Chapter 3 Carter
Heartbreak isn’t a strong enough word for the numb feeling inside.
I thought the torture I lived through when my family’s deception was uncovered was the worst pain I could feel, that giving myself over to the man I loved would somehow atone for my sins of omission.
None of that has anything on the pain spreading through my entire being at this ultimate betrayal.
Is this how Cristian felt when my truth came out all those years ago? The loss, the devastation, the crushing hopelessness. It’s all I can do to keep myself upright.
I’m not worth being followed. My brother sure as hell knew that. Otherwise, why would I have crumpled under him the way I did? Cristian knew it…it’s why he never tried to talk me out of giving up what was rightfully mine.
Marcus and Keegan will see it soon, as will Roman, and everything I’ve ever worked for, the family I’ve made for myself, despite my father and brother’s attempts at cutting me down…
it’s all hanging by a thread. Based on the words of the one person I was supposed to be able to trust more than anyone else.
The man I gave my life to, in more ways than one.
A hand on my face startles me out of my thoughts, and I jerk before my brain catches up with the rest of me, and I recognize Cole’s toddler-chubby cheeks, his sweet eyes seeming to bore into me as he studies me.
“Carter sad?”
I give him a small smile. “I’m a little sad, yeah.”
“Why?”
Huffing a laugh, I try to put into words all the pain I currently feel, in terms a small child could understand. Though…how can I do that if I don’t fully understand it myself?
“Because I’ve been thinking sad things,” I say simply.
“Oh…” He looks at me with wide, innocent eyes. “I no sad.”
“No, I’m glad you’re not sad.” Reaching out, I tuck some of his wild hair behind an ear. “I’ll help make sure no one ever makes you sad. Okay?”
“’Kay!” He smiles and runs off, and a genuine smile crosses my lips. To be so innocent and carefree…
“Boss?”
I flinch, looking at where Marcus and Keegan are hovering in the doorway to the sitting room Cole and I have set up shop in. “You don’t have to call me that,” I say.
“It’s more than just a title,” Marcus replies, stepping into the room and coming to my side. “We respect you and your position. You’ve earned it, Carter.”
“You have,” Keegan says when I shake my head. “We followed you for a reason. Neither of us would have put our support behind you if we had any doubt you’d be an excellent Boss.”
I look across the room to where Cole is fiddling with the small number of toys we were able to grab for him. I add “Get More Toys” to the top of my to-do list.
“We can take him,” Keegan offers, looking at his son. “You have enough on your plate. We appreciate everything you do, but we don’t expect you to continue to have him, especially not now.”
I shake my head. “I’ll allow that when I need to, but for now…my son and him are the only things holding me together. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Of course not, he loves you too. And we’ve rearranged his world enough over the last few months, he deserves some stability in you.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Can’t say I’m exactly stable right now, but I’m glad you see me that way.”
Marcus sets a hand on my shoulder. “You’re fine. And you have us, that’s what we’re here for.”
“Right.” I sigh and grab the list I’ve written out.
“Here’s all the men I think could work as guards for us.
I’d suggest talking to Jude first, as he would have the most recent knowledge of the inner workings.
I’ve kept abreast of the Family as much as possible, but…
I let too much go. In my need to get away from my father’s legacy, and the abuse my brother put me through, I may have stepped too far back. ”
“We’ll figure it out. It’s what you have us for,” Keegan assures me.
“We’ll talk to Jude, see if he can give some insight, or has any ideas of people we might be able to trust. One good thing about this group is that we know we can trust one another.
Unlike the original alliance, where there was always some sort of… tension.”
I nod in agreement. Though we became friendly and closer when Allesandro and Cristian were gone, once they returned, before things got…bad, it was like we were forced to withdraw and go back to just being allies, even though we were on the cusp of becoming family.
“I’ll talk to Roman about getting his kitchen staff here,” I say. “I understand Teodoro provided some staff members, but with all of us…we’ll need to see what we’re missing besides the kitchen staff. The Amato household got displaced, so we can fill in the gaps.
“Roman will have to be the one to make those calls, as he’s acting as the Amato Boss now, but we had good people working for us. The kitchen is Roman’s domain, though, so he was able to structure the staff how he saw fit.”
“Sounds good. You should probably get Lio’s opinion as well, but I'm sure the three of you will have an easy time coming to agreements, especially when it comes to the staff.”
I hum in agreement, already going over people I can suggest to Roman. It's ultimately his decision, since they're Amatos, but giving the boy a starting point isn't a bad thing. And…if I know my son, he'll want my opinion anyway.
My son. The words echo through my mind, and I flinch at how Cristian tried to take that from me.
“You okay?”
I focus on the touch of my friend as Marcus slides his arm around me.
Shaking my head, I look down at my hands. “No, I'm not. But I will be, eventually.”
“We'll be here every step of the way.”
“Thank you.”
Cole comes up to me, shoving things into my hands. “No more sad,” he says.
Looking at his offerings—a half eaten granola bar, a block, and one of his favorite stuffies—I can't help but smile.
Looking into his eyes, I hold the items close. “Thank you. This helps, no more sad.”
He grins and throws his arms around me, hugging me tight before pressing a sticky kiss to my cheek.
When he pulls away, Keegan says, “That was very nice, Cole. Can Daddy and I get hugs, too?”
“No!” he says, cackling as he goes back to minding his own business.
The three of us laugh. Kids… so uniquely them, and unashamed of it. It's part of the reason I wanted to have one with Cristian, but…that dream was crushed along with my heart.
This, the family I have with Roman…the one I'm building with Marcus, Keegan, and Cole will have to be enough.
It is enough.
“I'll be okay,” I repeat.
“Yes, you will,” Keegan tells me. “You're stronger than you were left to believe. And he'll see it, we'll make him.”
Yes, yes we will.
Cristian seems to have forgotten that while I may choose my battles carefully, it doesn't mean I don't know how to fight.