Chapter 29 Gut Instincts That Give the Game Away
Gut Instincts That Give the Game Away
Ben
I know I shouldn’t do it. I’m pretty much telling everyone what’s really going on.
This is a stupid thing to do. For both our sakes.
But I can’t seem to stop myself. I know what just happened, and I know that even though she’s been pretending she couldn’t care less, this is hurting her like hell.
It’s a good thing her father isn’t here because I’d want to wring his sorry neck.
I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight while Vivian buries her face in my chest and lets out a few sobs.
Rubbing her back, I say, “I’m so sorry. He’s not worthy of having a daughter like you.”
She pulls back and looks up at me, her cheeks stained with tears, her eyes red. Shaking her head, she tries to put on a brave face. “You know what? It’s fine. I don’t know why I’m crying. I barely know the man anymore.”
“It’s not fine. You’re crying because a father is supposed to put his child before himself, and he’s failed you every chance he got.”
Her face crumples and she nods, the tears flowing again.
I lean down and press my lips to her forehead for a long time, hoping that somehow this small gesture gives her a hint of her worth.
“You deserve so much better,” I whisper.
“You deserve to be loved unconditionally and there is nothing wrong with you. The fault lies entirely with him.”
She leans into me and sniffles a bit, then whispers, “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
If this were a normal situation, I would tell her what I really mean.
I love her unconditionally and I want to spend the rest of my life showing her how perfect she is.
But I can’t, so I have to settle for something much less honest and hope she gets the message.
I lift my hands to her face and wipe the tears away with my thumbs.
“It’s true, Vivian Katherine Whitlock. You are perfect exactly the way you are. ”
She stares up at me, every bit as beautiful as ever, even with red, blotchy skin and a sniffly nose. “Thank you. It’s stupid for me to cry over someone like him. He’s not worth it.”
“No, he’s not,” her mother says, snapping us both out of the fog we were in. She steps outside and gives us each a ‘what the hell is happening here?’ look, then says, “I’m so sorry I chose such a shit man to be your father. But don’t give him another thought. He’s not worth even one single tear.”
I let go of Vivian, and immediately Natalie moves in for a big hug. Suddenly feeling awkward, I clear my throat, then take a deep breath and turn to go back inside where my parents and my brother are all staring at me with the same look Natalie was just giving us.
The lights of the kitchen cause me to squint a little while my eyes adjust, then I say, “What? She needed a hug.”
“Shouldn’t that be Dominic’s job? Or her mother’s?” my dad asks.
“Yeah, well, probably, but it’s not like he stepped up to do it.” I let out a sigh, feeling trapped by my own decision. “We’re friends. That’s all. She’s my friend and I wanted to make her feel better.”
“Right, sure,” my dad says with an eyebrow raised. “I definitely kiss my buddies on the forehead when they’re sad.”
Narrowing my eyes, I say, “I care about Vivian. She’s a good person who deserves a hell of a lot better father than the one she ended up with.
That’s all this is.” Okay, so other than that last bit, the rest was true.
I look over at Dominic. “Are you able to drive everyone back to the resort? I have to be up early.”
He nods and says, “Sure.” Then he mouths, “That was weird.”
I scrunch up my nose in irritation, then mouth back, “I know!”
And I do. I know it was weird and all kinds of wrong and they’re going to have all sorts of annoying questions for me. But in the end, all that matters is that she feels better.
It’s early the next morning and my parents, Henry, and I are down at the beach.
Henry is boogieboarding his heart out with my dad supervising, while my mom and I look on from towels in the sand.
Dominic is out with Vivian doing a bunch of last-minute wedding stuff.
She slept at the resort with her mom last night, and will be staying there until the big day, which totally sucks, if you ask me.
I could barely sleep thinking about her last night, hoping she was all right.
This morning, I feel wrung out. Exhausted, emotional, and annoyed that I’m going to have to answer a lot of questions.
“So? How long has it been going on?” my mum asks me.
I give her an innocent look, but she glares at me. “And don’t try to pretend nothing’s happening, because I already knew.”
Crap. “How?”
“I had a good long look at her backside a few days ago when she came in from the shop. There was a big set of sawdust handprints. At first, I thought maybe they were hers. She’s got those long toes so I was thinking maybe she has huge hands too,” Mum says, shaking her head a little.
“But the more I stared, the more I realized there’s no way her thumbs would’ve been on the inside of her own butt cheeks. ”
I take a deep breath, then say, “All right. You caught us. But there’s really nothing to say. It’s casual. We both know what it is and what it isn’t, and we’ve got it under control.”
“Do you? Because it didn’t look like some casual nothing last night. It looked like two people in love,” she says, keeping her gaze on Henry.
“Yeah, well, what it might look like to you is irrelevant,” I say, thinking about what she said about her toes. That’s still not sitting well with me. “What did you mean about her long toes?”
“You haven’t noticed?”
Shaking my head, I say, “I think she has very delicate feet.”
“Oh God, it’s worse than I thought. You’d have to be completely in love with her if you think she has delicate feet.”
I scrunch up my face, feeling completely defensive on Vivian’s behalf. “She’s tall. Of course she has long feet.”
“Can we forget her feet here? There’s a much more important conversation to be had!”
I sigh, then say, “It would be too much to ask of either of them, Mum. I can’t do it.
Dominic has been here for me every day for the last five years.
My life wouldn’t have worked without him, and he deserves every success that Vivian can give him.
” I pick up a tiny rock and toss it into the water.
“And she’s got a big, shiny life in New York that I can’t ask her to give up.
Because she’d have to give it all up to be with me.
Everything she’s built. She’d be flooded with online hate for months. Branded a liar.”
“Well, technically…”
“I’m not going to judge her by the most desperate moment of her life, and I thought you weren’t going to do that either.”
She nods and chews on her lip for a second. “I’m not judging her, Ben. I have no idea the kind of pressure she’s under. But it’s the truth. She did make it all up.”
“Yup, she did. And what they’ll have is going to work for both of them for as long as it needs to, and that’s fine. Maybe someday, like thirteen years from now, we’ll make our way back to each other.”
“That’s an oddly specific number of years from now.”
“Henry will be eighteen.”
My mum gives me a gentle slap on the forearm. “You don’t have to wait for him to be an adult to find happiness, you silly goose.”
“I am happy.”
She stares out at the water for a second, then says, “The thing is, Ben, these last few weeks have been the happiest I’ve seen you since you were a kid. And it’s got everything to do with her.”
“I can’t do it, Mum.”
“I suppose not.” She pats me on the arm. “You’re a good egg.”
“I thought I was a silly goose.”
“You’re that too.”
“Dad! Dad!” Henry calls. “Grandpa says I have enough muscles to stand up on the surfboard!”
“Oh for…” I let out a sigh.
“Come on, let the kid try,” my dad yells. “You were surfing when you were three!”
“Yeah, and look how I turned out!” I yell back.
“These are baby waves and the kid is wearing a life jacket! It literally could not be safer!”
My mum bumps me with her shoulder. “Go on, say yes for once, and trust that things will turn out.”
I look over at her. “Will they?” I ask, and we both know I’m talking about things with Vivian and me.
“Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?”
I consider her words for about half a second before my dad shouts, “Come on, Ben! Let the boy live a little!”
“Please, Dad! Let me live a little!”
Getting up, I shake my head and walk over. “Fine, but you have to do exactly what I tell you to do or we won’t be trying this again anytime soon.”
Henry jumps up and down in the knee-deep water while my dad throws a fist pump in the air. “Whoo-hoo! Jo, get the camera! I want this all on film.”
“It’s not film,” I mutter, irritated about being talked into something I don’t want to do.
My dad furrows his brow. “What?”
“It’s not film. It’s digital.”
“What’s the difference.”
“If you say film, you sound like a dinosaur.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulder. “I am a dinosaur, Ben. Which is why it’s so special for me to get to see Henry’s first ever run.”
I look down at my son, his little face lit up with the thrill of doing something daring for the first time. He’s too young to have learned to be scared of the world, and it makes me long for a time when I was that carefree. I smile down and ruffle his wet hair. “Okay, you ready to do this, buddy?”
“I’ve been ready for years!” Henry yells.
I pick him up and start walking out into the deeper water. “It’s okay to be scared, you know.”
“I’m not, but Grandma says if you’re scared, you should do it anyway.”
“Well, she’s sort of right, but not always. Sometimes when you’re scared, it’s because the thing you’re thinking of doing is too dangerous and you shouldn’t do it.”
“How can I tell the difference?”
“Good question, kiddo. Good question,” I answer, thinking about Vivian. “But I guess when in doubt, ask me.”
“I’d rather ask Grandma. She’s more fun.”
“That she is, Henry. That she is.”