Chapter Twenty Seven #2
I pull his jacket off of him and sit down on his bed.
Benjamin comes to me—I don’t have to ask.
Hand on my shoulder he watches me undo his little gold pants.
As I pull them down, I feel his fingers move to my cheek.
Looking up at him I let him step out of each leg.
He’s looking down at me like he loves me and if this was any other day in any other lifetime I would kiss his chest—his stomach, his hips, and tell him that I love him too.
I’d lay him down and push my way into him and stay there.
Fall asleep deep inside—connected as one.
But the night is this one and this lifetime will last for eternity.
I hold his arm and start taking off his bracelets. Then when I’m done, I move to the left side. When my fingers start to grip the beads and leather straps that go mostly up his forearm, he rips his arm away from my grip.
“Benjamin?” His eyes are wide—cradling his arm to his chest.
“I’ll sleep with them.” He says, breathing harshly. I hear his voice in my head—can see him sobbing beneath me.
“It’s at this stage where it’s most likely to happen. I’m most likely to die. My wrists itch so bad.”
Oh fuck. It was this one—wasn’t it? Two years ago, when he slit his wrist after Ronnie attacked him and Drew—it was this one. I snatch his arm back. Pure fear and panic are driving me, nothing else matters. If I’m wrong, then he can hate me more.
“Aaron—no. Stop!” He’s pulling away from me, punching me as hard as he can with his right fist, screaming at me. I let him. I take in every blow and do my best to rip the bracelets off as gently as possible, wrapping a leg around his to stop him from stepping back.
It’s bad. His wrist is sliced to hell. Any way he could have—he’s cut. Some are older and some are still actively irritated and bleeding slightly. I can’t even tell what he’s used to do it—his arm is so fucked up and raw. He’ll never get rid of these scars.
Benjamin’s still punching me, so I wrap an arm around his waist and let the wrist in my hand go. He pulls it to his chest, as if hiding it now will help.
“Horrible! Mean! Liar!” He’s crying so hard—like I’ve uncovered some part of him that no one was ever meant to see. Like I betrayed him. “I’m such an idiot. Every time I let you near me, I end up like this. I fucking hate you, Aaron. I fucking hate you.”
He’s screaming and sobbing like he wants me to die, but he’s crawling into my lap—shoving his face into my neck, holding around my shoulders so tight—like I might try and pull him off.
I’m rubbing his back and scratching my nails through his hair. Listening to every cry and curse. Whispering in his ear I tell him he’s safe—and I have him, and he can be weak now. I’ll stay and make sure no one comes.
Benjamin eventually calms down—resting in my lap taking deep, shaky breaths. I can feel his cold lips against my neck. After some time I ask—
“Why didn’t you ask for help? Where has Drew been all this time?” He’s such a shit fucking boyfriend. I’ll beat his ass for real this time. No more letting him off easy for Benjamin’s sake. He already hates me anyway.
Benjamin raises his tired, tear-soaked face to look at me—brow furrowed.
“You… you don’t know?” I can feel my heart sinking for the millionth time tonight. I shake my head. “We’re done.”
“What? Why?” A sour, sad smile twists over Benjamin’s mouth and I know whatever it is—Drew is not safe.
“He was cheating on me. Has been since we got together.”
“What?!” He sighs, dropping his eyes to watch as he runs his fingertips over my neck.
“Yeah. He went home to see his mom about two months ago and I wasn’t doing well so I made a surprise visit to see them. It used to make me happy to be there… I thought it would help. And he’d be happy.” His gaze is distant and sad.
“What happened when you got there?” I press.
“It was not his mom at home with him. And the girl he was in the middle of fucking had no clue he was into guys at all. She was really upset—they’d been together since 2015, apparently.
I guess she went to school in West Brooke.
And all of those family trips to his grandparents?
Dinners with mom? Bullshit. It was Sydney. ” He laughs—a sad, cold laugh.
He continues—
“I should have been a bit more suspicious when his mom never treated me like her son’s boyfriend.
She treated me more like how Tina treated me in the beginning of my and Fe’s friendship.
And I hated myself for hurting his feelings.
For hurting him with my words—with my baggage.
He wasn’t even a fucking virgin. He lied.
Every fucking day he lied to me. He even got himself a solo dorm assignment our first year so that no one would see something and rat him out.
I always told him my mistakes. Even when I didn’t have to—I told him.
And when I confronted him—when I asked him how he could do this to me—he said being with me was hard, as if that would make it okay.
Like fucking that girl was fine because I was too scared to be touched. ”
“Benjamin…” He looks up at me—so beautiful, so destroyed.
“His sunlight? So fucking stupid. I spouted bullshit all day about how nice he was—how he wanted me, how he was soft and kind. How he loved me. Guess what, Aaron? When I walked in—he was not fucking her nicely.” My eyes widen. Oh shit.
“You mean—”
“Oh yeah. He had her fucking gagged. And yet he talked so much shit to me about how you didn’t care about me—didn’t respect me.” I notice he’s avoiding saying the love part.
“I’ll kick his ass, Button.” Benjamin laughs, resting his hand on my shoulder.
“Oh well. It’s not like I was shocked. It’s just my luck. We’ll play together for a while and I’ll finish college. And then… Well—who knows.” I can’t believe Felix is allowing him to stay in the band. That’s… yeah—I’ll be talking to him.
I stand up, taking Benjamin with me, turning to lay him in bed. Tucking him in, I sit next to him. He’s staring up at me like he’s wondering why I’m still here.
“Please stop hurting yourself. Please—let me help you. Let me be here.”
For a second—it looks like he’ll say yes. He’ll nod his little head and pull me down to hold him until he falls asleep. That he’ll let me try to fix this. But then Benjamin shakes his head and touches his fingertips to my cheek.
“I’ve heard that line before.” I freeze under his touch. “Who does God turn to for redemption when He answers to no one?”
◆◆◆
The pet shop I work at is normally pretty quiet, so I have plenty of time to dwell over everything that happened the night before. Benjamin fell asleep very soon after telling me there’s no way for me to redeem myself—and I went home after cleaning and wrapping his wrist. To cry.
Drew cheating on Benjamin was not expected.
Drew cheating on Benjamin the entire time they were together is fucking insane.
I remember Felix mentioning something last October about Drew—how he thought he might be hiding something.
Ha—good eye, Fe. How I’m expected to see that motherfucker and not deck him is beyond me.
Benjamin was so upset—so torn up. He can’t catch a break. I’m stuck—so stuck and sick I don’t know what to do. How to help him. I’d give him anything—do anything he asked.
The bell above the door jingles and to my surprise, Kayla walks in.
“Hey,” I greet, catching her attention. “What are you doing here?”
“We need cat food. I didn’t know you worked here.” She gives me a smile; her long ginger hair twisted into a braided crown.
“Yeah—since last month.” Kayla nods and goes to grab her cat food. When she returns, I clear my throat, ringing her up. “So—how are the boys?” I’m trying to sound casual, but I think she might see right through me.
“Felix is good—classes are fine and he’s loving the band.
” She pauses for a moment and studies me.
“Listen—I was told to let you figure it out on your own but all three of you boys are frustratingly hopeless. Felix is worried about Bear. If he’s not in class he’s getting stoned or drunk and he fucks someone new every night.
Fe doesn’t know what to do—he can’t push him too hard. ”
“Oh…” Damn. I didn’t know it was that bad. He’s smoking pot? Sleeping around? Fuck. Isn’t he scared of being touched?
“Talk to Felix. Get him to open up. Or better yet—go see Bear and tell him you love him.” I’m no longer surprised when people call me out on it—it’s obvious and it’s true.
I’m more surprised that my friends haven’t caught on and called bullshit.
I feel a hot guilt when thinking of our little group—sad for how caught in the middle they must feel.
“He wouldn’t believe me even if I did. He’d just push me further away.” I finally say.
“Maybe.” Kayla shrugs. “But someone has to do something before Bear smokes and fucks himself into an earlier grave. See you later, Bub.” Kayla grabs her receipt and her cat food and leaves the store.
It doesn’t take long for Kayla’s words to get to me—so I call Felix ten minutes later when the shop is still dead.
“You’ve reached Fe—what’s up Bub?”
“Hey. Let’s talk.” The line is quiet for a moment.
“Okay. Is it about Bear?” Sighing—I sit back on the stool behind the checkout counter—rubbing my forehead with my hand.
“Yeah. I need you to tell me what’s going on, Felix.”
“Why can’t you ask him, Aaron?”
“Do you really think he’s going to tell me? Do you think if I walked up to him and asked him, he would tell me the truth and not laugh in my face?” I hate how desperate I sound—how scared.
“He’s not doing good.” Felix finally gives in. “His depression is pretty bad again and he’s almost never sober. He only smokes and drinks so I haven’t tried an intervention again or anything—but I think I get sober Bear once a week. And he…” I know what he wants to say. He doesn’t want to hurt me.
“Tell me.”
“He’s always bringing some new guy home.
I don’t know if he thinks that he’s healing by doing it—or maybe he’s torturing himself—I don’t know.
But they’re not all very nice and he’s never happy when they’re done.
And he won’t go near women. I saw a girl try to slip her number into his pocket on campus the other day and he came home and cried.
” My hands are sweating and the room is suddenly too small.
I don’t know what to do—how to handle this.
“What do we do?”
“I don’t know. But I think… I think he was really in love with you.
And now he’s completely convinced you never wanted him—never loved him.
That everything was a lie.” I take a deep breath, try not to cry.
“Aaron… you should tell him. Even if you think he won’t believe you—you should tell him. Make him listen to the whole story.”
“I don’t know if it’ll help. He hates me.” Felix sighs, clearly over this entire conversation.
“Are you stupid, Bub? He doesn’t actually hate you. Listen—sometimes when he has night terrors, he wakes up calling for you. Like some part of him just figured you’d be there to fix it—to make it stop.”
I can’t stop the tears, the ache I feel from the reality of it. I crushed him. Someone who loved me that much. We’ve passed by each other so many times now—been stuck in this endless cycle of hurt and longing.
“Come to our show tonight. Come talk to him. Please.”
“Okay.” I agree—because what else can I say?
Benjamin once said that if I had loved him back it would have made a really great story. But it didn’t. It made for a sick, fucked-up reality. And I guess I have to show him that.