Chapter Twenty One
Aaron
The sun shines on Benjamin’s hair, making him glow like a little drop of sunlight poured just for me. He’s curled up in my arms, still fast asleep, breath even and lips slightly parted. I study his face—the soft skin of his cheeks and the occasional flutter of his eyelashes mid-dream. He’s perfect.
Last night was fucking insane. I’ve never seen that side of him before. I thought that the angry, manic Benjamin we saw after the market incident was the worst of it—and I was wrong. I have a sleeping kitten and a bandage on my side to prove it.
Said kitten shifts against me, wrapping a hand around my bicep while he snoozes on. He’s naked, but that little button lays stuck between us, hanging on its chain.
I want to know what’s pulling him under. What memories are making him believe this stupid cycle of emotions he thinks he goes through. He doesn’t know how to feel all of these horrible things at once, so he’s cycling them. Some of them he’s trying so hard to avoid.
I know my mom put him on medicine soon after his last meltdown and he was on house arrest for a while. But I was told he’d gotten a lot better. He looked like he was better. The way he’d act—talk, smile.
I guess that’s how it is though. Sometimes they’re that good at hiding.
Fuck—I wish he’d let me in, let me try to help him.
Drew’s stupid. Dumping Benjamin is a fucking crazy thing to do and I know he’ll come running back.
But Benjamin said he never loved him. That stands for something, right? Not that he loves me either.
“I think I would have loved you forever. But you made it so clear that you’d never be able to love me back, so I buried it. I protected myself.”
I wanted to throw up—to scream. I did love you!
I do love you! He’s right. We should have said fuck it to the boundaries.
Fuck the year-and-a-half age gap. Felix loves Benjamin more than he loves his own brother, so he would have come around.
And there’s no point in worrying about him losing his safe place when I know I’d never leave him.
But I was a kid—I was dumb. Even until recently I was a dumb kid. I just wanted to protect him. Instead, I ripped up our story, and we both suffered for it. And he doesn’t love me anymore. I guess that’s the repercussion of my own actions.
“Aaron?” His voice is so small—so raw from the sobbing and the screaming.
I look down at him in my arms, wrapping myself tighter around him.
He’ll leave now. How can I get him to stay?
I run my fingers up his back, feeling his shiver as I shove my face into his hair.
That familiar citrus crashing over me. Adding in the smell of my body soap and he’s a wet dream.
“Good morning.” I greet him. He’s still staring up at me, so I meet his gaze.
“I’m sorry, Aaron. I’m really sorry.” God—he looks miserable.
“I’m not.”
“What? Why?” The hand on my bicep tightens and I wonder if he even knows it’s there.
“I want to be the person you go to when things are hard. I enjoy taking care of you. Of all the years you’ve known me—when have I ever not jumped at the chance to take care of you?
” Benjamin blushes and shoves his face into my chest. I pull him tighter against me, feeling our bodies completely flush against each other. “Please let me.”
“Okay.” He says it so softly—like he’s scared of what he’s agreeing to, what he’s allowing. “Aaron?” He peers up at me again and his eyes slowly get bigger and bigger the more we wake, a very interesting and entrancing sight.
“Hm?”
“Why are you so nice to me?” Oh, fuck. “I know we’ve known each other forever but that only goes so far.
This is… this is more than that, I think.
” The hand that was once on my bicep has moved to my neck—tugging on the longer pieces of hair that he can reach off the back of my head.
His face is so sweet and so pure. I want to kiss him—I want to lick inside his mouth until all he can taste is me.
“Go for a ride with me.” I deflect. His eyes widen.
“What?!”
“Go for a ride with me. On my bike.” Benjamin laughs a little—eyes sparkling as the sun sits higher and higher in the sky.
“Wait—are you serious? Do you even know how to drive with—OW! Aaron! No pinching.” I give a fake glare and rub his hip where I pinched.
“Very rude to assume I don’t know my own bike.” He rolls his eyes, looking down at my chest and letting those gears turn in that pretty little head. I’ve been doing everything in my power to not look at his chest and I’ve succeeded so far, but it’s harder when he’s awake.
“Okay.” He decides. “Take me for a ride.” I grin down at him, and he flushes an even darker shade of red… “Oh boy.”
An hour later we’re standing by my bike in the parking lot.
First—we had to eat. Benjamin was doing nothing without breakfast. Then eggs and toast later—we had to find clothes that were suitable to ride in as his were definitely not. Then we had to get ready and actually get the guy out the door.
So now we’re standing here—Benjamin in one of my plain black shirts and a pair of black cargo pants. He looks like a cute little spy—or an assassin.
“Come oooooon!” Okay, so not an assassin. I put on a random shirt and a pair of blue jeans so I’m not as impressive in the roleplay department.
I throw a leg over my bike and kick up the stand, walking it backward out of the tight spot I keep it in to prevent people from hitting it. Once I’m out I motion for Benjamin to come to me. I hold out my helmet.
“What? Then what will you wear?” I give him a smile, shaking my head.
“I’ll be okay.”
“Fuck no!” He yells, shoving the helmet back at me. I snatch his hip into my hand and pull him close to me.
“Fuck yes. Ready?” It’s a command—not a question—and I’m realizing whether I’m fucking him or not it’s best for both of us when I wear my big-boy pants and guide him like a very horny, corrupt mentor. Swallowing roughly, he reluctantly takes the helmet from my hands.
As he’s taking it, a thought occurs to me and I point to the little blue bird on the side—the one I’ve stared at a million times. “This bird.” His face flushes.
“What about it?” Benjamin won’t meet my eyes, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth and fidgeting with the small strap inside of the helmet.
“Don’t act coy. Why this bird?” I already know. But the masochistic part of me needs him to say it—needs to know if he loved me when he did it. He takes a deep breath, meeting my eyes.
“They’re protector birds.” He’s mumbling and honestly kind of glaring at me like a spoiled kid giving a speech at school. “Possessive and territorial. They also symbolize happiness.” He shrugs—playing off the whole thing as if he got me a card with some cash in it.
“Benjamin.” Eyes can lie—I know—but his really do look honest, and right now he’s so vulnerable and hopeful. “Did you love me when you did this?” I tap the bird again. He looks down at it, brow furrowed.
“Yeah—I think I did, but I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I hated you so much but needed you around anyway.
I did a lot of weird shit that makes sense to me now.
” He laughs, lifting his eyes back to mine.
I rub his hip with my thumb—waiting for his expression to change, for those eyes to close themselves off and hide away.
“You’ve called me your little blue bird a few times now.” He flinches.
“Aaron…. This is really embarrassing.” That makes me laugh and Benjamin glares at me some more.
“Get on the bike, Button.”
He puts his helmet on—lets me check the straps—then swings a leg over, settling in behind me. When the bike fires up, he jumps, arms flying out to wrap around me. Cute.
“Where are we going?” He raises his voice so I can hear him over the engine.
“Let’s just drive.” I look down and behind me at both of his feet—making sure they’re on the appropriate pegs—then grab his calf in my hand. “Lean onto me—never fully let me go—and wherever I move, you move. Cool?”
Peering over my shoulder at him—Benjamin has the clear visor on the front of the helmet raised to hear me better—his eyes a little panicked. I know he’ll calm once we get going, but I have to make sure he understands me.
I twist around as best as I can while on a crotch rocket and touch his stomach.
“Hey. If you’re scared, pinch me twice. Hard. I’ll pull over, I promise.” He nods. “You’ll have fun, Button. Trust me.” Benjamin lowers the visor, so I turn around, leaning forward slightly to settle into my seat.
I feel the hot press of his chest and his hands clasp at my belly button—my helmet resting on the back of my shoulder. Benjamin is pressed so tightly against me you’d think he’s trying to morph into a backpack.
I walk us a few steps, letting him register the movement. When I see no pinching going down, I rest a hand over his clasped ones in an attempt to bring him any sort of comfort and pull out onto the main street.
A few minutes into the ride I feel him relaxing against me—thighs untensing, his upper body leaning back a bit so he can look around as the world zips by. I let his hands free—let them spread over my stomach. His hips are still firmly pressed against me—which is only driving me a little crazy.
Benjamin removes his right hand, which makes me grab the left. What the fuck is he doing?
Next to us in the harsh wind he makes waves with his arm, and I swear I hear him laugh. I don’t know what causes him all this pain—what keeps him so tormented. But if I can keep him alive—if I can help even just a bit with my useless antics—I’ll give him everything in my arsenal.
I’m doing something right.