Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
MOLLY
I’m an engaged woman.
I should be over the moon.
Yet I’ve been walking around like a ghost.
Why can’t I stop thinking about the man who lied and deceived me?
The entire week, I avoided going to Matt’s place, insisting on sleeping at mine. I don’t possess the strength to look at Alexander. The look on his face when I said yes to Matt haunts me still.
It was the look of a man who had his whole world eviscerated.
I’m to blame.
Did I make a mistake? Aren’t women taught to choose a man who’s a green flag? Isn’t that the appropriate and sane choice? Matt is that man.
So why does my heart race faster and my entire body go aflame for Alexander, who’s nothing but a red flag?
Why does it feel like I’ve been missing a limb ever since I came back?
Like I’m trapped in this house rather than the dungeon where he kept me as his captive?
Why is the right choice seeming like the most terrible choice?
I do love Matt. He makes me happy. I thought that once I came back to him, the confusing feelings his father ignited would wane and clarity would follow.
Instead, I’ve been slowly dying inside.
“Hey, fiancée.”
I startle as Matt lands on the bed beside me. Leaning down, he gives me a soft peck. I mutter, “Hey.”
Nervousness has joined the inner turmoil I’ve been dealing with for the past two weeks. I decided to sleep at Matt’s place to avoid raising suspicion. I’m torn and drenched in guilt every time I talk with Matt and don’t tell him the truth.
Are lies and betrayal the foundation I want for our marriage?
Do I even want a marriage?
Or perhaps he’s the wrong man.
Matt skates his lips down the slope of my neck instead of backing away. His hands join in, running along my shoulders and slipping under the straps of my nightie. Pulling them down, he licks along my collarbone before trailing lower to my breasts.
It feels all sorts of wrong. Like… cheating. It’s absurd because I never once felt this icky feeling when Alexander roamed his hands and kissed me all over.
Shouldn’t it be vice versa?
Matt and I haven’t been intimate since my return from the ‘nature retreat’. I made excuses of being tired and not being in the mood, which isn’t like me.
I don’t even moan when he bares my nipple and sucks it into his mouth. I shift restlessly, wanting his hands off and him across the room.
Clueless as ever, he mistakes my movement for arousal and reaches for the hem of my nightdress. He glides it up my thighs. A second before he can touch my pussy, I grip his wrists. “Matt.”
“What?” he huskily asks, moving to my other breast.
“Not tonight.”
“Come on, baby,” he coaxes. “It’s been weeks since we fucked. I wanna make love to my soon-to-be wife.”
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I push him away, fixing my nightie. “I had a long day. I’m not feeling so well either. Another night, okay?”
He sighs, getting off me and flipping onto his back. “Are you punishing me for not being enthusiastic about your fantasy?”
My stomach knots. “Of course not.”
“I was on my way when I ran into Dad on Halloween. He told me you had to leave right away if you wanted to catch up with the group for the retreat.” Glancing at me, he says apologetically, “I know you haven’t been satisfied with our sex life lately.
So, I’m willing to try to be more of what you need.
We can still role-play captor and captive. It turned me on like crazy.”
Flashes of my debauched and carnal week with Alexander play in my head.
My nipples pebble and my pussy quivers, remembering the heat of Alexander’s lips and tongue and hands.
More than that, it’s the soft moments when we chatted, goofed around a little, and flirted that bring a pang to my chest. Especially his confession about how much he loves me.
He couldn’t say it enough. He told me those three words more times in a week than Matt has in the five years of our relationship.
“What do you think?” Matt taps my arm.
“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
He smiles. “Come here. I want to cuddle with my girl.”
The clock strikes midnight when I walk downstairs.
I needed to get away from Matt before I suffocated. He’s being the perfect fiancé, while I am a mess. He doesn’t deserve this version of me.
What kind of woman throws away a five-year-long relationship over a week with a man she had a silly crush on when she was younger?
I’m just confused.
All these crazy feelings will pass once I get my head on straight. Alexander will be nothing more than a sordid memory.
Stepping into the kitchen, I grab a glass of water.
A soft thud scares me.
My hand trembles, and my back goes rigid when I hear footfalls coming down the hallway. A yearning and desperation like never before has my body turning around with a mind of its own, waiting for him to appear before me.
As if my soul is about to have its thirst quenched.
His shadow teases me a second before Alexander fills my line of sight. Every nerve in my body lights up, my pulse pounding harder.
I inhale sharply, making his head snap up in my direction.
He halts, still clad in his uniform. His blue eyes, dull and lacking their piercing intensity, clash with mine. They soften around the edges as they roam over my face, making him a million times more handsome.
As if he’s as powerless to our connection, he turns and steps into the light in the kitchen.
“Oh my god!” I cry out, running toward him as I see the bandage on his forehead. There’s another wrapped around his right palm. “What happened? Who hurt you?”
“A downside of the job, Molly,” he answers quietly. “I’m fine.”
I lift his wrist, tearing up at the blood that has soaked through the bandage. Tilting my head, I cup his jaw, dark with stubble. Caressing his angular cheek, I murmur, “Please tell me you aren’t hurt anywhere else.”
“Why?” His tone is hard and accusing. “Are you going to fix it? Make it stop hurting? While you’re at it, how about you fix my broken heart? It is what’s killing me slowly.”
“A-Alex,” I hiccup.
“You want to know what hurts?” Seizing my left wrist, he flashes my engagement ring in my face. “This. Seeing his ring on your finger. It’s tearing me apart.”
“I-I’m sorry-y.”
“Why him, Molly?”
“Because if I say yes to you, then I’m no different than my father.
” The deep-seated truth pours out of my mouth.
“I saw what his walking out on us did to my mother. It took years for her to let someone in and fall in love again. Matt is a good man. I can’t break his heart.
Nor do I want to damage your relationship with him more than I already have. ”
“Oh, little bird,” murmurs Alexander, his anger thawing as he bundles me against his chest. “You’re nothing like your father.”
I sob, wetting his shirt.
“You also can’t allow this fear to stay with Matt.
I knew the risks when I went after you. Protecting my relationship with him is not your burden to bear.
” Tilting my face, he brushes my tears away.
“Don’t marry him, Molly. You’ll be hurting him far worse with this decision.
It’s not fair to either of you. And I’m not saying that because I want to steal you for myself. ”
Alexander stares at me earnestly as I absorb his words. My heart beats for him, but my tattered morals are keeping me from listening to it.
He sees the shutter going down in my eyes as I inch back.
“Molly,” he utters brokenly.
“I owe it to him to give our relationship a chance. It’s what’s best for everyone,” I say resolutely. “I got over you once. I’ll do it again.”