Chapter 4
Nathan
I white-knuckled the steering wheel as I pulled out of the school parking lot after the morning drop-off.
My mind was a mess of scattered thoughts swirling in a chaotic maelstrom.
I should be thinking about pack business, about anything other than how good Rissa looked this morning when I dropped Elle off.
I kept replaying moments I shouldn't care about.
The way she laughed when she teased me. The bright, easy confidence with which she carried herself.
A flash of movement caught my eye. The car in front of me had stopped. "Shit!" I slammed on the brakes, barely avoiding a collision. The other driver honked, cursing out the window. I could barely hear it over the pounding of my pulse.
What the hell was wrong with me? She was Gavin's little sister. Fifteen years younger than me. She was closer to Elle's age than mine. The realization landed like a punch to the gut. A fifteen-year gap. Damn it.
I forced myself to focus on the road. I couldn't let thoughts of Rissa distract me like this. I had to get my head straight and be the alpha my pack needed me to be.
Even as I tried to push her from my mind, I could still picture Rissa's playful smile and teasing tone as she called me a "grumpy dad" yesterday afternoon. It stirred something in me I hadn't felt in a long time. Something I thought died with Mira.
I shook my head, exhaling heavily through my nose. No. I refused to go down that road. Rissa was off limits in every possible way. I had to remember that no matter how damn good she looked or how her presence made me feel.
I pulled into the police station parking lot and shut off the engine. I sat there for a long moment, hands still tight on the wheel as I tried to force Rissa out of my head. Pack business. That's what mattered now. Everything else could wait.
I strode into the police station gym, the familiar smells of sweat, rubber mats, and iron enveloping me. This was my haven. A place of focus and control where I could always count on pushing my body to its limits and burning away any unwanted thoughts or frustrations.
Except today, apparently, because as soon as I entered, I immediately regretted it. Gavin was already there, in the middle of a set of pull-ups. He dropped down when he saw me, a wide grin splitting his face.
The punching bag swayed and rattled on its chain as I pummeled it, grunting with each impact. Sweat trickled down my face, stinging my eyes. My muscles burned, but I welcomed the pain. Anything to distract me from thoughts of Rissa that I shouldn't be having.
"Finally decided to show up, old man?" Gavin's voice echoed across the police station gym. Damn it. The last person I wanted to see right now.
I shot him a scowl over my shoulder. "I can still put you on your ass, pup."
Gavin chuckled as he wrapped his hands. But then his gaze sharpened, beta instincts kicking in. "You look tense, Nate. Something on your mind?"
Mentally cursing, I stalked over to the free weights and started curling, putting my back to him. "Just pack business. The usual."
"Uh-huh." I could practically hear Gavin's smirk. "You know, you've been acting differently ever since the pack run the other night."
The weight nearly slipped from my grip. I tightened my hold at the last second. Shit. Was I that obvious? I needed to pull it together.
I forced a shrug, not meeting his eyes in the mirror. "Don't know what you're talking about."
Gavin snorted. "Right. Well, when you're ready to talk about whatever's got you so wound up, you know where to find me."
Relief coursed through me as I heard him head for the door. That was too damn close. I couldn't risk him putting the pieces together about Rissa.
Gritting my teeth, I reached for a heavier dumbbell. I channeled all my roiling emotions into each curl—my frustration, my guilt, my unwanted desire. I lost myself in the familiar burn and stretch of muscle.
This gym had always been my refuge—a place of discipline and control when my thoughts ran wild. A place for the alpha to find balance. And it had never been more needed than right now.
Because no matter how hard I tried to banish Rissa from my mind, she stubbornly crept back in. Her smile, her scent, the sound of her laugh... Damn it! I was the alpha—I should have better control than this.
Setting down the weights with more force than necessary, I braced my hands on my knees and just tried to breathe. To clear my head of inappropriate thoughts about a certain Pre-K teacher who was off limits.
After leaving the gym at the police station, I headed to the pack house located on my property.
It was a two-story house that the pack used as a community center.
We held events, like the monthly pack runs, mating ceremonies, and other celebrations.
There was an activity center for the kids.
Upstairs had six bedrooms, each with their own bathroom.
The bedrooms were for visiting guests and other shifters who needed a place to stay for a little while.
I also had my office on the first floor of the pack house as well as a conference room.
I settled in at my desk and focused on paperwork and admin duties for the pack until it was time to pick up Elle from school.
As I drove to the school to pick up Elle, my mind circled back to Rissa. To the way she'd looked at me that morning, her gaze warm and inviting. To the way her scent had wrapped around me, intoxicating and alluring.
I pulled up to the school, scanning the crowd of students for Elle's familiar face. But even as I looked for my daughter, I found myself searching for a glimpse of Rissa, too.
My heart sank when I didn't see her. What the hell was wrong with me? I wasn't looking for Rissa. I was here for Elle, and Elle alone.
I couldn't shake the hold she had on me. The way she'd gotten under my skin, into my head.
Elle bounded up to the car, her backpack slung over one shoulder. "Hey, Dad!" she chirped, sliding into the passenger seat.
I forced a smile, trying to push thoughts of Rissa from my mind. "Hey, kiddo. How was school?"
As Elle launched into a story about her day, I tried to focus on her words, on being present in the moment. But even as I listened, I had the nagging feeling that something had shifted, irrevocably, the moment Rissa had walked back into my life.
And I had no idea what the hell I was going to do about it.
"Dad, practice was so hard today," Elle complained, her ponytail swishing as she gestured animatedly. "Coach is making us run more because Kayla keeps missing jumps. And I swear, if Kayla forgets the routine again—"
I chuckled, amused by her dramatics. "Maybe she just needs more practice."
Elle scoffed, rolling her eyes. "She needs a new brain."
I shook my head, a genuine smile tugging at my lips. God, she was so much like her mother. Mira had been the same way—passionate, opinionated, never afraid to speak her mind.
The thought hit me like a punch to the gut, stealing my breath. Mira. It had been years since her death, but the pain still felt fresh, raw like a wound that refused to heal.
I swallowed hard, trying to push down the grief that threatened to overwhelm me. I couldn't let Elle see me like this. I had to be strong for her, had to keep it together.
But even as I fought to maintain my composure, I couldn't escape the guilt that gnawed at me. I was betraying Mira's memory by thinking about Rissa and feeling drawn to her in a way I couldn't explain.
I tightened my grip on the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white. I had to get a grip. I had to focus on what mattered—my pack, my daughter, my responsibilities.
Rissa was a distraction, a temptation I couldn't afford to indulge. No matter how much I might want to.
I took a deep breath, forcing myself to push thoughts of her from my mind. I had to be the alpha my pack needed, the father Elle deserved, even if it meant ignoring the part of me that longed for something more.
Elle's voice broke through my thoughts. "Dad?"
I blinked, realizing I'd been silent for too long. I forced a smile, trying to shake off the heaviness that had settled over me. "Sorry, baby girl. Long day."
She eyed me skeptically, her brow furrowing in concern. "You sure you're okay?"
I nodded, focusing my attention back on the road. "I'm fine, Elle. Just tired."
She didn't look convinced, but she let it drop. I was grateful for that. I didn't have the energy to explain the tangled mess of emotions swirling inside me.
As we drove home, my thoughts drifted back to Mira. She would have been so proud of Elle, of the strong, confident young woman she was becoming. Mira would have loved cheering her on at competitions, helping her pick out dresses for dances, and talking her through the ups and downs of teenage life.
But Mira wasn't here. She'd never get to see Elle grow up and never get to share in these moments. The realization hit me like a physical blow, leaving me breathless with grief.
The car filled with an aching quiet, the weight of Mira's absence pressing down on us both. I knew Elle felt it too, even if she didn't say anything.
And then, like a cruel twist of fate, Rissa's teasing voice from the other day echoed in my mind. "Grumpy dad."
Damn it. Why couldn't I get her out of my head? Why did every thought of Mira lead me right back to her?
I gritted my teeth, my grip tightening on the wheel. I had to get a handle on this. I couldn't let myself get distracted, not now.
I stared down at my hands, still gripping the steering wheel long after Elle had disappeared inside the house. With a sigh, I finally forced myself to open the door and step out onto the driveway. The evening air was warm against my skin, carrying the scents of damp earth and pine.
I made my way inside, hanging my keys by the door with a soft jangle. The house was quiet. Elle had already vanished upstairs. Probably texting her friends or working on homework.
I stood there for a moment, feeling adrift, unsure what to do with myself. My gaze landed on the closed door to my bedroom, and I felt a sudden, irrational urge to go in there. To open that small box I knew was tucked away in the back of a drawer.
Before I could second guess myself, I strode forward, pushing open the door and crossing to the dresser. I yanked open the drawer, rummaging around until my fingers closed on the smooth, polished wood of the box.
I carried it over to the bed and sank down on the edge of the mattress. For a long moment, I just held it, staring at the grain of the wood, the gold clasp.
Then, slowly, I opened it.
Mira's wedding ring lay nestled inside, the diamond catching the light. I picked it up, rolling it between my fingers. It felt so light, so delicate. Nothing like the weight of the memories it carried.
"What would you want me to do, Mira?" I whispered, my voice rough. "Would you want me to hold on forever? To never let myself feel anything for anyone else?"
I closed my eyes, picturing her face. The warmth of her smile, the love in her eyes.
"Or would you want me to let go? To open myself up to the possibility of...something new?"
I exhaled slowly, feeling the ache in my chest expand, filling me up until I thought I might burst with it. I didn't know. I wasn't sure I could do either—hold on or let go. It felt like an impossible choice, one I wasn't ready to make.
Carefully, I placed the ring back in the box and shut the lid. I returned it to its place in the drawer and pushed it closed.
Then, I simply sat there in the gathering dark, alone with the ghosts of my past and the uncertainty of my future.