Chapter Two
Aaron
Two days earlier
Amber runs her hands down my back as she sits next to me. We’re in my room, watching the newest episode of whatever reality TV show she’s obsessed with this time. I lie on my stomach and stare blankly at the screen, enjoying the press of her fake nails as they glide over my bare skin.
A momentary lapse in time. A brief stop in my reality where I don’t have to do anything, where I don’t have to exist. That is my favorite thing about being with Amber.
She’s been my closest friend for a couple of years now, and very recently, my lover.
We aren’t official, but there’s definitely something there that wasn’t before.
I don’t have to put on a face to make people laugh and entertain the way I do with everyone else at school.
Being popular is great until you realize you’re too insecure to show your true personality to anyone.
What if they don’t like me?
Will I be forgotten?
It shouldn’t matter. It always does.
But Amber, she understands that fear. Understands me.
And she’s kind, and so beautiful. Definitely not what you would imagine from a cheerleader stereotype, but she doesn’t care for all that bullshit.
In the same way I may play soccer, but I also go to the English Literature club twice a week to discuss the classics.
I spend so much of my time smiling and joking around, showing everyone around me just how happy and outgoing I truly am. And God, it is so exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not sad. I love my family and my friends.
I really lucked out with the cards I was dealt in this life.
A nice house. Acceptance. The freedom to be myself, even if I’m too insecure to show it to the kids at school.
But sometimes I get overwhelmed, the way I imagine all teenagers do, and I need to stop.
To stop existing for a minute. Like right now, in this little bubble with Amber, where the world has stopped spinning.
In truth, I analyze everything, and more often than not, I’d rather sit in silence or have a casual conversation than be social. I guess I’m not the perfect contender for popularity—but I crave that too. I can’t help it. I’m selfish.
“Babe,” Amber says quietly, careful not to disturb the atmosphere we’ve created. “Do you want to get snow cones? I’m craving tiger’s blood like nobody’s business.”
I turn to look up at her. Her long hair is pulled into a ponytail, and her tanned skin is glossed with a bit of sweat from the summer heat we can’t escape. Her tank top and shorts hug her body nicely and I bury my face into her stomach, just beneath her breast.
“Sure. Let’s do it.”
She laughs and runs her nails along my scalp, pulling a shiver from me.
I must look ridiculous, wrapping myself around her like a child when I have inches on her, as well as pounds of muscle.
I may be a secret nerd in some respects, but I also work out pretty religiously, and my body definitely reflects that.
“Let’s invite Felix and Benjamin.”
She stands, pushing me onto my back, my head dangling off the bed upside down as I watch her slip on her sandals and grab her purse.
I nod and grab my Vans, slipping them on before heading through the conjoined bathroom to Felix’s room.
I don’t bother knocking; I can hear their laughter from my bedroom.
When I open the door, I find them both on Felix’s bed—Benjamin holding the Nintendo Switch and yelling something about “freaky fields” from where he lies across the foot of the mattress.
Felix leans against the headboard, his legs draped over his friend’s stomach, using an Xbox controller as he laughs and guides his character on the TV in the corner.
“No! Fe, you loot-stealing bitch! I’ll kill you.”
Felix laughs and kicks him. “Worst duo ever.”
Benjamin drops the Switch and starts pinching Felix’s thigh as hard as he can. Felix yelps and kicks harder.
“Boys?” I prompt, leaning against the bathroom doorframe.
They both look at me, not at all concerned or shocked by my appearance.
“Yes?” Felix asks, giggling quietly as Benjamin grins at me over his shoulder, mid-punch.
They look so soft in here, in their own little world. So untouched by everything and everyone around them. I wonder if they’ll stay this way—be like this forever.
“Snow cones?” I shake my wallet, and both of their eyes widen as they scramble to get up, throwing shoes in every direction.
“Where’s my phone?” Benjamin asks in a panic, as though if he doesn’t hurry, I’ll leave him behind and he’ll never have a snow cone again.
I laugh. “Calm down, Button. I’m not going anywhere without you.”
I grab his phone that’s lying on the floor at the end of the bed and toss it to him.
He gives me one of his sun smiles—as I secretly call them.
The ones where both dimples appear, deep and full, and his eyes glow so warm and bright they just might burn a hole straight through you.
The kid doesn’t give them often, and not to sound full of myself or anything, but I’ve only ever seen them given to me.
Amber meets us in Felix’s room, and together we ride in my truck to the snow cone stand.
After ordering and receiving our ice, Amber and I sit at the picnic table set off to the side and watch as Felix and Benjamin sprawl out on the grass next to each other.
They’re laughing about something I can’t quite hear from this distance, and it’s calming to watch them interact.
Felix has always been so animated and happy, so full of energy.
When Benjamin first came around, when he was eight years old, I remember him being reserved and skittish.
Now he’s so full of light and laughter, and I’m sure my baby brother put it there.
There’s some kind of sadness that sits over Benjamin that I can’t place.
No one else says anything about it, so neither do I, but I can see it in the way his eyes will dim, and he’ll zone out into space at random.
Or how he’ll avoid and deflect when asked certain questions.
As if sometimes he’s not here with the rest of us, not fully revealing himself.
I’m certain Felix knows there’s something under the surface, so there must be a reason everyone is staying silent.
“Do you think they’ll start dating?” Amber asks, her lips and tongue a deep red from her snow cone, her eyes fixed on Felix and Benjamin as they shove each other, Felix stealing some of his friend’s ice.
“No. Felix is straight. I caught him watching porn like a week ago when Button went home for a bit, and it was two girls.”
Amber laughs, shaking her head. “Aw, he’s growing up. I mean, he could be bi. They’re so close, alone together every night. And Benjamin is incredibly pretty for a boy. He’s ridiculous-looking for a sixteen-year-old.”
I look back to where the boys sit and focus on Benjamin again. “I think he’s capable of making anyone fall in love with him.” She adds.
Golden hair, a bit messy but endearing. He’s tall and muscular, but still lean, his slim waist contradicting the strength in his arms and chest. Slightly tanned, and every expression he makes seems to brighten what’s around him.
His eyes are hazel—more brown than green—and his lips are full.
Button, the nickname I gave him so many years ago, comes from just that.
His button nose is so perfectly fitted to his face.
Amber is right. Benjamin is very beautiful for a boy.
Felix is a good-looking kid, too. He looks like a different brand of me—all pale skin and dark, messy curls. Bright green eyes and a slender frame. Though I do enjoy teasing him about how much muscle I have over him.
But where Felix is good-looking, Benjamin is almost uncomfortably pretty. You can’t help but notice it. When you enter a room he is in, no matter who you are or how well you know him, the first thing you think is, wow, he’s so pretty. It’s distracting. A little ridiculous.
I don’t see the two of them dating, and the thought makes me itch.
No one will ever be good enough for Felix, and the idea of Benjamin being with anybody makes me… I don’t know. But I don’t like it. I guess I’m protective in that way.
“Yeah, he is very pretty,” I mutter, watching as he lies back on the grass, his athletic shorts riding up his thigh almost obscenely. Why they make men’s shorts so much shorter these days, I will never know. Fashion is evil that way.
The skin on his upper thigh is paler than the rest of him, though I know that’ll change when swim season starts, and he spends more time in his uniform.
His chest rises noticeably with each breath, his hair fanned out around him, grazing the grass as he closes his eyes and absorbs the sun like a fucking daisy.
“Babe?” Amber prompts, her hand resting on my bicep.
“Yeah?” I don’t tear my eyes away from where Benjamin lies, still watching as his hand drifts across his stomach, up to his chest, laughing at something Felix is saying.
“Are you okay? I’m sure they’re not together. I was just joking around.”
I turn to look at her then, and she seems concerned. Watching her, I realize she probably thinks I have a problem with my brother being gay—which, news flash, I couldn’t care less. I just don’t want him to be gay with Benjamin, which makes perfect sense.
I force a laugh and a smile that I’m certain she sees right through.
“I’m good. I don’t care either way. Good for them if they are. Ready to go?” I stand to throw my trash away, Amber following behind me. “Ready, boys?” I call, glancing back to where they sit.
Benjamin looks over. Our eyes lock. I feel it throughout my entire body—his gaze, his attention. It feels as if he’s opening me up, as if he’s asking me to touch him. Benjamin looks at me with eyes that tell me he thinks far more of me than I’m probably worth.
I swallow hard.
What the fuck is happening to me?
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