Chapter 16 Rissa #2
Yep. Orgasm number three hit me like a freight train. My inner walls clenched over and over as Nathan lost all control, slamming into me as I went boneless beneath him.
Finally, Nathan groaned out my name, pushing in as hard as he could and holding it there for several seconds. Then he sighed and collapsed on top of me. His weight was heavy, but I didn’t want him to move. Not yet.
We stayed like that for a few long moments, panting and sweaty and tangled in the grass. My heart was full, and I couldn’t remember the last time that had been true.
Then he pulled out with a wet, definitely opposite-of-sexy sort of schlorping sound and rolled over onto his back, pulling me into his arms. We lay there naked beneath the canopy of trees, our hearts hammering together, our breaths mingling in the cool morning air.
“This isn’t going to end well,” I whispered.
Nathan smiled and ran a finger down my cheekbone. “I know. But that was..." he trailed off, seeming at a loss for words.
I propped myself up on one elbow to look at him. "Unexpected?"
A rueful smile tugged at his lips. "To say the least."
I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head, feeling too exposed. "Nathan, what just happened..."
He sat up, reaching for his own clothes. "I know. It's been a long time for me. Since Mira."
I paused, my heart clenching. His wife. His mate. Of course. "How long?" I asked softly.
"Ten years." Pain laced his voice. "She died of a rare shifter disease. It was sudden. Devastating."
"I'm so sorry." Impulsively, I reached out, laying a hand on his arm.
He covered my hand with his own, offering a sad smile. "I never thought I'd feel a connection like that again. She was my true mate. I never imagined it would be possible to have a second. Until..."
"Until me." I swallowed hard.
He blinked rapidly. “I’m having a hard time accepting it, if I’m honest. I don’t want to be disloyal to her memory.”
"Nathan, I feel it, too. This bond between us. But it scares me. Especially since..." I hesitated. "Gosh, I hate to tell you this. Since I have a rare disease too."
His head snapped up, alarm flashing across his face. "What? Rissa, what do you mean?"
I took a shaky breath. "It's a clotting disorder. It is not technically a shifter disease; it is just rare for our kind to have a human disease. The doctors found it after…” I took a deep breath and gathered my courage. I had to say this. “I lost my daughter. Faith. It was a late-term miscarriage."
Tears burned my eyes at her name. I blinked them back. "Losing her was what made them run the tests. Luckily, I found a shifter doctor in Knoxville who could use the shifters’ lab to diagnose it."
"The one funded by that dragon millionaire?" Nathan murmured.
I nodded. "I have to take a pill every day, but it keeps things under control." Glancing away, I forced the next words out. "The loss of Faith, it ended my relationship too."
"What happened?" he asked gently. Coaxing.
"I was in college. Madly in love with my boyfriend, Henry. I got pregnant at twenty." A bitter laugh escaped me. "I never even wanted kids. But once I was pregnant, everything changed. I loved her fiercely, wholly. And then I lost her."
A tear slid down my cheek. I swiped at it angrily. "When Henry found out, he was relieved. Said it was 'for the best.' Like my baby was some inconvenience and not a piece of my heart."
Nathan made a low, disgusted sound. "What an asshole."
"That was the end for us. I couldn't even look at him after that. I transferred schools just to get away."
Sighing, I met Nathan's gaze. His face was soft with shared sorrow and understanding. "Seems we've both lost a lot."
"We have." He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I shivered at his touch. "But maybe we found each other for a reason."
I wanted to believe that. Desperately. But the scars on my heart made it difficult to trust. To hope.
Clearing my throat, I stood, brushing off my jeans. "We should head back. Gavin will wonder where I am."
Nathan's jaw tightened at the mention of my brother. "Rissa, about Gavin. I think we need to tell him. About this thing between us."
Panic clutched at my throat. "No. Absolutely not. He'd lose it. We need to figure this out for ourselves first."
He frowned but finally nodded. "All right. We'll keep it quiet. For now."
I exhaled in relief, even as a pang of guilt twisted my stomach. Keeping secrets from my family felt wrong. But I couldn't risk Gavin's reaction. Not when I was still so uncertain myself.
Squaring my shoulders, I tilted my head toward the path. "Come on. Let's get out of here before they send a search party."
Nathan fell into step beside me, and we walked in heavy silence back toward his house, the ghost of our embrace still lingering on my skin.
"I'm so sorry you went through that with Henry," he said quietly, his voice laced with anger. "What an asshole. He should've been there for you."
Tears pricked at the back of my eyes. "Yeah, well, it showed me his true colors, at least."
Nathan stopped walking, turning to face me. "Rissa, I hope you know that you didn't deserve that. Any of it. Losing a child, I can't imagine the pain."
His earnestness broke the dam inside me. Tears leaked fast out of the corners of my eyes. "After it happened, after Henry, I just couldn't fathom going through that again. So I convinced my doctor to tie my tubes."
Nathan's eyes widened. "Permanently?"
I nodded. "Yep. I had to have our pack healer there to stop the shifter magic from undoing it as it healed.
But it's done." I swallowed hard. "I'll never be able to carry a child again.
It's too risky, even with my meds. I could never put another baby through that.
Not knowing that the chances of it dying are high. "
"Oh, Rissa..." Nathan pulled me into a tight hug as a sob shuddered through me. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. So damn sorry."
We stood there for a long moment, his strong arms enveloping me as years of grief poured out. When I finally pulled back, his shirt was damp with my tears.
"Sorry," I mumbled, swiping at my cheeks.
"Don't apologize." His thumb brushed away an errant tear. "Thank you for trusting me with this."
I attempted a watery smile. "Thanks for listening. And not judging me for any of it."
"Never," he said firmly. With a sigh, he took my hand as we resumed walking across the expansive backyard. "Okay, I think we need a subject change before we both start bawling. Tell me something random about yourself. Something not depressing."
A surprised laugh escaped me. "Um, okay. Let me think." I bit my lip, casting about for something lighthearted. "Oh, I know. I'm a total coffee addict. Can't function without it."
Nathan made a face. "Ugh, really? I can't stand coffee."
I gasped in mock outrage. "What? How is that even possible?"
He chuckled. "Just never liked the taste. I'm more of a tea guy myself."
"Heathen," I teased, nudging him with my elbow. "Clearly, this relationship is doomed."
The word hung in the air between us, heavy with implication. Relationship. Is that what this was now?
Desperate to dispel the sudden tension, I changed the subject yet again. "So, did you ever figure out why Elle hates me? I can't tell if she's mad at me for something specific or if that's just her general teenage vibe."
Nathan grimaced. "Yeah, no. I'm not sure what her deal is. She's seemed moodier than usual in general."
"Ah, to be thirteen again," I said wryly. "All those hormones." Then something occurred to me, and I glanced at him. "Hey, I just realized. Earlier, in the woods? That was the first time I've been with anyone since Henry."
Nathan's steps faltered. "Really?"
Heat crawled up my neck. "Yep. Guess you popped my dry spell. Congrats."
He huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. "Well, that makes two of us then." His eyes met mine, dark with promise. "And I plan to make up for lost time."
Before I could formulate a response to that, we stepped onto his back porch.
Swallowing hard, I dropped Nathan's hand and stepped away, putting some much-needed distance between us. "I should get going."
Disappointment flickered across his face, but he nodded. "Okay. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah. Later." I tried for a smile, but it felt stiff. Wrong.
As I walked to my car, every fiber of my being wanted to run to him, bury myself in his arms, and shut out the world, but I couldn't. We couldn't. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever, a cynical voice whispered.
Tears blurred my vision as I fumbled with my keys, my heart cracking under the strain of all I felt. All I feared.
Finally succeeding in unlocking the door, I slid behind the wheel and gripped it tight, my forehead falling against my white-knuckled hands.
What the hell were we going to do?
Nathan's words echoed in my mind as I drove away from his house. His confusion mirrored my own inner turmoil. Opening up after Henry, being vulnerable again, was terrifying.
I pulled into Gavin’s driveway, my thoughts still swirling. My phone buzzed as I walked up the path to the front door. It was a text from Nathan.
We need to reconsider telling Gavin.
My heart sank. Gavin. He would never understand this, whatever it was between Nathan and me.
I typed back with shaking fingers.
I know. But not yet. Please.
The response came quickly.
He's my beta. It's not right to keep this from him, fated or not.
Tears stung my eyes as I replied.
I get it, but we don't even know what we want yet. Just give me some time. Please.
The typing bubble appeared, disappeared, and then reappeared. Finally, his message popped up.
Okay. For now. But we can't hide this forever.
I let out a shaky breath, equal parts relieved and terrified. Nathan was right. We couldn't keep this a secret indefinitely. But the thought of telling Gavin, of seeing the betrayal on his face, made me sick to my stomach.