Chapter 25 - Ezra
My pulse roared in my ears as I aimlessly stormed down the road on foot, too aggravated to get behind the wheel yet.
I felt like a complete mess—torn between that never-ending anger and the pain of being seen in such a poor light by someone I cared about. By someone I thought would have my back.
It took me years to finally allow myself to build those friendships on a more personal level, and after thinking I could be more open and honest than I ever had been with anyone I called a friend, it still didn’t matter. Right when I was lowering my defenses, he reminded me of exactly why I had them up in the first place.
I knew our mate bond would be a point of contention with Sebastian, but I thought he'd at least hear me out. At least try to understand where I was coming from and how it wasn’t something I took lightly.
While my intentions had been fairly selfish initially, that wasn’t the case anymore. I pushed that connection with Zoe away for so long that it came back with a vengeance, and even if I wanted to be without it, I knew my wolf would never allow that.
I didn't make the decision to be drawn to his sister. It was beyond my control, regardless of what he claimed.
His words burned and made me want to stay away from them all, to retreat within myself and keep every thought and feeling locked up tight. It took so much courage and bravery to even mention something about my childhood and parents, but it all seemed like it had been for nothing. All that bonding and becoming best friends with the guys had been squandered just because of Sebastian’s inability to see his sister as her own person. As someone capable of handling herself and exploring her options.
I wanted to be vulnerable, to make the effort to be a better friend, and to make those connections. But where did that get me?
No place worth being.
"Ezra!"
Despite my anger, her voice caused me to stop in my tracks, and that bond in my chest, while strained at the moment, still responded to her proximity. It still keened for her, regardless of how I tried to shove it down.
I couldn't stop myself from looking back at her.
"Wait," she said, features troubled as she approached with swift steps. She reached out for me, voice gentle, "I'm sorry about Sebastian—“
But the moment she reached for my arm, I shook her off. It was colder than I meant to be, but I was still too hot—too full of anger and pain to be receptive. The wound caused by Sebastian was still too fresh, and I wanted her to stay away so that I didn’t cause any more harm.
The immediate confusion and hurt that moved through her gaze made my heart twist, but I repressed it.
"Ezra..."
Averting my gaze, I couldn't look at her as I felt those words coming before I could stop them.
"We can't keep doing this," I muttered, trying to suppress how much it ached to say. "We have to be done with it—us, the arrangement, everything..."
Zoe's brows pinched together, stunned as she took in what I was saying. Concern immediately filtered into her features. After a moment, she shook her head and began, "Whatever Sebastian said—“
But I shook my head before she could continue. "No...I'm done with this. It's better for you if I'm not in your life," I said, letting go of a breath as that pain moved through my veins like sludge. "I fuck everything up anyway. It's bound to happen eventually, so we might as well cut our losses now. You’ll be better off this way.”
There was no turning back then...no undoing how I started reverting to my old, reclusive ways. Back when I was never good enough for my parents and when I couldn't trust anyone enough to keep them around. To allow myself the chance to open up.
It was a cold reminder that I would never be enough for Zoe, regardless of how hard I tried or how badly I wanted it to be different.
The crushing weight of everything hitting me at once pushed me down, and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't stand the pressure, and I couldn't stand how it made me feel so useless. So helpless.
As much as I wanted to spare her more than anything, I could feel how devastated Zoe was. I could see it written on her face and feel how her heart ached through our connection.
It hurt me, in turn, to see how distraught she was, especially given how reminiscent it was of the first time I rejected her.
After that day, when I was forced to witness the active breaking of her heart, I made a silent promise to her and myself that I would never cause that pain again. I was determined never to be why she fell apart, but it seemed I was still just as bad at keeping my promises.
It made me feel even worse about it all, along with the agonizing pain of our bond bending beneath the pressure of my renewed resistance.
But there was nothing else I could do. I had no other choice but to make the decision that would help Zoe in the long run, even if it caused the most pain at that moment. I knew she could do better than me in infinite ways.
As much as I wanted her, and as much as I cared for her, I couldn’t just overlook how rotten I could be, especially not after her brother was kind enough to point that out to me.
Pushing down the guilt and remorse that plagued me from breaking her heart all over again, I met her gaze. Regardless of how badly that bond inside me just wanted to comfort her, I had to resist it. I had to do it for her, even if it made her hate me.
Her eyes were big with emotion and devastation as tears gathered within them. She sniffled and tried to regain her composure, but it was no use. "Ezra..."
Steeling myself against those tumultuous emotions that ran rampant within me, I looked at her coldly. "You don't need to come by the house. I'll drop your things off at your place tomorrow."
Almost like I was only adding more sharp, brutal nails to the coffin, I watched every minute reaction on her face, aware that I was only making that agony worse for her.
By the end of it all, I was sure she would hate me for good. I knew it would be the end of us, even if it tore me to pieces to even consider it.
I wanted more than anything to find a way to make it work, to be brave and step outside myself for a moment to stand up for my convictions. I wanted to prove everyone wrong and show Zoe the love she deserved, but I couldn't find it in me after being reminded of how unreliable and untrustworthy I was with her heart and emotions.
After running from my parents and my past, after trying to make a life for myself and grow beyond what I once was, it all seemed like it was for nothing. It felt like I was destined to only fail, regardless of where my heart was. Regardless of how badly I just wanted to be happy.
After being stunned into complete silence while the emotions moved through her, Zoe finally found the words as tears moved down her cheeks. Her voice was so broken that it nearly made me choke.
"Ezra...you don't have to do this. We can figure something out...I know we can."
She was trying—genuinely trying to reach out and make it work. But at that point, I didn't have anything left to give. I was exhausted from trying to convince myself I could be better for her and believing my fate wasn’t sealed the moment I was born into those circumstances.
I sure as hell wasn't about to give her my broken pieces—she deserved care and softness, not those rough, jagged edges of mine.
I was no good for her, and I never would be.
My throat closed up as I did my best to hide my emotions. I shook my head in a silent bid to end the conversation and kept walking past her.
It hurt like hell to see her like that and to ignore her pain so arrogantly, but I couldn't think about it for too long. I had to go before I showed any more weakness.
Heading for my truck, I popped the door and got in, closing it and turning the engine on before I could break once and for all.
I could only look ahead as I took off, not daring to even glance through the rearview back at her. I just wanted to get back to my pack grounds. To get back home and bury every raging emotion within me. At least then, I’d be surrounded by my followers.
It didn't matter what I did or what lies; I tried to convince myself to believe. I would never get it right.
The facts were laid out before me, and I had to quit while I was ahead.
I had to leave to spare her, even if it killed me to leave her like that.