Chapter 22
Colton
Last night was the best night of my life.
Ronan made me feel things I never knew were possible.
But this morning, he’s distant. Has everything he’s said and done just been for show?
Was he disappointed? Was I not good enough?
That doesn’t explain why his family is acting so attentive. Well… attentive to Ollie.
I have so many questions running through my head.
Not for the first time in my life, I wish I had someone to talk to.
This morning, I was going to talk with Ronan because I thought he was my person.
But he’s all business today. Before our night together, he was constantly touching me; now, afterward, nothing.
When he puts his hand on the back of my neck, I feel grounded and calm. I miss it.
Ollie’s giggle fills the hallway as I make my way toward the playroom.
I quicken my steps to get to the one person in this world I live for—the one person who loves me back.
Ollie is playing with Xavier when I reach the room.
He’s stacking large building blocks while Ollie knocks them down just as fast. Ollie giggles again, and I can’t help but smile.
“Good morning, Ollie,” I call out. He finishes the destruction in progress before turning to me.
“Da!” he yells as soon as he sees me. As fast as his little legs can carry him, he runs to me. I scoop him up and spin him around.
“I missed you, bud.” I’m two seconds away from crying.
My emotions are all over the place. Ollie grips my face with his chubby hand and babbles a story to me.
He only has a few words in his vocabulary, but that doesn’t stop him.
I understand eat, bath, and night night.
Ollie has always been a very expressive baby, and the way he throws his arms around as he tells me about his adventure shows me he’s happy.
“Good morning, Colton.”
I turn as Xavier gets up from the floor.
“Hey, sorry you got stuck on baby duty. Thank you,” I tell him.
“Oh no, I didn’t get stuck. I volunteered. Ollie is great. I love playing with him.” He smiles at Ollie.
After giving me one last hug and a very wet kiss to the cheek, Ollie wiggles until I put him down. With a war cry, he launches himself at the large pile of stuffed animals. I can’t hide the slight wince as I stand back up.
“Are you okay?” Xavier places a hand on my upper arm, a look of concern on his face.
“Um, yeah, fine. I, um…” The same wave of embarrassment that hit me last night rushes over me again. I can feel my cheeks heat. Xavier’s concern changes to a knowing smirk.
“Looks like someone had a good night,” he teases. I look away. “Hey, are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
“No, nothing like that.” I run my hands down my face. Xavier has been nice to Ollie and to me. “It was, um… my first time.”
“Oh. Ohhhh.” Realization hits him. “I get it.”
“This is so embarrassing, but could I ask you something?”
“Absolutely. Don’t be embarrassed. My first time, I was a wreck afterward, but my friend Blake helped me.”
“Okay,” I decide to just go for it. “It was the best night of my life. But right afterward I had to, um… go to the bathroom,” I try to explain. I stutter out the last part.
“That’s natural, especially for your first. I thought I was going to shit the bed. I ran to the bathroom so fast I fell on my already sore ass because I got tangled in the sheets.” He laughs at the memory.
I let out a heavy breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “That’s exactly how I felt. Ronan was going to grab a cloth, but I shut myself in the bathroom instead.” I glance at him and then back down when I ask my next question. “What about the soreness? Will it be like this every time?”
“It’ll get better. I’ll text you the names of some of the oils and creams I use. Was there any tearing or bleeding?”
I shake my head.
“Then you’re good.” He studies my face. “What else?”
“That’s it. Thanks. For some reason, I didn’t want to Google it.”
“No, there’s more. You don’t have that just-been-fucked-and-it-was-the-best-thing-ever look. You have the I’ve-just-been-fucked-and-I’m-confused look. And I don’t think it has anything to do with biology.”
Ollie plays contentedly with the dinosaur stuffies as I contemplate what to say. I’m not used to having someone to talk to.
“Look, you don’t know me, and I get it. I’m engaged to a Murphy, and it can be a lot to handle. You can talk to me, and I won’t break your trust.”
“I don’t think I will ever have to worry about being engaged to a Murphy. Ronan got what he wanted last night.”
“Why do you say that? I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
“This morning, he’s distant. He hasn’t touched me. The only conversation that we’ve had is about the cult and my parents, and even that was brief.” Tears well up in my eyes.
Xavier doesn’t say anything, just steps to me, and wraps me in his arms. I’m mindful of Ollie; I don’t want to upset him by being upset myself. I let my tears flow as quietly as I can.
“You’re wrong,” a voice says just before a hand gently rubs across my hair. I pull back from Xavier to see Alessia standing beside me.
I look down at her hand and see the baby monitor she is holding. Fuck, she heard everything. Could my day get any worse? Breathing is suddenly hard for me.
“Calm down, dear. I think I need to explain my son to you so you will understand.” She leads me over to the chairs.
“I’m going to keep Ollie entertained while you talk.” Xavier hugs me again. “Remember when I told you it was worth it. Listen with your heart, Colton.”
Alessia sits and faces me. “Have you seen Ronan’s tattoo?”
I nod. She makes a face. “I can’t say that I agree with him having that permanently on his skin, but that was his choice. It’s also something that he needed. Did he tell you what the words mean?”
“Protection above all.”
“Yes, but I take it he didn’t explain it to you.”
I shake my head.
“We all have security with us at all times. But when he and Liam were sixteen and full of themselves, they decided that they didn’t need or want it.
It was Ronan’s idea. My boys were trained from an early age to protect and defend themselves.
So he thought the two of them could handle anything.
” A wistful look crosses her face. “They both found that not to be true when Liam was kidnapped that night.”
I gasp.
“Ronan took it the hardest. He felt responsible for what happened. Liam was only gone for a few hours and wasn’t badly hurt.
Ronan felt he had failed to protect his brother.
They had taken oaths to each other, all five of them: family first, never hurt family, and always protect those that matter.
Ronan felt like he didn’t keep that oath.
” She reaches over and takes my hand as she continues.
“I’m sure you’ve noticed that Ronan is very literal, very by the rules. He’s told you that he’ll protect you and never hurt you, yeah?”
“Yes. He told me that last night… when we were together.” I stop myself. Even though I know she knows what we did, I just can’t bring myself to say it to her.
She nods in understanding. “Then right afterward, you ran to the bathroom. I assume he didn’t go with you, and you shut the door.”
I nod.
“Ronan doesn’t understand embarrassment. So, between that and him seeing you physically uncomfortable, he thinks he hurt you. He’s pulling back, not because he wants to, but because he thinks he failed you. His way of making that up is to protect you from the known threat.”
I think about the interactions between Ronan and me, and with his family.
Since the day I met him, he has been protective and possessive.
But he’s been caring and gentle, not only with me but also with Ollie.
The conversations we’ve had where I’ve needed to explain things to him, especially what I was feeling or thinking, replay in my head.
“I see the wheels turning in your head. Ronan, like Declan and the others, has antisocial personality disorder. They come across as cold and unfeeling. They have emotions. They’re just muted.
It makes it hard for them to express themselves or understand others.
” She finishes as Xavier walks over to us.
“When I met Declan, I thought he was crazy. He became obsessed with me from the first moment we met. I thought he was an entitled dick who was only chasing me because I told him no. Then I got to know him and his love language. It’s not like the mushy stuff in all of those romance novels.
It’s intense and sometimes overwhelming, but with them, you know exactly how much they care from their actions.
I’ve never been happier or more loved in my life. ”
That is what I want, to be loved and happy. To have someone help me not only with my life, but also with Ollie’s. It hits me like a freight train. I don’t want someone; I want Ronan.
“I know this is overwhelming for you. It’s also happening quickly. But I need to ask you. Do you care for my son?”
It’s as if Alessia were in my head, hearing my thoughts.
“Yes, I do. He’s an amazing man.”
“Then you need to communicate with him. You can’t expect him to read you or grasp what you are trying to say. You just need to say it. Be blunt,” she smiles at me.
“I can do that.” I smile back.
“Oh, and call him out on his bullshit. Declan listens to me better when I’m aggressive.” Xavier chuckles. “Then that makes him aggressive in all the right ways.” He winks at me.
I laugh. I know what I have to do, and I’m not going to be nice about it. “Do you guys mind watching Ollie for a little while longer? I need to go have a conversation.”
“Honey, it’s my privilege to watch him. Kieran is bringing my laptop to me, and I plan on working in here today.” Alessia says, and I never want to take advantage of their kindness.
“I’ll be here most of the day as well. Declan has meetings with finance, and those are so boring.” Xavier rushes over to Ollie and scoops him up. “Ball pit!” he yells before sinking into the pit with a laughing Ollie in his arms.
“Go, we’re good here. Come back for lunch.”
The hug she gives me is so comforting that I almost cry again. I whisper a thank you to her and head to Ronan’s office.