Chapter 49
RAIN
“I’m estranged from my family. I want to be able to tell you there’s some big scandal, but there’s not. It’s just… I think it started when my mom died. I was six when she had a brain aneurysm that burst.”
I looked at the floor as I slowly began to go numb.
“I remember laughing before that, so she must’ve loved me.
I don’t remember my dad when I was little.
But I remember moments with my brothers.
We watched movies together, and it wasn’t bad.
We’d make popcorn. It didn’t get bad until after Mom died. ”
Suddenly I was back there, sitting in that hot funeral home. The bench was uncomfortable, and Daniel had snapped at me so many times. I never knew what I had done wrong.
“At the time, they didn’t tell me how she died. She was just gone one day, and then we were at her funeral. My dress was itchy, and this strange woman kept pinching me, making sure I was quiet. I had to sit so still. I remember that part.”
My throat hurt. “I saw her in the casket, and that’s how I knew she wasn’t coming back. I tried waking her up. Daniel hit me, told me not to be stupid.”
Kashvi inhaled sharply. “And your dad?”
I shook my head. “You know, I can’t remember him ever giving me any attention.
He certainly didn’t after my mom died. Whoever that woman was, she went through the house and took down all the pictures of my mom.
Those were the only pictures of me too. And he never interacted with me after that.
He referred to me as ‘the girl’. If there was anything that needed to be conveyed to me, Daniel was given that task.
” My numbness wasn’t quite enough. I paused to breathe for a moment. “He was so mean to me.”
“Daniel? Or your dad?” Kashvi asked.
I looked up, meeting her eyes. “Daniel. I didn’t exist to my father. There was just nothing. The best way I can explain is that I had a room. I was given food. A woman was assigned to look after me until I was older and could start doing everything myself. Laundry. My own meals. All of that.”
“And what age was that?”
I shook my head, shrugging. “I think I was eight or nine?”
There was a long silence before Kashvi asked, “You were doing laundry at eight years old?”
I nodded. “I was doing everything by that age, except driving of course.” I grimaced. “Though if I could go somewhere on my bike, I did.”
“Did your father pay for your things?”
I shook my head. “No.” Shame trickled in. “Daniel had money. I don’t know how he had it. To my knowledge, he and Dane never worked, but they always seemed to have money. I stole from him.”
There was another silence. “You stole from both of them?”
“No, just Daniel. He left his money out all the time. He never counted anything. I was smart. I took small bills to get by, ate the food that was in the cupboards. Cereal is a great thing when you don’t know how to use the stove, but once I figured that out, I was able to make other stuff.
Mac and cheese. Spaghetti. I just had to make small amounts of spaghetti because the pan got too heavy for me sometimes. ”
“And then?”
I shrugged, stripping away the layers and looking at myself from the outside.
“And then nothing. I grew up, and I raised myself.” My throat tightened.
“The woman, whoever she was, eventually stopped coming around. I don’t know if she was hired to take care of the house or if she was a girlfriend, but she went away and another woman came who I know was hired to clean the place.
She came every morning in the summers. Cleaned the house. Cooked meals.”
“Now, you little sweetheart, Mr. Connors told me not to worry about you, that you can make your own meals, but that’s not right,” she’d told me once. “You’re the sweetest little thing, and you never say a word, but you deserve better. Here.”
She’d shoved food into my hands and wrapped her arms around me. The memory brought tears to my eyes, and I blinked them away. “Mrs. Calinther. She made me food sometimes. I think she made it at her house and brought it for me, so my father never suspected she was using his groceries to feed me.”
“What?” Kashvi’s eyes were wide.
“It’s confusing.” I shook my head, trying to decipher everything.
“He was fine with me rummaging through the cupboards when I was little, but when I was ten or eleven and could make my own meals, suddenly she couldn’t make enough food for me?
I didn’t understand it. I still don’t. He never yelled at me, but there were times he caught me leaving the kitchen with food, and he stormed off in a huff.
Then Daniel would come in and yell at me. God, Daniel hated me. He loathed me.”
“Was there other abuse?”
I shook my head, aching. “No, nothing like that.”
“Verbal abuse?” Tyler asked.
I looked over at him, shocked to see tears in his eyes. He asked again, “Verbal abuse?”
“You stupid little bitch. Such a waste of space. You’re lucky to have a room in this house. I swear to God, Dad needs to just toss you out with the trash.”
“Yeah,” I managed. “Daniel was verbally and emotionally abusive.”
“And Dane?” Kashvi asked, gently.
The silence. I remember it as clear as day, as if I was back in that household.
I shook my head, another piece of me splintering off.
I didn’t want to feel any of this. “Dane was like my dad. He ignored me. Daniel was the only one who talked to me, and when he did, he clearly hated that he had to be the one dealing with me. He told me so every time.”
I swallowed a knot in my throat. Get this done.
“I went to the same school as they did, but by the time junior high came around, I could bike everywhere. I got a job that paid me under the counter. I used that money to get by, and then as I got older, I got better jobs. Made more money. I kept all my checks until I was old enough to open a bank account. Thank goodness they didn’t do direct deposit back then, or I don’t think I’d have kept any of my money.
Got my own car as soon as I could—paid cash for it.
It wasn’t anything great, but good enough to get me from one place to another.
A neighbor down the road must’ve had an inkling what was happening, because she took me to get my driver’s license.
My dad relayed through Daniel that if the school ever needed him to sign anything, I could just forge his name. ”
I shook my head. “The message was loud and clear. My dad wanted nothing to do with me. I didn’t exist to him, and that’s how I grew up.
As a burden to them. When I turned eighteen, they expected me to leave.
And that’s what I did.” It still hurt. All of it.
“I put myself through community college, and then I used scholarships to finish my four-year degree. It took me longer, but I worked my way into this field. I’ve not seen my brothers since I turned eighteen, and even the morning I left, they were eating breakfast when I came downstairs with my bags.
My dad was there too. All three of them looked up, but only Daniel reacted.
He said, ‘Good riddance.’ That was the last time I saw Daniel and my father in person.
I saw Dane at the game last week. I haven’t paid attention to their careers or followed them on social media, but they’re franchise darlings, so I can’t miss some things. ”
“What about hockey?” Tyler asked.
“What about it?”
“You have a nasty slap shot. Did you play?”
“Oh.” I shook my head. “No. But if Daniel and Dane had to go to the rink for something hockey-related, I was expected to go with them. Carry their bags. Clean up the ice after them. If they needed a goalie, I suited up and played the position.”
Numb, numb, numb. I didn’t want to remember anymore.
I didn’t want to feel anymore, but I couldn’t help admitting, “After my mom died, those were the only good memories I have of my brothers, and it was because of hockey. I loved the sport. I love the sport. It’s the only time Dane looked at me—when he had to, because I was their goalie. ”
Finally.
Complete numbness achieved.
I’d ceased to feel anything. It was bliss.
“As an adult, when I look back, I realize my emotional development was neglected. But that was it, so can I really complain?” I laughed, the sound hollow.
What was worse? Being seen and abused or not being seen?
I couldn’t think of anyone who would choose the first option.
Being unseen was an invisible prison of its own, but considering the alternative…
Kashvi’s voice shook a little. “Is there anything else I need to know?”
Yes. That I’m the reason Tyler’s sister has her brain injury.
But I couldn’t bring myself to admit that. I just couldn’t. I shook my head, lying. “That’s it from my end.”
“That’s not it,” Tyler said. He raked a hand over his face. “You can pull up all the history between our schools and our rivalry. Daniel dated my sister the summer after he graduated, which was before our senior year.”
Kashvi now stared hard at Tyler. “Are you shitting me?”
He shook his head. “They didn’t date long, and they broke up after they were in a car accident. She got a brain injury from that wreck.”
“He dumped your sister after that happened?”
He laughed bitterly. “I believe the excuse he gave was that he was leaving to join Juniors, so why stay together? But yeah, he dumped her while she was still in the hospital.”
Kashvi’s eyes slid my way before returning to her notepad. “What a swell guy.” She took a moment before she shoved back in her seat. “Jesus Christ, you guys. This could blow up in a big fucking way.” She looked between us. “I need to know how you want to play this and what you’re willing to do.”
I frowned. What did she mean?
Tyler looked over at me, a low heat simmering in his gaze.
My lips parted. I got an uneasy feeling.
Tyler turned to Kashvi. “I think it’s time the world knew what pieces of shit the Connors brothers are, don’t you?”
Kashvi laughed darkly, but there was a warning on her face.
“I’ll be very honest here. There are a lot of ways this story could go sideways, and the blame could land on either your sister or Rain.
Women get blamed. That’s how society is.
If you want the narrative to go the way you want, I suggest you be the one to say everything.
Or have this ready to go if we decide to use it. ”
Tyler’s response was immediate. “Sign me the fuck up.”
My lungs ceased to work as fear gripped me. They couldn’t… Were they talking about…? I couldn’t process that. Both turned to me, waiting for my decision. I needed to say something, but didn’t they see how hard it had been to even tell them?
I had grown up as nothing. I wasn’t worth this fight, and people would see that. The public would see exactly what my father knew, what Daniel knew, what Dane knew. Didn’t Tyler see this? It wouldn’t go the way he was thinking. The public would hate me, and then they’d hate him too.
I shook my head, getting up from my seat.
I couldn’t do that to him.
He’d link himself to me if we did this, and eventually he’d see whatever was wrong with me.
He’d identify what my family had seen right away, and then he’d be bitter.
I couldn’t stick around and wait for the day he looked at me with the same hatred Daniel had—or worse, the day he looked through me the way Dane did.
Suddenly I was back in my apartment in Kansas City. I was at my kitchen table, the gun I’d bought in my hand.
Christ, I wished now that I’d used it. None of this would be happening.
“Rain?” Tyler stood with me.
I shook my head, backing away. “I can’t…” I whispered. I couldn’t get my voice to be any louder. It was physically impossible. Something was strangling me, choking my ability to breathe. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” I looked at Kashvi. “I resign.”