Chapter Twenty Nine #2
He pulls out in one slow motion and thrusts back in. I cry out—hearing his cooing sounds against my skin.
“I know, Button—I know. It’s okay. It’s just me.” And that makes me cry harder because yeah—it is just him. The only safe person left. My one person.
“Aaron.” I whisper, trying to tell him. I want him to know—I want him to know tonight, before the sun comes up and things fall apart.
“I’ve got you, I’m right here. Nothing will hurt you. I’ll burn this whole fucking city down, Benjamin. I won’t let them hurt you anymore.”
Behind my eyes I see every time Aaron has touched me. Every time our eyes have met—every time he’s torn me apart but then put me back together again. If I could stay with him like this forever—I would.
But I’m no good. I know I’m not.
“Aaron—I love you. I love you so much.” He moans into my ear, arm sliding under me, up my back, over my shoulder to pull me down—push into me deeper and deeper. His other hand slides between us, finding his favorite little spot between my hips, pushing down on it. I’m screaming, arching into him.
“Oh God—oh God, oh God.” He’s calling out, pushing into me over and over. It feels like he’s trying to get inside of me and stay there. To make us one forever. It’s so fucking sensual—so intimate.
Our bodies are stuck together with sweat, and he won’t give me an inch of space—just completely pressed to me—thrusting and thrusting.
“I can feel myself here.” He says, lifting his head to look me in the eyes. “Benjamin—I can feel myself here.” He presses harder, pulling a whimper from me. I’m close. “Can I flip you?”
Startled by the change in direction I just nod—letting him pull out of me and lay me on my stomach. He doesn’t put me on my knees.
Aaron slides his hands under my arms and over my shoulders—laying his body on top of mine, pushing back into me.
“Aaron—God, that’s different. Oh fuck.” He’s touching me in different spots now—so fucking deep inside of me.
“Button—listen to me. Can I bite you?” I groan—nodding my head yes—always, every time. “I’m claiming you for real this time. One last scar.” It feels like we’re mating. Like we’re two lions in the wild and Aaron is in a rut—needing to mate and I’m the only female around.
He pumps into me repeatedly and with a slight change of angle—he hits my prostate.
“Aaron—fuck me—there, there.” He groans against me, thrusting into me, talking into my ear like I need his words to come.
“Come for me, baby. Seal this—make yourself mine for good. I’m never letting you go. Ah, fuck, baby—fuck—you feel so good.”
“Hnghh, please. Harder.”
“Anything for you—anything forever. I love you, Benjamin.”
My vision blurs and I come. I can’t breathe so I’m just choking—twitching, whining. Aaron feels it—fucks me through it, keeps fucking me even when I stop coming and the orgasm just doesn’t fucking stop.
“All mine, all mine—yeah, aw fuck—I’m gonna come. Please—fuck.” I don’t know what he’s asking for but I feel him growing more and more chaotic—feel his frenzy and it’s so overwhelming—so entirely Aaron that I want to eat him. I want to tell him again.
“I love you, Aaron.”
In a flash of searing white-hot pain Aaron latches onto the nape of my neck—sinking his teeth in so deep I think he’ll take a chunk out of me.
He’s slamming into me, groaning and groaning, a hand moving to the top of my head to keep me here—to keep me with him.
His mouth unlatches from my neck and he’s still thrusting.
“Fuck—so good—you feel so good it just won’t stop.” He whines—moving his hands to my hips, holding onto me. I can feel his tears falling onto my back. I wish I could hold him.
“It’s okay, Aaron.” I tell him—but I can’t see him, so I don’t know if it helps. “It’s okay, baby.” He whines once more and stills. After a few beats he pulls out, immediately covering my hole to keep the come inside.
I can feel the tremors moving through him—the sweat and tears dripping off of his body onto mine, the force of each breath. He’s just used every ounce of his energy and claimed me in a way that only a wild animal could have. He has made me his in the most effective, permanent way he knows how to.
I was already so undeniably devoted to him before—this new scar will only remind me of that devotion. It will remind me of the time Aaron loved me with everything he had. Every breath he took.
“You’re bleeding, I’m sorry.” He says and he sounds exhausted. “I think I got carried away again.” He’s embarrassed. I still can’t see him.
“I like it.” I say. “If you bandage it for me, I’ll forget all about the pain.” Aaron laughs, moving his finger and allowing his come to drip out of me. He goes to wash his hands.
As we sit in the bathroom a few minutes later, he cleans my neck gently. It stings and I can tell it’ll take a while to heal.
“This will definitely scar. It should cover the two small marks from before.” He says—pressing kisses around it like he’s making offerings. I feel him lay the bandage down.
“Then everyone will know.” Is my only response. He pushes my chest back so that I lean back against him.
“Sleep with me tonight.” I peer up at him, and his eyes are so scared—so full of love and desperation.
“Where else would I go?” I ask him—to which he kisses me. Slow and sweet and then deep and tense like he’s giving me another secret—making another confession.
We lay down and he holds me from behind so tightly that I struggle to breathe. Aaron keeps kissing my hair and my shoulders and the bandage.
I can practically feel the anxiety—the panic surging off of him. It tells me everything I need to know. That we both know what comes tomorrow. I never thought that I’d have something to miss so fiercely when I left this world.
But I will. I’ll miss him more than I’ll miss breathing—more than I’ll miss the sun or having a physical body to move through the open air.
If I could come back to this lifetime as someone new—if I could come back to this Aaron as a good Benjamin—I’d pay any price, make any promise, send every prayer.
If I had known knowing me would damn him to this sorrow, I would have killed myself before we ever met. But now I’m wrapped up in his arms, and he’s wrapped up in this hell I’ve been born into.
How can I say goodbye without saying it? How can I let my little blue bird go without accidentally clipping a wing?
It doesn’t matter anyway—I feel his breathing—so gentle and sweet, and he’s asleep. No goodbyes necessary.
I want to look at him again before I go. I want to kiss him one last time—to take in his face and watch the peace unfold. To know that’s what I’m leaving behind for him. A chance at peace.
But I don’t want to wake him. So—I lay here for a bit longer and slip out the front door.
◆◆◆
Bright and early the next morning I’m banging on Mad Dog’s door. He isn’t very happy with me—but he’s happy with money.
“What do you need?” We walk into his living room.
“Something strong. I don’t care what.” He’s laughing.
“Okay, well we just got this. It’s some kind of blend but the guys say it’s tough as shit and they fly when they take it.” He holds out a baggie with a couple red pills inside.
“How much?”
◆◆◆
It’s 6 P.M. when I sneak into my own apartment. I spent a lot of time today trying to clear my head. I need to get through the next two years—get Mom’s ashes, and then I’ll be done. I’ll be leaving. I don’t care how and I don’t care who tries to stop me.
That’s why I had to leave Aaron. I don’t want him to hurt—to see it all. I’ll leave Felix too when the lease is up.
I take two of the red pills. I haven’t eaten today.
I miss him. I know he hates me now. I know he must. I touch the bandage—feel the depth of his love in the wounds on my flesh. I’ll take all of his inflictions—all of his scars to the grave. I’ll devote my love to him until the day I die.
Aaron, I will never love someone else—this is true. I never lied about that. Your hands will be the last to pull me apart—your voice the last to whisper in my ear. You made love to me and now I can die with that engraved into my soul. That somebody loved me enough to do it.
An hour later and something’s wrong. I can’t tell what, but something is wrong. I run to the bathroom—try to shove my fingers down my throat, but I’m too late. The dizziness is in and out. I can feel my skin freeze over—shining with sweat. And I know—I know before I fall.
I’m dying right here in my bathroom. Well fuck. This wasn’t the plan but honestly, I’m kind of relieved. No more waiting—it’s here. I didn’t get to save Mom, but it is what it is. I’m choking but I’m not sure on what and I feel so weak. I can hear the front door.
I finally feel the panic. No—no, no—Felix—go the other way. Don’t see this. Please.
I should have shut the bathroom door. I’m convulsing.
“Bear? Are you ho—what the—BEAR?! FUCK. HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” He runs to me.
I’m in and out. Can’t he just leave me be?
“Yes—I found them—they’re red. Okay. Thank you.
” He’s sobbing over me—he’s holding the combo drug.
When did he find those? “Please, Bear. Please don’t die.
” I can’t promise you that, Fe. You knew this was coming.
“Aaron—Aaron please. He’s dying! Bear’s dying right in front of me! Help me!” I think he’s on the phone. I can hear sirens—I can really only move my eyes, just like that night at the party. Huh.
But my mind is surprisingly calm. Why did he call Aaron? I didn’t want him to see. Neither of them.
Someone is injecting me with something—there are so many lights, everything is quiet. I’m ready to go. I’m sorry Felix—I couldn’t say goodbye.
◆◆◆
When I open my eyes it hurts, so I shut them again. I can hear the beeping of electric monitors, so I imagine I’m in the hospital. It also smells like a fucking hospital in here. I try to open my eyes again.
The ceiling tiles are ugly to look at but they’re better than whatever’s waiting for me when I address the rest of the room.
I’m not sure who’s there but I know I don’t want to see them.
I want to die. I was so close, it was so peaceful.
Even when I was cold, even when I was convulsing.
Now that I’ve gotten so close—two years is too long.
I’m scared Felix is here. I keep seeing his face—that terror. Hearing the screams.
I look around the room. Sure enough—Felix, Amber, and Aaron are all here. Felix notices my eyes first.
“BEAR!” He’s running to me—laying on top of me and I huff—trying to breathe. “Sorry, sorry.” He’s sniffling, moving to lean over me. “I was so scared, Bear—you were dying. You looked dead when they took you from me. It’s been two days.” I say nothing, do nothing.
What is there to say, what is there to do?
“Hey—Cutie—what the fuck is your problem?” It’s Amber and she’s mad. Good—that’s better than pity.
“Amber.” Felix warns.
“No. You keep doing stupid shit and hurting the people around you. Grow the fuck up. We can’t take care of you forever. Get over your boyfriend or—”
“Get the fuck out! Now!” Aaron’s standing—pointing to the door. “If all you’re going to do is shit-talk him then why the fuck are you here? Shut up or leave, Amber, I swear to God.” Nobody moves. Amber’s eyes are full of tears as she slowly sits back down, closing her mouth.
I look back up at the ceiling.
“Please talk to me.” Felix pleads, staring down at me. “I need to know you’re okay.” I can’t seem to open my mouth. I can’t lie to him.
“Button… baby?” I sit up—or well—my body reacts to Aaron’s voice and I sit up.
Felix jumps back and my eyes seek Aaron out.
He’s moved to sit at the right side of my bed, and I look at him.
At his fucked-up hair—his red eyes, his bloody knuckles.
I reach out a finger and touch one of them where they sit on the bed next to me.
“Are you okay? What happened? Why did you leave my apartment?” The straight agony must show on my face in response to his question, because his expression changes to one of panic. “Button—it’s okay, we—”
“Aaron.” My voice is raw and seems to startle him. He leans in closer—just a bit.
“What? What can I do for you?”
Silly little blue bird. My beautiful little blue bird. I can feel the tears as they gather. I can feel the sad smile as it takes hold of my mouth.
“You should have let me die.” I lay back down so I don’t have to see his face.
He’s not there when Tina and Greg admit me. Neither is Felix.