Chapter 13
13
MAC
Six months? Joy tilts her head, watching us. I nod in agreement. What else can we do? Rainn’s hand on my leg tightens, and I can almost read his mind. He wants to confess. To tell them it’s not real and we’re getting an annulment.
But are we? Casey called before we left Missouri and said there was no time limit, although sooner is probably better. Especially since we’re going with the not-able-to-consummate-the-marriage track.
How can we be trying to keep our wedding—and everything else—a secret while simultaneously trying to convince others this wedding and our love is real. I choke back a laugh—holy smokes.
“These cookies are amazing, Hal,” Hettie says. “You baked these?—”
“Our families don’t know.” The words burst out before I can stop them, and there’s no way to stuff them back in. “If that’s a problem, tell us now.”
Joy studies me and then Rainn. “Are you planning on telling them?”
“Yes?” he squeaks, and I kick the side of his shoe. “I mean, yes. Of course. Eventually.”
“You’ll need to do it before we release the money.” Hal’s easy smile is gone. “We’ve been fooled before.”
“Of course,” I say since Rainn isn’t saying much of anything. I hate pretending. That’s all I did growing up. But I ignore the guilt churning in my stomach. We can figure out the rest later. For now, the pretense is necessary.
Only the kiss didn’t feel like pretend.
“When’s your flight home?”
“Early Thursday morning,” Rainn says. “We have a hotel reservation, though, so we won’t bother you.”
“Bother us? Did you hear that, Hal?”
He laughs and shakes his head. “We never get to see our grandkids. Please stay with us. We have plenty of room.”
Rainn’s eyes dart to me and raise slightly. I recognize his help me look, but what am I supposed to do?
“Unless there’s a reason you don’t want to stay here.” Hal frowns.
“No reason at all.” I take over. Clearly, Rainn is struggling with all of this.
Joy claps her hands. “Hal can make his meatloaf. It’s amazing. And then tomorrow, we can show you the sights of Kennebunk.”
“And Portland,” Hal adds.
“Perfect.” But Rainn’s sigh says otherwise.
The dinner goes fine. Pretending to be in love isn’t that hard. Rainn and I are already best friends. Friends who sometimes touch each other. Mostly when we’re away from home. It’s almost a relief to get to hold Rainn’s hand and not worry what someone will say.
It’s not until we’re shown our room that we realize the issue. “Do you like it?” Joy asks.
The room is cozy, with a queen-sized bed and pictures of lighthouses on the soft gray walls. If I complain about there being only one bed, will that seem odd? We’re married. I almost giggle at that.
“It’s perfect. Thank you, Joy.” Rainn smiles, and it’s the one that charms most people. All warmth and dimples.
“You’re welcome, dear.” She sighs. “I’m so happy you found your person. And that you didn’t let small…minded people take that away from you.” Her eyes are full of emotion as she kisses his cheek. I expect her to leave then, but she turns to me. “Sweet Eddie. Sorry, that’s how I always think of you. I’m happy for you too. You deserve to be happy.” She kisses my cheek, and her care is real. And despite her words, there are no apologies behind it.
But she must see the confusion in my eyes because she adds, “Over the years, we’ve kept tabs on our grandkids and the people important to them. That includes you, dear.”
“But how?”
She taps her finger against the side of her nose. “Remember, we have a source.”
Then she’s gone, and I still can’t breathe because Rainn and I are alone. Again. Just like a thousand times before. But it feels different. Different from Vegas even. I miss how easy it used to be. Rainn and I just were. And now there’s a current running through our every interaction. The air is filled with it. It’s terrifying. And exciting.
I’m not usually a fan of excitement. It’s overrated. My mind and body crave calm. Not adrenaline shooting through me. Not Rainn glancing away because he can’t even look at me. I swallow the lump in my throat and wave toward the bathroom door in the room. “You want to go first?”
His eyes dart to the closed door, and he laughs. “It’s probably too late for that.” Hettie’s room is connected to ours by a Jack- and-Jill bathroom. Mama Gladdie has a room and bathroom to herself.
The room has no chairs. One queen-sized bed. Dressers. And a large wardrobe instead of a closet. I’m checking out the log cabin quilt covering the bed when I spot it. A large cedar chest at the foot of a bed. While Rainn knocks on the door to the bathroom—yes, Hettie is still in there—I open the chest and breathe in the comforting scent. Emotions war inside me, blurring together as I blink back unexpected tears.
“Are you okay?” Rainn asks, his eyes on the open cedar chest.
I grab several quilts and blankets, close the lid, and pile them on top. “I’m fine.”
“Mac…”
This is the problem with best friends. They know all your secrets. Like how the chest in your room at home is big enough to hold a seven-year-old. Thick enough to muffle scary sounds like angry threats and things breaking.
Screams.
I drag in a shaky breath and motion to my find. The ring on my finger catches the light, and I stumble over my words. “Ex—extra blankets.”
He folds his arms and studies me with those clear blue eyes that see way too much. “Are you cold?”
The room is comfortable. Toasty, even. I laugh. This entire situation is ridiculous. Some of the tension eases from my chest. “We need these.”
His eyes widen with excitement. “We’re building a fort?” Then he must remember he’s twenty-five, not five because he clears his throat and says more evenly, “That sounds like fun. Why?”
I shrug, feeling off-kilter. Like I’m still on that plane and it’s tilting sideways. “Not a fort, really. More like a wall. But a fort sounds…” My shoulders go up again. Oh heck. Rainn probably thinks I’m an idiot. “Never mind.”
He ignores all that and scoops up the covers. “Like we used to do, right? A wall of blankets between us.”
Initially, it was the sheriff’s idea. Maybe it was less gay that way for boys to sleep in the same bed during sleepovers. Never mind we were too young to even understand any of that. Rainn and I made it into a game. He had his space, and I had mine. We loved to play superheroes or army, always invading the other side. When we’d settle down to sleep, I’d catch Rainn peeking over the edge to ensure I was still there.
But I’d do the same. Sometimes before I fell asleep, but more often after a nightmare. Rainn was always there. Instead of breaking down the fort wall, he’d reach under the blankets and find my hand.
We build our wall, and it’s so familiar—so us—that I’m able to relax. After we each take a turn in the bathroom, I snuggle on my side of the bed, content in knowing Rainn is beside me. It’s also easier to talk through a wall. Share your secrets.
“It’s been a while since we’ve done this,” Rainn says softly. Is he thinking the same thing I am? We didn’t have a wall in Vegas. But those are dangerous thoughts because they include memories of touching Rainn. Kissing Rainn. “We were fifteen, I think.”
“You think? It was your fifteenth birthday party.” And then I stop talking because everything that happened after is why we stopped sharing a bed. The storm. Holding him. The kiss.
“I’m so sorry, Mac. I know you hate apologies, but I am. I stole your first kiss?—”
“What?” I sit up, raking my fingers through my hair. My body itches with…something. “For heck’s sake, Rainn. Stop trying to take the blame for everything. This”—I gesture wildly at the room—“is not your fault. And you sure as hecking heck didn’t steal my first kiss.”
“Oh.” He turns away from me, and it takes me a few seconds to figure out why.
I huff out a breath. “Dagnabbit, Rainn. I didn’t kiss anyone else. You were my first, idiot.”
He sits up, his brows scrunching together. “I don’t?—”
I grab his face so he can’t look away. So he finally gets it. “I kissed you. Not the other way around. I stole your first kiss. And you know I don’t apologize. Words are meaningless. But I regret hurting you. I took advantage of you.”
He shakes his head or tries anyway. But I’m not letting go. “That’s not how it happened.”
“How would you know? You weren’t thinking straight.”
Rainn is terrified of storms. When he broke down, I tore through our barrier and held him in my arms. I knew what it felt like to be scared. And to have your best friend there for you.
“You were shaking and crying. Your eyes were wild.” I rub my thumb over his cheek. “I kissed your temple to comfort you, which seemed to help. So I did it again and again, all over your face. Your lips were right there. It wasn’t meant to be—anything. Heck, we were fifteen.” It was barely more than a brush of my lips against his. It hadn’t lasted long. As a kid, it was exciting, new, and confusing. I managed to bury the feelings it invoked for ten years. Vegas brought it all back.
His cheeks flush pink. Is he remembering our kisses then or the ones in Vegas? “I don’t regret it. I would never intentionally hurt you, but I don’t regret our kisses.”
“I’m not gay. Not into guys.”
“I know. You’ve told me often enough.” He tries to pull away, but I hold on.
“That’s why I’m so confused. How can I not be attracted to guys but want you?”
He swallows. “You want me?”
I nod, my face hot. My heart pounds as I lean closer. “I didn’t ask then, but I’m asking now. May I kiss you, Rainn?”
He sucks in a breath. His lips part, and I wait. “Is that a good idea?”
“It’s a terrible idea. Doesn’t change how much I want it.”
“Fuck, Mac. I want to say yes, but the annulment. We can’t consummate the marriage.”
My lips twitch and I bite them to keep them still. “Kissing isn’t sex. You know that, right?”
He smiles and rolls his eyes. “I know. But it leads to sex. And we can’t…not that I’m suggesting you would. I mean?—”
“Stop.” I rest my forehead against his. “I’m not ready for that, but I want more.”
“Then go ahead.” He pulls back and catches my gaze. “Kiss me.”
Nerves paralyze me for a second, but his breath is warm against my skin. His lips parted and waiting. I start slow. Kissing his temple. Smelling his skin. His unique scent. Then kissing his cheek. His jaw. The scar on his chin from a bike accident at thirteen.
We’d built ramps. But his bike flipped. So much blood.
I linger over his scar, so glad to have him. This moment with him. I’m building up to it. Gathering my courage when his whine kicks me over the edge. I smash our lips together, kissing him hard.
I gasp in surprise at the pure need in his response as Rainn slides his tongue in my mouth and owns me. He’s more experienced than I am, with kissing and with kissing guys. I let him take over. There’s nothing sweet or comforting about these kisses. His day-old stubble rubs against mine, reminding me he’s a guy, and there’s a spark of unease, but the need to have him consumes me.
“Rainn.” I’m not sure what I’m asking for.
“I want you so much.” He bites my jaw. Peppers kisses down my throat before sucking on a spot.
My dick is hard, and the lack of oxygen makes it difficult to focus. But one thought comes through my lust-addled brain. I push against his chest, thankful he’s wearing a tee and I’m not touching bare skin. “We can’t do this.”
“What?” His dazed look is addictive, but I retreat behind my half of the wall.
“A divorce is messy. Division of assets. Legal fees. And it could take months. An annulment costs less and is much quicker.”
“Okay?”
I take pity on him and touch his face. “We can’t have sex. We can’t consummate the marriage.”
“How will they know?”
“You’re a terrible liar. Are you really willing to perjure yourself in front of a judge?”
He sighs, closing his eyes. “No.”
I brush a kiss on his mouth. “Kissing is fine.”
He gives me a crooked smile. Those dimples. “What about…touching?”
My dick rallies. And I swallow down my need for Rainn’s hands on me. “Depends on where. I think…” Oh heck. Am I really going to say this? “Touching is okay, but no jerking each other off.”
“Fuck, Mac. Now that image is in my head.”
“Jerking off together should be fine.” My face heats up. “Watching each other. Talking to each other.”
“Like phone sex, but in person.”
I laugh, but it sounds high-pitched and nervous. “Sort of.”
“Are you sure about this, Mac?”
“Not at all,” I say, warmed by the care in his eyes. “And absolutely yes.”
Grinning, he nods. “I’m willing to do this. Get naked. Watch each other jerk off.” Then his smile drops. “But we need rules, Mac. Lines we don’t cross, no matter what. Are you good with that?”
Am I good? Rainn spread out naked and I get to look? Not being afraid, ashamed, of watching him? I nod my agreement because I’m not sure I can speak.
My body is so on board I’m not even sure I’ll last.