Chapter Thirty Five
Aaron
His face—tear-soaked and terrified, hazel eyes wide as that woman held his head up. The socks jammed into his mouth. I throw up—not able to keep a damn thing down. Those cries—those fucking cries.
“Aaron—help me!”
The fear when that nurse reached for him and the first thing he did was scream for me.
As soon as he was getting the feeling back in his body, he wrapped his fingers around mine and didn’t let go.
Not once. Benjamin kept staring at me—waiting for me to tell him again.
It’s okay, you’re okay—I’ve got you, I’m here.
He called me so many times. He called for help—tried so hard. I talked so much shit about Drew and how he let this happen to Benjamin when he was with him, so certain nothing like that would ever happen when he’s with me. I was wrong. I’m not the man I thought I was.
The fear upon seeing the missed calls. Running around the house searching for him. The rage I felt for her—convinced I’d finally see the day I hit a woman.
Fuck—Benjamin on that bed—exposed to the world, terrified. I heave into the toilet again.
“AARON! Aaron!” Benjamin is screaming. I sprint back to the bedroom to find him on his knees in the center of the bed. He must have woken up and I wasn’t there. We’ve only been home for a few hours and its night again. They did the rape kit. We made statements. Now we wait.
“I’m right here—I’m here. I was in the bathroom.” I hold his face, sitting in front of him. He holds my wrists—sobbing.
“Aaron—please listen—I didn’t—” He’s trying to speak around each broken sob. “I didn’t like it. I didn’t want—ugh,” He gags over the force of his own cries. “I didn’t want to get hard. I promise. Please—please understand.”
“Hey—hey—look at me right now.” Benjamin looks into my eyes—panicked and uncertain.
“I would never leave you for something that wasn’t your fault—something so horrible.
You couldn’t stop what happened or how your body reacted.
I love you just as much as I did the day before, I trust you just as much.
” He collapses forward, straight into me.
“I could see her face. Now she’s in my dreams too.
Laughing at me—just like she did last time.
” He picks his head up to look at me again.
“Aaron—do I have to live with this now? I can’t do it all…
I can’t… I can’t handle everything. Please take it away.
Aaron—fix it. You always fix it.” He climbs into my lap—desperately clinging to me.
“You make it safe—please help me.” He’s pleading with me, like a last resort.
Like he wants to keep on living this happy life for me and he can’t anymore—not like this.
“Baby—I—I don’t know how to take away the pain or the memories.
” He wails again—shattering me into pieces because I really can’t fix it this time.
“But I’m here and I always will be. You can tell me when it’s too much and I’ll hold you, okay?
I’ll listen. I’ll protect you; I won’t fail you again, Benjamin. I swear it—on my life. I love you.”
Benjamin pulls back and kisses my mouth so softly—so innocently. Closed mouth and minimal pressure. His tears mix with mine.
“Please—please hold me now.”
I lay him down and let him curl up at my side. Then—I wrap myself around him until he feels protected—shielded, and he falls into more fitful sleep.
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Benjamin seems to be regressing. He’s startled more and more and won’t leave the house now.
With the damning evidence, Miss. I’ll-Never-Get-Caught has been arrested—now awaiting sentencing.
Yet Benjamin still won’t leave the house.
He has a hard time eating all three meals and spends most of the day staring at me—asking me if he’s damaged now—crying.
My heart is broken, my soul mourning for him.
Felix is here now—trying to visit and cheer him up.
“I brought pizza!” Felix yells, holding it up to Benjamin who sits on the couch.
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” He says, offering a small, fake smile.
“Bear… It’s not good being locked up in here. Let’s go to a karaoke room or something!” He looks away from Felix—back to the TV that plays nothing.
“He isn’t getting better?” Felix asks me quietly. I shake my head. “Let me try. He always loved when I held him after stuff with his dad.”
“Ah Fe—I don’t…” But he’s walking away, already approaching where Benjamin sits.
“How about some cuddles, Bear?” He leans down to wrap his arms around his shoulders. I see the moment Benjamin realizes what’s happening. He springs up—climbing onto the back of the couch, leaning against the wall.
“Aaron—Aaron please.” He’s crying again. I’m over there in a flash—moving Felix to the side and putting a hand out for him.
“I’m right here, Button. It’s okay, it was too soon. Another time, yeah?” He grasps my hand quickly and climbs down—standing on the seat of the couch, leaning over to cry into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry—” he’s saying, trying to get it out through broken sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
An hour later I’m sitting on the couch with Benjamin asleep in my lap—face shoved into my neck. Felix sits a respectable distance away.
“So… he doesn’t like anyone touching him. Not just women.” Felix states—a bit hurt but mostly extremely concerned.
“Yeah. It started a few days after we got home and now he pretty much only lets me touch him.” He looks over at the sleeping boy in my lap and sighs.
“That’s not healthy.”
“He knows. We talked about working on it. It’s just…
hard. And I’m not really sure what to do.
” If I’m completely honest, I spend most of the time Benjamin’s asleep throwing up or calling resource centers.
Nothing has really helped—other than finding trigger phrases or words to de-trigger him.
I’ve learned that Benjamin’s are as listed: Button, I’m here, baby, I love you—and weirdly enough—come here.
“Have you considered readmitting him?” My arms tighten on reflex around him. “You have to let go of him if he needs help, Bub.”
“No—I…I don’t want him to feel abandoned. If they rip him away from me right now, he’ll freak the fuck out—I… I can’t leave him to suffer without me.” Felix watches me for a moment—considering my words before nodding with that sad, sympathetic frown.
“Okay, whatever’s best.”
Two days later, I can’t get Benjamin to eat. It’s 5 P.M. and he’s had water.
“I’m not hungry, Aaron.” He says, laying down on our bed, my shirt rolled up and held against his chest.
“I know—but you have to eat to live. Please eat something.” He looks at me where I stand over him and shakes his head. “Benjamin.” I’m using my stern voice. “You have to eat. I will not let you die.”
And now I’ve made him cry.
“I’m sorry—” He’s sitting up in bed. “I’m sorry. I’ll eat. I’ll eat maybe some crackers, okay?”
“Aw, baby don’t cry—please. I’m not mad.
I’m worried.” I sit next to him and let him shove his face back into my neck—where he always wants to be lately.
“Here—let’s get some crackers then we can lay in bed, and I’ll tell you about more crazy stuff me and Amber did senior year.
” Benjamin sniffles against me, nodding.
“Okay…”
He eats six saltines and as I’m laying back into bed with him—watching him wither away—I consider Felix’s suggestion for the first time.
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It’s been a month since being discharged from the hospital and Benjamin has stopped speaking. When I woke up this morning, I thought he was just having a rough start, but it’s becoming apparent that is not the case.
“Button—talk to me—please.” I plead with him, holding his hand as he sits on the couch. He stares back at me, so much pain on his face. “Baby—come on. One word.”
All he does is shower, brush his teeth and sleep. I’m lucky if he eats more than some crackers and drinks some milk after some convincing. He doesn’t want anyone in the house—doesn’t want to leave.
That girl—Cameron Yuinez—was sentenced to five years. Benjamin did not react to the news at all.
“Benjamin. Talk to me.” I try my serious voice—I’ll try anything.
A few tears roll down his cheeks, and he lays down right there on the couch.
Says nothing. Sighing, I pick him up and take him to bed—laying there with him.
“I have to go back to work and class tomorrow. I could only take leave for so long.” Benjamin nods. “I’ll have Felix come over.”
He shakes his head, pressing his forehead to my chest. I feel him wrap his legs around mine—his arms around my waist. He’s trembling. He’s cold. I hold him tighter.
“What else am I supposed to do? I can’t even call—you won’t speak.
” Hot tears begin to soak my shirt, and I can hear his thoughts from up here.
I’m a burden to him. “I love you, Button. Don’t start thinking anything else.
” I consider our options for a moment. “Okay—I’ll FaceTime you.
That way I can see you’re fine. And you have to eat something when I get home. Is that a deal?”
Benjamin nods against me—letting me slide my hand under his shirt to rub his back. His fingertips are drumming an off-rhythm beat onto my back.
“I miss your voice, Button. But even still—you’re doing so well.
You’re fighting and that’s already enough.
I’m proud of you. I really am.” His hands unwrap themselves from around me and grab my cheeks—bringing my face to his to give me another one of those soft, gentle kisses.
I never move, never press back. I don’t want to scare him.
He pulls back to look at me then kisses my cheek—my chin, my forehead, my nose—and my mouth again.
I think he’s apologizing.
“I forgive you.” I tell him. “Ignoring me is a small offense anyway.” I crack a smile, enjoying his fingers running through my hair.
He rests our foreheads together and sighs—pulling himself even closer still.
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