Chapter Fifteen
Aaron
This is the time when you truly learn what time management and self-accountability is. No one is here to make sure you show up, to make sure shit gets done. Luckily for me, I’ve always been the responsible type of guy.
The dorm room isn’t great—two twin beds parallel to each other on either side, with a desk at the foot of it. Two wardrobes are set up against the wall closest to the bathroom.
Our suitemates, the two college kids next door, share the bathroom with us, each of us having our own entrance. It’s small and if you leave the door closed after a hot shower it’ll smell like mold.
But there’s a pretty good student store on the bottom floor, a cafeteria next door, and a whole floor dedicated to study rooms, a gym, a large communal kitchen, and a computer lab. So all in all, it’s not bad.
My dormmate is great—being in the same major as I am, English Literature, we became friends very quickly.
Darian is on UA’s basketball team so he’s taller than me and ridiculously handsome with his cropped brown hair, big brown eyes, and dazzling smile.
I’ve spent several nights putting in my AirPods and pretending I’m asleep as he stumbles home wasted with whichever girl he met that night.
He’s a super nice guy though—very reliable.
He’s the one who introduced me to Kade, another basketball player.
He’s a redhead with a billion freckles and the sweetest little attitude, like a little mouse, even if he is six foot.
Josh is kind of a dick, but not to us so we let it slide most of the time.
Our group picked him up during a party our first semester.
He keeps his long black hair up in a bun most of the time, his sharp features always in a smug smile.
He’s absolutely built, which is kind of wasted on a guy who doesn’t think anyone's good enough to come near him. Then there’s Angie, Josh’s sister, who is the polar opposite of her brother yet somehow his twin.
She’s about half his height, but has his same thick, black curly hair and bright blue eyes.
She’s the mother figure of the group—sassy and loving.
Amber got put on the floor above me but we’re with each other more often than not anyway.
Most of our classes our first year are general education courses, so we snagged most of the same ones.
Her roommate is nice, so we really lucked out there.
Cammie’s a cute little Asian girl with short black hair and a pink stripe down the front.
She’s incredibly fierce for someone so small, and she’s on some kind of boxing team or something.
Needless to say, her and Amber get along great.
Cammie introduced Amber to her best friend Jenna, a heavyset blonde with beautiful brown eyes to rival Darian.
After mingling with our dormmates, we had one big group of friends and a wide range of personalities to hang around.
But in the end, it’s always me and Amber—just like it always has been.
Just like it is now as we stand in the living room of someone's house, another party one of the basketball players threw to celebrate the end of the season. We’re both pretty buzzed and playing the Wingman game. We try to get one of us laid and if we fail, it’s Waffle House and horror movies.
Amber’s long brown hair is curled around her waist, her blue eyes lined in black.
She’s wearing a tiny, sparkly skirt and a top that I’m pretty sure is actually just a lacy bra.
I didn’t do much other than make sure my curls weren’t sticking up to the sky, throwing on blue jeans and a plain black shirt.
The best part of being a gym junkie, about working for as long as I have on building muscle, is no matter what I wear it probably looks good.
The black shirt is a large, but it still stretches tight over my arms and chest and brings attention to my eyes.
I knew all that protein powder was going to come in handy someday.
We’re scouting the crowd, calling out party fouls and eyeing potential targets.
“Oh, she’s hot.” Amber points a manicured nail to a short girl by the kitchen entrance; her body supple and her face very delicate. Nothing inside of me stirs.
“Eh.”
“God, you’re so picky.” Amber rolls her eyes and continues to search.
I’ve been laid twice since coming to UA, and not until the second half of first semester. I was too… hung up. But eventually I moved on and now I’m just like any hot blooded nineteen-year-old guy. All it took was some soul-searching and some consistent distance.
It’s not that I don’t find the women Amber picks out attractive—I do, and I know if they got naked in front of me, I’d get hard and I could fuck them and probably enjoy it.
But I don’t feel that excitement. The thrill I felt before, the all encompassing need that possessed me as I stared down at Benjamin and watched him as he came. Yeah, I’m super moved on.
I spot a biker looking guy who definitely looks older than he should be if he’s at this party, and I know he’s a good target for Amber. She’s the self-destructive type. I can’t stop her, so all I can do is be there for the fall out.
“Him.” I point, and she makes an appreciative sound.
“Alright, A, I’m taking it. Have fun tonight! Go find Darian, okay?” I roll my eyes, shooing her away.
“Alright, alright.” I watch her walk toward her mystery man and drink my beer.
College has been fun. I’m moving on and the world is bigger than me and the things I’ve seen. I take a deep breath and think it again.
My attention is drawn to the back of the room, meeting a pair of brown eyes staring at me from under blonde hair.
He’s smiling at me shyly, drinking from a cup and nodding at whatever the girl next to him is saying.
He’s dressed casually enough that I can’t tell if he’s affiliated with anything or anyone.
I’ve thought about it—trying sex with a different guy.
Finding out if this need in my body had nothing to do with Benjamin and everything to do with him being a man. Honestly, I think I would be relieved.
This guy is giving me bedroom eyes, a smile growing the more I stare back at him. He’s not much shorter than I am, but he’s scrawny—definitely not in sports. He’s handsome enough.
That’s how I end up at his apartment right off campus. I guess he’s at least a sophomore, even if he looks young.
He’s ripping my clothes off, kissing me sloppily. We stumble back to what I assume is his bedroom and he falls back onto his bed, pulling me down on top of him. I stop him when he tries to kiss me again.
“Wait, what’s your name?” He looks confused, like asking for his name is not a prerequisite to fucking.
“Uh, Connor Maccy.” Yeah, I didn’t need to know. The sound of his voice is not very pleasant—incredibly high pitched and entitled. Guess I’ll be in and out. I don’t respond, just put my mouth to his.
I thought fucking a guy for the first time would be revolutionary, a totally new experience—but it isn’t.
Sure, it’s tighter than putting my dick in a vagina, but that was expected.
Other than that, everything is the same.
Only, Connor’s voice is grating and sex with no attachment is always kind of weird for me.
So, when it’s over, I Uber to the dorm and go to bed.
◆◆◆
The next morning, I make my way to Amber’s room. She has no idea I have any interest in branching out sexually and I’m a bit nervous about telling her of my activities from last night. She opens the door for me, mascara everywhere, hair a mess.
“Don’t talk—I’m hungover.” She walks back to her bed and flops down.
I follow, lying down with her. Amber tangles her legs with mine and I rub her temples to help with her headache.
“God, I’m never drinking again. That guy?
Great. I even got his number. But ugh, I feel like I’m dying!
” I chuckle at her moaning. “How was your night?” She mumbles.
I take a deep breath, willing my heart to slow down, my hands not to shake.
“Amber. I have something to tell you.” she sits up when she hears my tone, wincing and putting a hand to her forehead. After a moment she looks down at me.
“What?” Amber looks concerned and full of love, just like she always does. Just like home.
“I… I slept with a guy last night.” Her eyes get so big I think they’ll pop right out.
“You’re serious?” I nod. “Oh my God, Aaron. Was it good? You were totally the top right? You’re not slinging that dick and bottoming, right?
That would be inhumane.” I laugh, grabbing her hand and playing with her fingers—relief flooding me.
I didn’t think she’d judge me. In fact, she’s already told me she’d love me if I was into guys. But it’s still… scary.
“Obviously I was the top. And it was… well it was sex. It felt good and just like the other hookups I’ve had since we got here, I got up and left when we were done.” She raises a brow.
“But?”
“I was hoping that it would be different. That it would explain why things with…” I stop talking and her eyes brighten with awareness. She smooths my hair back with her free hand.
“Ah. Aaron, I think we both know that it has nothing to do with him being a man, and everything to do with him being Bear.” I shut my eyes at the sound of his name, trying not to feel it in the very pits of my bones, the depth of my soul. “I think you were in love with him, A.”
My eyes shoot back open. I stare at Amber for a long moment, the honesty in her face, thinking about it and trying to digest it. I think of Benjamin—of everything that’s happened, of holding him, my hands on him, his laugh.
“Yeah.” Is all I say. We sit like this, in silence, for a long time before she speaks again.
“Well anyway, are you telling people, or is it a secret?”
“Eh, I don’t really care who knows. It’ll get out eventually either way.”
“That’s true. Who was it? That you fucked last night?” I shrug.
“I didn’t know him personally. His name was Connor Maccy.”