Chapter Eleven #2
‘You must be very proud,’ I said, feeling that I ought to introduce myself into the conversation seeing as Carol was occupied with filling up people’s glasses.
‘My daughter has a friend who started there this year. And quite a few of her class went to Oxford Brookes – they’re all having a great time. ’
Tiggy gave me a saccharine smile. ‘It’s not quite the same thing is it though,’ she said. ‘Brookes, I mean.’
‘I think different universities suit different people,’ I said diplomatically. ‘And of course some kids don’t want to go into higher education at all. There are many good apprentice schemes now, and part-time courses at FE colleges.’
‘Is that what your daughter’s doing?’ Tiggy asked with a sympathetic moue.
‘No, she chose university in the end,’ I said, watching Tiggy’s reaction when I named the establishment.
‘Hmm,’ she said. ‘Russell Group at least. And how’s she getting on?’
‘Oh, really well,’ I lied. ‘She’s made loads of friends – she loves it there.’ I gave an exaggerated roll of my eyes. ‘Bigger question is how am I getting on! I miss her horribly!’
There was a murmur of support from the group although the lady next to me in the big floral dress gave a loud, ‘Pah!’.
‘Oh, just you wait,’ she said. ‘You think it’s bad now but just wait!
She’ll be back before you know it and not in a good way.
My son went off to uni and he had a horrific time, his mental health was all over the place.
It was absolutely awful,’ she said meaningfully.
‘The university did nothing to support him, now he’s dropped out and he’s back under my feet.
Says he’s never going to uni again but can’t get a job.
At home the entire time, doing my head in!
It was a terrible mistake, the whole thing. ’
I realised that my mouth had hung open during this diatribe and I had to take a long gulp of martini to disguise my shock. But honestly, what in god’s name was the woman thinking? In what world was this the kind of reassuring story you’d tell someone who’d admitted she was missing her child?
‘I – uhm – gosh that sounds very stressful,’ I said eventually.
‘You need another drink Hattie,’ said Carol pointedly looking at my empty glass.
‘I’ll ask Steve to get another round in shall I?
’ She filled up her own glass with the last drops of the Prosecco and made her way back to the bar.
There was silence for a moment as we watched her bump her very inflated bosom under the nose of her husband to get his attention.
‘So, you’ve met Carol.’ Tiggy leaned in confidentially. ‘And her recent additions.’
I smiled a little uncertainly. I wasn’t confident that I understood the power dynamic here.
‘There’s a fine line,’ she whispered, ‘between tasteful aesthetic enhancement and the kind of botched plastic surgery you see in celebrity magazines and I’m afraid Carol’s fallen rather on the wrong side of that line.’ She gestured towards her own delicate little nose.
Ouch, I thought to myself. Yes, Carol’s face was a mess, and yes, some of her phrases were an absolute cringe fest, but she seemed like a harmless soul.
‘Between you and me,’ Tiggy continued. ‘I think she might be addicted to it. She’s had quite a few procedures in the couple of years I’ve known her.
’ She gestured to her own pert breasts and mouthed ‘implants, twice’, then to her own flat-as-a-board stomach and mouthed ‘lipo’ before sticking her bum out at a jaunty angle and mouthing ‘Kardashian lift’ (at least I think that’s what she was trying to say, it’s not the easiest name to convey through exaggerated facial movement alone).
‘Well… If it makes her happy,’ I said, lamely.
Tiggy pulled a little moue of sadness. ‘I don’t think it does though,’ she said, shaking her head.
‘I mean, look at her. She’s an absolute state.
I’d be asking for a refund on the nose-job for a start.
And anyway, I don’t think it’s the only thing she’s addicted to, if you know what I mean.
’ She mimed tipping a glass towards her mouth with a knowing raise of the eyebrows.
I was starting to wish I’d got stuck talking to the woman in the floral dress who’d been so insensitive about student welfare rather than listen to this character assassination, and Tiggy must have picked up on the fact that I was finding it all a bit distasteful because she switched on the charm offensive, shifting tone effortlessly.
‘Of course, she’s an absolute darling in spite of it all,’ she said with a tinkling laugh.
‘And we all adore her. Don’t we, girls?’ She raised her voice to include the rest of the group again.
‘I was just telling Hettie? Hattie?’ She looked at me for confirmation.
‘I was just telling Hattie how much we all love Carol.’ She shifted her gaze over my head.
‘And here comes the lady in question now – armed with another bottle of bubbles, you naughty thing!’
‘She’s a piece of work, that Tiggy,’ I said to Joe in the taxi later.
‘She didn’t know me at all and she just tore Carol apart – it’s quite impressive to get that much negative information across in such a short space of time.
I feel I know the poor woman’s complete medical and mental health history now. ’
Joe’s face fell. ‘Oh, that’s a shame. She’s always very friendly, Tiggy. Her husband John’s quite quiet but seems like a nice guy. Their son’s off to an open day…’
‘At Oxford, yes I know,’ I said. ‘That was pretty much the first thing she told me.’
‘Well,’ he said. ‘At least they all tried to include you. And Carol’s very sweet – I didn’t realise she’d had health issues. Did you have an alright time or was it all dreadful?’
I felt for him. I really did. He’d so hoped I’d get on with those women. ‘It was fine,’ I lied. ‘Some of them were really friendly and they had some, erm, helpful advice about how to cope when your child goes to university.’
‘Oh, that’s nice,’ he said. ‘I guess you’ve got quite a bit in common with them after all. Maybe we should do it again sometime?’
‘Hmmm.’ I stared out of the window for the remainder of the journey and offered up a silent prayer that this would never happen.