41. Ian
41
IAN
The look on her face the moment our eyes meet says it all. She never planned to tell me.
I can't believe it.
“Oh my God, it's true.”
She looks away from me for a moment before she faces me again, a look of deception replacing her previously scared one.
“Don't even think about it. I know the truth!” I bark.
She flinches at my voice, so I draw in a long breath to calm myself.
“Who told you?”
Is she kidding me right now? I just found out she was going to make my unborn child collateral damage to keep her asshole of a father alive, and all she can think to ask me is who told me?
“Sarah, if I were you, I'd pick my words carefully going forward,” I say slowly.
Understanding shines in her eyes. She nods, putting a hand up in surrender. “You're right, I'm sorry. What do you want to know?”
Maybe if she'd said those words to me weeks ago and followed through on it after I gave my response, I wouldn't be so pissed at her right now.
“Two things: are you pregnant and were you going to donate bone marrow to your father knowing you could lose the baby?”
I don't exactly frame my questions prettily, which is why I'm not surprised when her face gets blanketed with fear, and she starts to panic.
“Let me explain,” she pleads, frantically moving toward me.
I raise my hand to stop her. With the way I'm feeling inside, it's best she doesn't come close. I'll probably just burst into tears and make a bigger fool of myself.
She's pregnant, and not only did she not tell me, but she was going to kill my child.
Am I that terrible as a person?
“How could you?”
“Ian, I can explain. Please just hear me out.”
“Hear you out?” I bark.
It's way past time of hearing her out. She had plenty of time to tell the truth, plenty of opportunities, and last night was one of them! But she didn't say a word. Instead, she looked me in the face and lied.
She said she was doing this to protect her daughter. Somehow, that just makes me feel worse.
I get that she was backed into a corner, but that's the whole point of me asking her to trust me! All she had to do was trust me, and I would have sorted out any problem for her.
“You were going to kill my child with no plan of ever telling me, and you're asking me to hear you out?”
“I wasn't going to kill any child!”
She's still lying. Damn it.
“Why did you back out from helping your father initially?” I ask.
She scoffs and looks away from me before she speaks. “That's not important.”
“Bullshit, it's not. You found out you were pregnant! That's what you've been keeping from me all this while, isn't it?” I ask.
She won't look at me or answer, and it pisses me the hell off.
“Answer me!” I bark.
“Yes.” she hisses, now angry too.
Good, I could really use her anger right now.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Why do you think? You weren't particularly embracing the prospect of being a father.”
No, I wasn't. But I never would have turned her away, regardless.
“So, you decided to keep it away from me then, just like you decided to kill it, too?”
“Stop saying I was going to kill it. I was just stalling Peter until my plan worked out. No way I would have gone through with the surgery.”
I wish she could hear herself right now.
“And what was your big plan exactly?” I ask, not caring how condescending I sound.
What could she have planned that would have gotten Peter off her back?
“Sheila and Olivia are on their way abroad as we speak. My agent helped process the journey. If all goes well, I should get a call soon after they've arrived. The plan was to stall Peter for as long as I could, and when they were safe, I'd tell him to do whatever he wanted with Kyle because it wouldn't matter. Olivia would be safe by then.”
She speaks so confidently it's hard to not believe her. I had no idea she had any plan in place. If I did, maybe I wouldn't have needed to get involved, not in the way I did anyway.
All she had to do was trust me.
Is that too much for her?
“And if things hadn't gone according to plan?” I ask even though I know that's not a point right now.
“It would have. I've already gotten a message that they've boarded their flight.”
“When was this?”
“Just as I got to the hospital, about four hours ago.”
Fantastic. And then she lets me make a fool of myself afterward. If what I did to Peter had gone south, does she realize how much trouble I'd be in right now?
Stepping back from the window, I let my legs take me to the bed where I take a seat at the edge.
“So, you had it all figured out, huh?”
“Pretty much.” She shrugs. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just wasn't sure how you'd take it.”
I nod and try to let myself wrap my head around the whole thing. I'm unable to.
It's all so hard. Am I happy she had a good plan in place? Yes. But I'm not satisfied. The fact that she gambled on our child's life doesn't sit well with me at all.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” I ask her.
She shrugs, moves closer to me, and takes a seat, too. “Honestly, I didn't think I would. But as I was driving back from the hospital and your call came in, all I could think of was telling you. I'm sorry, Ian. I honestly wish I had told you earlier. I imagined it many times. Dreamed about it, even. But I was too scared that you'd reject me.”
Somehow, I believe that she was thinking of telling me. But that she was scared I'd reject her? That guts me.
I know I wasn't the best man to her years ago, but I've been constantly trying to redeem myself since I started to think there's a chance for us.
But I haven't exactly been open about my feelings, so I do understand why she'd be reluctant. Still, I'd like to believe she knows I care about her even if she doesn't know I love her.
Shit, I love her, don't I?
Goodness.
It takes almost losing a child I didn't even know I wanted for me to realize I love her.
I'm a big idiot, I know. Don't tell me.
Swallowing, I glance at her. Although troubled, she's still beautiful. How am I ever going to live without her after all this?
“Why would you ever think I'd reject you?” I let the words venture out, desperate to understand in what world she thinks I'd be stupid enough to do that again, especially with a child in the picture.
“I don't know. Maybe because you've done it before?” She whispers so quietly I almost do not hear her.
Fuck.
My anger instantly leaves me, and it's replaced with guilt.
I did this.
I made this beautiful woman into someone who decided to fight her battles alone, unable to really trust anyone because I left her years ago.
How could I have not seen the effect of my leaving all those years on her?
If anyone deserves everything, it's her.
“I'm sorry, Sarah,” I say genuinely. She glances at me, and I let my sincerity show.
She nods before she looks away from me. From the side of her face, I can see emotions running over her features.
“So am I, Ian. So am I.”
“I want the child.”
She snaps her head at me so fast, I'm almost scared she's going to break her neck.
“Easy with the neck,” I tease.
She scoffs and addresses me with disbelief. “Repeat what you said again.”
“Come on, you heard me.”
“No, I don't think I did. Not properly.”
She did. She just doesn't believe it. I've done that much of a number on her?
If she'll let me, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to her.
Moving closer to her, I take one of her hands in mine, our gaze still aligned.
“I want the child, Sarah. I want you too. I'm so sorry it took me almost losing it, losing the both of you, to realize that I can't imagine my life without either of you. Even Olivia. I've been wishing she was mine the moment I saw her. I know I don't exactly have the best track record, but I promise you, if you give me another chance, I won't mess it up.”
Her lips press so hard together when I'm done speaking. I tell myself it's because she's emotional from my words.
“I don't know what to say.”
“Say you'll forgive me for being so stupid for this long.”
“You're not exactly the only one to be blamed. I am wrong too, are you willing to forgive me for not being honest with you? ”
I shrug. “It doesn't matter. You didn't trust me because I didn't give you a reason to. Now I want to. I forgive you if you forgive me. Sarah, I'm asking that you don't hold my past actions against our chance of being happy. We can still fix this.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Yes, Ian. And like I said you're not the only one to be blamed here. I was wrong too. I'm going to sign up for therapy as soon as I get back home, you know, get my trust issues dealt with. I'm really sorry for not telling you the truth on time.”
I smile and nod, hope lighting a path in my heart. “That’s good, so, does that mean you want to be with me now?”
She hesitates, her mouth opening a couple of times, but no words leave her. I wait, telling myself to give her as much time as she needs.
“Are you sure? I don't want you doing anything you're not entirely happy with,” she says, looking unsure.
Damn. Have I really portrayed myself that terribly to her?
“Sarah, I left fifteen years ago, not because I didn't love you but because I felt too old for you. I was thirty-one, and you were barely eighteen. It felt wrong. But I need you to get it through your head that I never stopped loving you, even when I didn't know it myself. Now, I would understand if you don't want to be with me after everything, but don't for a second think I'm doing anything I don't want here. You're exactly what I want. What I've always wanted. What I'll always want.”
She's in my lap the moment the last word leaves me, her hands going around my neck.
A startled chuckle leaves me as she gropes me, and I let my hands go around her, too, careful not to squeeze her. I hold her close to me, inhaling her sweet scent.
I was almost starting to think I'd never get to have her like this in my arms again.
“I love you, Ian. And I don't care if you're a thousand years older than me. I never have. I never will.”
I laugh. “Well, as good as that sounds, I'm still glad I'm only a decade and a half older than you. Let's not start making me feel too old.”
“Too old? I don't know many young men who look half as handsome as you.”
And now she's just pulling my leg.
“I'm serious, Ian.”
I nod, not wanting to drag the conversation any longer and do the very thing I've been wanting to since I saw her in that hospital room. It was so hard to act so mean toward her and to do it successfully.
The recollection of the look on her face when I threatened to take her alongside Peter makes me laugh.
“What's funny?” she asks.
“The look on your face at the hospital.”
“There was no look on my face,” she denies. It makes me laugh more.
Taking my hand to the back of her head, I let our faces come close. Her breath fans against my lips, and I imagine mine do the same to hers.
We remain like this for a while, our eyes searching through the soul of the other. When I feel like I'm going to combust from the many emotions swirling in her orbs, I sigh.
“I love you, Sarah.”
She smiles against my lips. “Say it again.”
It's my turn to smile. “How about I just show you instead?”
She nods, and then lets our lips brush ever so slightly, yet so beautifully.
I shiver, surprising both of us. She grows bold. Peeking her tongue out, she swirls it over my lips, and I let her have her fun long enough before I snatch her pink flesh and suck it into my mouth.
Soon my hands are roaming over her body, our needs fueling our actions. It isn't until she starts to pull at my shirt that I realize how intense things have become.
Breaking the kiss, I put some space between us.
“I need to go,” I say.
“What? Why? To where?”
I smile.
It's expected that she's asking this many questions. But a lot has happened in the past few hours, and I just need time to process.
“I'll be back before you sleep, I promise. I just need to take this all in.”
The happiness on her face is now gone. Pulling her back to me, I reassure her.
“Sarah, I am not running away, I promise. I just need to process this. Give me an hour, tops, and I'll be back.”
She nods. From her demeanor, I can tell she's not satisfied.
“Tell me what to get for you when I come back. Food?”
“Yes.” She smiles.
“Alright, tell the little angel in there that Daddy's going to feed her and Mommy the best dinner ever tonight,” I say and then kiss her.
I don't let her go until she's giggling. After kissing her cheek one last time, I get down from the bed.
When I'm at the door, I glance back to see her at the edge of the bed, a skeptical look still on her face. It guts me that I put that look on her face. I know the only way to take it away forever would be to come back just like I told her I would.
“I'll be back.” I wink at her. A smile reaches her face, and I open the door.
As I walk to my car, all I can think of is that I need a drink. To celebrate. I can't remember the last time I had a drink to celebrate.
My first stop is going to be at the fire station. I'll share the good news with Richard. I'll probably have to quit my job, which I know he won't like, but I know he'll be happy for me.
A new life is already mapping out in front of me, and I couldn't be happier.
I get the girl, the family, and the money too.
What could go wrong in the world?