Chapter 12 - Zoe
Before, it was easy to maintain that sense of indifference bordering on hatred for Ezra. I had every reason to hate him, avoid him, and wish I could forget him. It was easy because he left everything in the air between us and refused to even consider being with me.
I had every right, and I knew it, but ever since we hooked up again, I could feel those defensive walls I meticulously put up as they started to shake.
It was still something I couldn't fully grasp, given how sudden it was and how I never expected him to make a move like that again. It only raised more questions, leaving me to wonder about his motives and how he planned on handling things moving forward.
Given how deadset I had been on resisting him, I was angry with myself for giving in and allowing it to happen in the first place. I was supposed to be stronger than that. I was supposed to be able to stick to the plan and not let any of those repressed feelings return.
Still, regardless of how frustrating it was to know he still had that pull over me, I couldn't deny how fulfilling it had been. How that anger mingled with the mutual attraction, which neither of us could ignore, made it more thrilling.
However, there was an immediate consequence for giving in, and I could feel it pulsing in my chest even while he was busy at work.
Even if I couldn't resist that desire I had for him, I didn't anticipate that our mate bond would snap back into place so quickly. I assumed that, if anything, it would take time to heal and grow if we ever decided to nurture it again, not having it come back with an even greater intensity.
On one hand, it felt nice...like it was right. It brought a wave of benefits along with it, like a sense of calm whenever he was near and a boost of strength for both of us. It was something I had always wanted, which made me want to accept it.
However, if not handled well, that bond could backfire immediately. It would give us both a weakness all over again and if we decided to call it quits completely, then we'd have to go through that heartbreak all over again.
It hurt bad enough the first time, and no part of me wanted to experience that kind of suffering again. Yet, we both put ourselves in that position. Neither of us stopped ourselves from following through with it, and it seemed we only had two options moving forward.
Either we'd embrace it or break that bond all over again.
Just thinking about it made my stomach turn, and regardless of how I tried, I was struggling to navigate it.
But at the very least, I was glad to have Lydia and Callie as a distraction in the meantime.
Being around them didn't always distract me from Ezra and our situation, but it certainly helped to keep my thoughts from spiraling out of control.
While the little one played on the deck out back with her toys, Lydia and I sat on two lounge chairs in the sun, watching over her while she babbled to herself.
It was nice to have that chance to get away from the house and feel a bit more normal. Even if everything with Ezra was all over the board, and I was struggling to keep up, having my best friend around was the constant I could rely on.
It made me wonder how things would've gone if she had still been around when Ezra and I first hooked up. I imagined having that support would've made my healing period a bit more bearable.
But I couldn't complain about having her back or about the fact that she was in my life in a different way.
"How's everything going with this arrangement?" Lydia asked, sipping her mocktail with a knowing smile. "Any rocky water between the betrothed?"
It was still somewhat embarrassing to remember that we were pretending to be engaged—not just together, but set to be married.
Despite it not being real, it still brought strange implications with it, and given how we’d had sex, it only complicated things more.
Regardless, I didn't want to make a big deal. I didn't want Lydia to know yet either...not while I knew she'd tell Sebastian, and in turn, he'd likely lose his mind.
I let go of a sigh and leaned back in my seat. "Oh, he's as stubborn and opinionated as ever, but we're somehow making it work. As long as we keep our distance, we manage to not fight."
It was partially true, but in reality, we became closer than ever in a literal, physical sense.
Lydia chuckled at that, running a hand over the slight swell of her stomach. "I can just imagine...although, I'm surprised things aren't worse. He must be desperate to get his parents off his back."
Despite there being other reasons for his change of heart, apparently, she wasn't really wrong.
I nodded. "He is. Honestly, seeing how serious he was about it was what convinced me to help him. That and the fact that he never asks for help."
"No kidding. You'd think hell froze over."
I hummed my amusement, letting myself sit in that thought for a moment.
A moment of quiet passed between us before Lydia glanced over at me. "If everything is fine with Ezra, then why do you seem so unsure?"
Realizing I wasn't exactly being the most careful about my outward emotions, I made the immediate conscious effort to reign it back in. I shrugged, immediately reaching for some sort of excuse. "I don't know...I guess there's been another situation keeping me preoccupied."
Lydia's expression lit up immediately, and it was clear I piqued her interest. "Do tell..."
Considering it for a moment, I knew I had to tread carefully to avoid giving Ezra and me away. But at the same time, I wanted a way to get her opinion on the situation.
Even if it wasn't entirely truthful, the plan forming in my head seemed like a suitable start.
"What if...hypothetically...I slept with someone?"
Lydia's eyes lit up without missing a beat, and her jaw fell open as if in complete disbelief. "Oh my god—who?"
I had to stifle a laugh at her enthusiasm. Although, I was also somewhat walking on eggshells, trying my best to hide Ezra's identity.
"It isn't someone you know if that's what you're wondering."
Lydia, completely scandalized by the whole thing, looked far too intrigued for her own good. I could've sworn her eyes were dazzling from all of her curiosity. "Is it someone from Ezra's territory?"
Letting the hint of a knowing grin spread across my lips, I shrugged. "Maybe..."
It wasn't entirely wrong, but it wasn't quite right either. Yet, it was a solid cover-up since Lydia wasn't familiar with everyone in his pack.
Lydia groaned to herself, seeming like she was going to go insane from not knowing. "This is so unfair."
I chuckled. "Things are already complicated enough; I can't risk it getting worse."
She sighed and leaned back in her chair, conceding. "I guess you're right...I can't argue with that. So, what's the issue then?"
I let go of a breath while I considered it, thinking of how I could spin it to reveal at least some of the truth so that I could get her insight.
"Okay, so say I slept with this person, right? But Ezra has no idea I did, and while I'm a part of this agreement, I don't know how he might react if I told him, but something in me says I should mention it...what should I do?"
Lydia, finally biting and letting this anonymous hookup slide, let go of a breath. "I guess you have no way of knowing how he might react. But do you want something more with the person you hooked up with?"
I shrugged, hiding its true depth. "I might...or at least, I could potentially see something more happening. The problem is, how would I handle wanting to see this person more if I'm living in Ezra's home while trying to convince his parents we're together? I don't know how to pursue this connection without risking the plan."
Lydia nodded her understanding as I explained the situation. "Hmm...I see how that might be difficult. You want to pursue this person, but you don't know how he'll react given the plan...and you don't want to spoil the ruse either." She sighed thoughtfully. "I'll be honest, this is a pretty tricky situation."
Even if she was unaware that, in this case, the anonymous hookup was indeed Ezra and the hypothetical Ezra was actually Sebastian, I was still hoping for solid advice. While the proposed situation wasn't all that accurate, the reawakening of our mate bond felt just as complicated to handle.
"I don't know if you'll like this answer, but I think you just need to be honest," Lydia began, sounding sincere. "If you like this person and see it going somewhere, then just tell Ezra. It's not like you're actually dating him, right? You’re just as free to do what you want as you were before, and I'm sure he'd understand."
Being reminded that we weren't a couple stung somewhat, but I knew Lydia wasn't wrong.
She made it sound simple enough to come out with it, but I still had reservations about telling Sebastian. I knew that Ezra wouldn't want me to either, given that we'd both have to face my brother's wrath. He would probably have it worse, too.
I sighed. "And you think this connection is worth pursuing?"
Lydia smiled. "If this person makes you happy and you can see yourself being with them, then why not? I want to see you with someone who treats you right, you know."
I mirrored her expression then, feeling somewhat better about the situation, even if I hadn't done anything to solve anything. "That means a lot to me...I appreciate your opinion on this."
Her smile grew as she nodded. "Of course. I'm always happy to lend an ear. But I hope you know I'm going to be painfully curious about who this mystery person is now."
Laughing quietly at the obvious impatience and curiosity in her eyes, I nodded to myself. "I know, I know. When I think it's worth telling you, you'll be the first one to hear it."
Lydia looked a bit more pleased with herself than as she gently rubbed her stomach. "That's what I like to hear."
I chuckle for a moment, glancing at the bump. "How have you been feeling, by the way?"
She pulled in a breath and gave me a weary smile. "Mostly okay...I'm definitely feeling more tired than usual, so keeping up with Callie has been a bit difficult. But Sebastian has been a big help while I'm growing number two here."
Smiling, I felt a rush of joy for the two of them at the thought of their family growing by another. "I can tell he's getting more and more excited about it. What do you think it'll be?"
Lydia grinned. "I think it'll be another girl, but he's really hoping for a boy."
"One of each, hm?"
She chuckled and nodded. "That's the hope anyway. But regardless, we'll be just as happy with the outcome."
"I know you will be," I murmured, letting a hint of teasing fill my voice. "So long as they adore their aunt Zoe, I'll be more than content."
We both chuckled at that, and I was relieved for the change of topic.
Even if things were certainly strange with Ezra, and everything seemed to be getting messier with every passing day, I was glad to have another addition to the family to look forward to.