbling in his chest – and I felt the smile on his lips as we kissed.
“Because we don’t know what we’re doing,” he argued huskily between kisses. “I don’t want to ruin your reputation.”
But his hand was still bunching up my skirt, and the air chilled my exposed leg. He'd finally moved it enough so his hand connected with my bare thigh. He gripped me desperately and kissed me ferociously.
“ Isadore .” My name on his lips like a prayer, and I was filled with a desire so intense and demanding, I was afraid that I might die if I didn’t satiate the aching heat inside me.
As my fervor only rose, he suddenly went still. His hand released my thigh, and when I stopped kissing him, his hand went to my face, cradling it as he looked into me with his smoldering eyes.
“I can’t,” he said. “I want you so much I can hardly breathe. But not like this. I won’t bring you down with me.”
“Does it matter that I want to go where you go, even if it’s ruination?” I asked.
"It means something to me," he admitted with a sad smile. "But I wouldn't be worthy of being with you if I was willing to let you do that."
“What are you saying, Soren?” I asked, and tears were already forming in my eyes.
“That I am completely, irrevocably in love with you, Izzy, and I think I started falling in love with you the very moment I met you. But –”
I closed my eyes and felt a tear sliding down my cheek.
“– I can’t be with you until this is all sorted,” he went on. “I can’t risk hurting you more than I already have.”
He wiped away my tears, and he pulled me into his chest. He held me close and kissed the top of my head.
“I am sorry it has to be this way,” he murmured into my hair.
I squeezed my eyes shut, relishing the safety of his arms and the sound of his heartbeat in my ear. “Where do we go from here?