Chapter 26 Allesandro
Gasping, I wake up in bed, alone, covered in sweat.
Everything in me rebels as I roll out of bed, landing in a heap.
I scramble to my feet as best as I can, and barely make it to the toilet before throwing up what’s in my system.
It seems to take forever, and the pain is all encompassing.
Yet, when it stops, all I can think is ‘if only it was so easy to purge what was in my soul’…
Fuck these nightmares. I shudder as tears fall down my face. My entire body shakes as I carefully make it over to the sink to brush my teeth. Ever since we came back, the nightmares have gotten worse, more pervasive, more mocking. This one? This was far worse.
Spitting out toothpaste, I try to breathe through the onslaught of memories that threaten to bombard me. Happy memories…that’s how it started out.
Lio in bed with me. Curled up. Trusting me. My soul drank in every bit of the love he gave.
Then he disappeared…and coldness started to seep in. Images of him with Hollis flipped through my mind. I have no idea if they were real or not. Hell, I’m not sure I can even tell the difference anymore. Everything is twisted inside me.
There's a slash of pain that hits me as I see my future waver and disappear. My happiness. The guilt that coats me inside and out, knowing I broke the man I love. The man I was never worthy of.
And the hatred…the hatred for myself. For the weakness inside my mind. I dart to the toilet again, dry heaves taking over my whole body. I close my eyes, but it makes everything worse. The blowjob with Cristian is now seared into my mind.
A betrayal. To myself. To Emilio. To my Boys. And hell, to Cristian himself.
I hit the floor on my knees, curling in on myself. I took from Cristian to make myself feel better. My Sweetheart doesn’t deserve that from me. He needs support, and I failed him.
I’m poison. Just like my father always thought. Despite the love and care I poured into my Boys, I finally managed to kill what was there. And now? Now, I may be Cristian’s ruin too…
Panic claws at me from the inside, scattering the shards of a soul that was once whole, but now isn’t. My love for those around me is nothing but toxic, and I forced them all to drink it. And now? Now it’s the only thing sustaining me.
But what choice do I have? I must carry on.
I can’t give up, or turn my back on my father’s expectations.
Because if I do, I’ll prove him right. That I wasn’t strong enough to hold the Family, that I couldn’t make it.
So the chains I carry will have to stay where they are, because I have no other choice. Freedom will never, ever be an option.