Chapter 15
Fifteen
Victor
I’m distracted during dinner, checking the restaurant’s entrance every few minutes for Jason. I hope he doesn’t think I left in a huff because he wouldn’t put out. It seemed like the right thing to do—give the man a minute or two alone—so he could pull himself together.
So much for just this week. The familiar ache settles back into my chest, the one I've learned to live with. But I'm not such a dick as to throw Jason's words back at him, or guilt him into something he's clearly not ready for. It’s no more than what I should have expected anyway.
My distraction hasn't gone unnoticed. Logan and Silas seated themselves on the other end of the table, with Kelsey and Adrienne between us. A thoughtful, unspoken indication that they won’t pressure us to talk. Though knowing Jason, he'd probably read it as disapproval instead.
But when Kelsey calls my name, and the note of impatience in her voice indicates it’s not for the first time, I smile sheepishly at her. “Sorry, Kels, what did you say?”
Kelsey heaves a big sigh. “I asked—twice already, by the way—if you know where Dad is? You keep looking at the door like he’s about to walk through it any minute, but you’re the one who said we should go ahead and eat without him. Is something wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, sweetie.” Maybe it’s the quickness of my attempt at reassurance, or the note of doubt I can’t keep out of my voice, but she lifts an eyebrow at me.
She tosses Adrienne a glance, who’s engrossed in an animated conversation with Logan.
Silas interjects an occasional comment, between stealing bits of food off Logan’s plate.
Kelsey shifts her chair a little closer to mine and lowers her voice. “Daddy, what the hell’s going on? Is Dad really that annoyed that he has to share a cabin with you? I don’t want you guys to be miserable during my wedding week.”
I pat her left hand, which is resting on the table between us. Her engagement ring, a star sapphire she and Adrienne found at an antique store in New Orleans’ French Quarter, is a smooth lump under my palm. “Your dad is fine, sweetie.”
At least I hope he is by now. Is it a lie if I say something that I don’t know to be true but don’t know to be untrue? “He’s just…” I grasp for something plausible to say.
Despite what Jason might think, I’m not jonesing to reveal what happened between us fifteen years ago to our daughter, either. Neither do I want to cue her in on anything that almost, but didn’t, just happen between us today. “He’s dealing with some complicated feelings about your mom this week.”
That’s accurate, at least.
Kelsey nods. “Do you think he might be ready to start dating again?”
I nearly choke on a sip of beer and try to cover it with a cough. “Your dad doesn’t normally talk to me about that kind of thing, Kels.”
Also true.
Kelsey blows a puff of wine-scented air out. “Yeah, I don’t think he’s really got anyone to talk to about things like that. He definitely won’t talk to me, not that I’m really anxious to think too much about Dad sex, you know?”
I nod and drain the last of my beer, then signal the server for another. I’m not sure how drunk I need to be to have a conversation with my daughter about her stepdad’s love life but it’s definitely drunker than I currently am.
“I know he really loved my mom. But she’s been gone for a long time, and I can’t help but think that he’s lonely.”
I suspect that’s true but have no way of knowing for sure, so I merely nod at her and take a sip of the beer that thankfully arrives and gives me an excuse to keep my mouth otherwise occupied.
“The closest he’s come to talking to me about it has been a few jokes about Mrs. Kowalski in the choir who apparently keeps dropping not so subtle hints about her recently-divorced daughter. The daughter has a son who’s getting married, too, so therefore, she’s perfect for Dad, I guess.”
I chuckle along with Kelsey at the notion of Jason letting himself get fixed up by an elderly matchmaker in his choir, but Kelsey turns serious again.
“I just…I know it’s none of my business and Dad will date when or if he’s ready.
I just wonder if there’s a reason he hasn’t and I hope it’s not me. ”
Everything in me goes still. Shit, could she have seen Logan and Silas knocking on our door while I was on my knees before her stepfather?
Surely not. Silas must have seen something because I saw him through the window, but didn’t Logan tell Jason that he hadn’t seen anything?
Could she have overheard that conversation?
“I mean, I moved out, like, five years ago. I love him and we have dinner together once a month, but it’s been a while since I needed an active parent, you know what I mean?”
I relax a little and cover my near-panic with another gulp of my beer. “I know what you mean, Kels.”
She probably has no idea about Jason and me.
She’s talking about Jason’s theoretical reasons for putting off dating again.
And Logan also said they don’t gossip about things that aren’t any of their business.
“I’m sure Jason will date again when he’s ready.
” It’s lame, but it’s the only thing I can think of to say.
Kelsey looks over at Adrienne and twists her engagement ring around her finger. “I wish my mom could be here. But I also want Dad to be happy and I’m worried he’s not.”
I’m definitely not the person to talk to about her stepdad’s happiness. Still, I put my arm around her shoulders and she leans back against me. We let the others’ conversation wash over us while the rainforest’s cool evening breeze plays around the open-air restaurant.
When I get back to the casita, every light inside is on.
I kick my sandals off just outside the door and enter.
The living area is empty and the casita is silent.
I pad barefoot across the living area to the bedroom and find Jason stretched out on top of the covers, still fully clothed in the day’s hiking gear, except barefoot.
One arm is flung over his eyes and he’s fast asleep, his lips parted, snoring lightly.
I walk soundlessly through the bedroom to the bathroom and reach in to flip the light switch.
Then I tiptoe back to the doorway and snap off the bedroom’s overhead light.
I plan to use the bathroom and get ready to sleep on the sofa as quietly as I can, then leave Jason in the bed to get an apparently much-needed good night’s sleep.
Except when I slip out of the bathroom, he’s awake and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Hey, man,” I say softly. He doesn’t look rested. “I’m sorry you missed dinner. Kelsey asked if you were okay.”
“Victor.” His voice is rough and there’s something in it that makes my heart speed up.
“Yeah?”
“I’d rather not talk or think about our daughter while you’re half-naked and we’re near a bed.”
I look stupidly down at my own bare chest. I’d stripped out of my shirt in the bathroom before brushing my teeth and my shirt is draped over one shoulder.
My pants are unbuttoned, ready to slip them off in exchange for a pair of loose sleep pants I was going to try to ease out of a drawer without waking Jason.
“Come he—“ Jason starts, then presses his lips together. “Would you come closer, please?”
I cross the few feet to the bed and stop just out of his reach. I don’t really want a repeat of what happened earlier today.
Unless it ends in a different outcome.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” Jason says. Maybe I’m that transparent, or maybe it’s just the elephant in the room for both of us. “I wouldn’t blame you for telling me to fuck off,” he continues. “But I do want you. Very much.”
God, I want him, too. Enough to deal with his baggage?
“I still don’t want Kelsey to know about what happened between us the night of her mother’s funeral. Which feels like lying and I’m not really okay with lying to her, but…”
“But maybe she doesn’t need to know everything about her dads’ sex life,” I offer.
The corner of his mouth lifts in a half-smile. “Yeah.”
“Listen, Jason,” I start but he interrupts me.
“Could we—” he swallows and I hear the dry clicking in his throat. “I know I already said just this week. And then I lost my mind for a minute there.” He swallows again. “Could we just…start over? Have tonight, and not talk about—”
“Yes.” It’s my turn to interrupt him.
Fuck talking. Fuck the future. Fuck what anyone might or will think about this, including our future selves. All I want right now is to fuck him.
“Yes, please.”
Jason’s shoulders slump and I realize how stiff he’d been holding himself.
Not as stiff as my dick suddenly is.
Jason’s eyes go straight to my crotch, where there’s a bulge peeking out from my half-open fly.
“There’s just one thing I want to say.” Jason looks up at me, and his eyebrows draw together in wariness.
”Not about…” I wave my hands around, gesturing vaguely at all the…
whatever…between us. “Just. You don’t have to be gentle or tentative with me.
You can be, you know, the way you were last time. ”
I’m not normally shy about what I want in bed. But Jason’s reaction when I barely suggested he might have a dominant streak makes me want to be a little more delicate.
Jason crosses his arms over his chest and gazes at me silently for a long moment. It’s like he’s thinking through something or assessing me and I resist the impulse to shift position under his scrutiny.
“Lose the shirt and take your pants off,” he finally orders. It’s definitely an order.
I drop my shirt and tear my pants the rest of the way open as quickly as I can. My stomach drops to my feet when Jason gestures at my boxer briefs. “Those, too.”
I hook my thumbs in the waistband and drag them over my aching cock, then let them slide down my legs and kick my clothes off into a corner. “Now what?” I ask.
Jason’s uncrossed his arms and is leaning back, hands bracing himself on the bed. “Give me a minute,” he says. “I didn’t really get a good look at you last time.”
Last time meaning fifteen years ago or last time meaning the other day when he arrived and caught me with just a towel on after my dip in the pool?
Whatever, if Jason wants to look at me naked, that’s fine, as long as he keeps looking at me like that.