Chapter Four #3
When I wake again it’s dark outside. Dad is nowhere to be seen as I lift my head from the dried blood on the floor.
At least I only have to go down once this time.
Rushing to the bathroom, I wash away as much of the blood as possible, looking over the damage.
Bruises on my jaw—the left side of my face at the temple—and my throat.
My bottom lip is busted, as well as my right eyebrow.
I check my arms and pull my shirt up to see the scattered bruises littering my body.
But nothing is broken and my ribs only feel bruised.
Taking that silent win—I throw on a hoodie and some jeans to cover obvious marks.
Then, I say a quiet goodbye to Mom and slip out the front door.
It’s a bit cooler out now that the sun is gone and I miss the feeling of its warmth.
I have nothing to calm me now, not until I’m looking at Felix.
But even then—with an essay that spells out my childhood scattered all over my body—I doubt I’ll be feeling peace around him for a bit.
I find myself scratching away at my wrist again, reopening the scabs there.
Which if I’m honest—is the least of my worries.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and finally check it as I approach the Archer residence.
9 P.M. I have several messages from Felix—the last asking me to call him since I disappeared.
Sighing, I quietly slip into the front door.
I plan on sneaking up to Felix’s room and finding a way out of his questions, then asking for him to help me cover it all up.
All of that goes to shit when I pass the den and Greg calls out to me.
“Bear. Come sit, son.”
I take a deep breath and steel myself, willing my hands to stop shaking.
I just need to play it off. No biggie. I turn to my right to see Greg and Tina sitting on the couch—Felix on the recliner, Amber sitting on the floor in front of him—and Aaron standing in front of the TV. None of them look happy.
I knew this would happen eventually. I could only insert myself into their family for so long, and they’ve graciously given me eight years. I step down the step that leads into the den and stay standing close to the threshold—as if to leave open a quick escape.
“Listen, Benny Bear—” Tina starts and I see the sadness in Felix’s eyes.
“It’s okay.” I blurt out. I can’t hear it straight up. This kind of rejection from the only people I have in this world—it will crush me. I have to leave on my own terms. “I understand so please don’t say it.” Tina looks around at her party members before tentatively asking—
“You do?”
“Yes.” I swallow thickly. “I really appreciate the space you guys have given me these past years and I’ll never forget that.
I’m very grateful. I understand that everything runs its course.
” I try my best to smile. “I’ll just grab a few things if you don’t mind.
” There’s a silence that lasts one beat, then two. “Or not, I can just go—”
“Button—” Aaron steps toward me, but he gets nothing more out before Felix jumps to his feet.
“No!” I flinch, eyes wide. I’ve never seen him this upset before.
“You don’t understand, Benjamin. I have been trying to figure out how to have this conversation for years and today I finally got the courage and even gathered all the people who love you to help.
And you show up like—like that—” He gestures wildly to me.
“And say you’ll leave? As if you’re a puppy we are tired of fostering? ”
“Well—I—”
“Well, nothing. You can’t leave. I won’t let you. I’ll follow you if I have to. I’ll chain you to my bed.”
We stare at each other for a moment. I’m uncertain of what’s going on, not sure what to say or do next.
“So… you aren’t all gathered to ask me to leave?”
“Son—” Greg stands up on my left and reaches out to place a hand on my shoulder. Before he gets close enough, I flinch away from him, my hand shooting out to keep the distance between us. It’s loud now. It’s so fucking loud again.
“Uh—” After a beat or two I lower my hand—urging my body to stop shaking—for these tears not to spill. My body feels wound so tight I could pop at any moment. Everyone is staring at me like I’m some kind of wounded animal—and I can’t fault them. I’m a coward, I’m weak. I am a wounded animal.
“Benny Bear—” Tina says, not moving, letting Greg slowly sit himself back onto the couch. “Who did this?”
“Did what?” I ask, looking between them all.
Their concerned gazes make my cheeks heat with embarrassment.
I resist the urge to claw at my wrist. I understand now.
It’s an intervention. They’ve figured it out.
Aaron takes a step toward me and I turn sharply, staring at him.
He narrows his eyes at my throat, and I unconsciously place a hand there to cover it. He knows he didn’t do that—right?
“Who beat the shit out of you?” Aaron asks and I startle at the crudeness of his words—the anger laced in them.
“Aaron!” Greg chastises. I feel the shame lick up my spine, the embarrassment of my reality. Eight years I’ve kept it to myself, this dirty little secret. I am falling. Falling so far.
“It’s fine. I was just messing around.”
“Bear,” Felix starts, a warning in his voice.
“Your father?” Amber cuts in and my eyes shoot to her, narrowing as my hands clench into fists so that no one sees how hard they shake. I can feel the Earth crumbling around us—how we’re all going to die.
“What? What the fuck did you just say?” She gulps and looks around for help. I just want it to be quiet.
“It’s just—we know you went home today.” Tina cuts in. Blanching, I step backward. How did they know that? I shake my head, pulling my sleeves down. I don’t look at any of them.
“It’s not a big deal. You guys are being nice to be so concerned about me—but really everything is fine.” Whenever no one speaks, my stomach churns. “I…I just—it was really all my doing. I was acting out and was somewhere I shouldn’t be. He was just trying to help me.”
“Help you?” Felix asks and I wince.
“Yes—to teach me. Fe, it’s fine. I won’t go around when he’s home again. He just came home early this time, that’s all. It’s my fault.” Aaron scoffs from where he stands.
“Fuck this bullshit. This is stupid. Why are we standing here, staring at his fucked-up face and the hand marks on his throat? I bet if I ripped that jacket off it would only get worse.” I wrap my arms around myself, staring at the floor.
“I’m done standing here—there’s no point.
I know where that bastard lives—and I’m going to kill him. ”
“Hey!” Tina jumps up, but I’m in front of Aaron before anyone can move another inch, my hand pressed firmly to his chest. He stares down at me, eyes hard and angry. For the first time—his green eyes that peer back at me are completely frigid—ice cold.
“Aaron,” My voice is strained and a bit shaky, but I stand my ground. I don’t turn away from his gaze or let him bully me into letting him go. “You can’t do that.”
“Like hell I can’t. I’ll—”
“Aaron,” I can feel the tears collecting—pooling in my eyes—yet I refuse to let them fall. “I am begging you. Please don’t. I’m okay—I really am. I won’t go around when he’s home again. He just came home early this time, that’s all. It’s my fault.” Aaron stares at me, unwavering.
Slowly, his hand lifts, and when I don’t flinch away, he rests it over mine that still lays on his chest. I realize that I have been trembling.
His other hand comes up to push my sleeve up and I notice too late that he has my hand trapped—unable to pull my arm away.
He reveals the beginning of another bruise and drops my sleeve—drawing in a deep breath.
Then, he lifts the bottom of my shirt, and I hear a collective gasp.
I don’t have to look. I know what they see.
The bruises shaped like his boots stomped all over me.
I feel hot tears as they run down my face, yet I stare unblinking at where our hands connect on his chest.
“Jesus fuck.” Aaron breathes, hovering over one of the marks then pulling away.
He takes my hand gently and puts it back at my side.
Finally, mustering the courage to look at his face, I notice Aaron won’t even look at me anymore.
He’s staring at my shoes—his jaw clenched—disgust and anger fighting in his eyes.
“Aar—”
“I’m leaving.” He turns and goes upstairs, slamming his bedroom door shut behind him. Amber slowly stands—sniffling—and follows him quietly.
Soundlessly, I sink to the floor. I’m falling—falling so fast and so far, and there’s no ground below to end it—to stop this pain—this shame. I itch at my wrist, only stopping when Felix pulls my fingers away.
“Bear.” I look up at him—take in the pain in his eyes—the confusion and the suffering. I did that, I put that there. “I want to protect you.” I choke out a laugh, but it just sounds like a sob.
“From what? Myself? My dad? It doesn’t matter, Felix. I just need to keep going—move forward. That’s all I have. That’s what she’d want.”
“Who, baby?” Tina asks, coming to sit next to Felix.
“Mom. She’d want me to keep going until I’m free. Until I can free her too. Then, it won’t be so loud anymore. It can be… quiet. I’ll be done.” Felix pulls me into his chest, and I allow myself this last shame—this last selfish act—as I sob against him.
Then I let him take me upstairs to his bathroom and strip me down to clean my wounds.
He doesn’t ask about them in detail—just cries quietly while I stand there, staring at the wall behind him.
At some point I’m slightly aware that Aaron comes in and says something to Felix, but I don’t understand what it is over the pounding in my head.
He walks in front of me—looking down at me—but my gaze doesn’t shift.
I think I might feel the warmth of his hand on my jaw briefly—but then he’s gone and I’m sure I imagined it.
“Bear,” Felix says a bit later as we lay in his bed.
His arms wrapped around me from behind as if he’s scared I’ll run away when he falls asleep.
“Promise me you won’t do something reckless to get away from him.
We can help you. We will always take care of you.
” He squeezes me as tight as he dares around my bruises. “I love you.”
I say nothing as I listen to his breathing until it eventually evens out—and then I allow myself to cry again.