Chapter 17
Seventeen
Victor
Jason's gone before dawn, on some day-long hike in a cloud forest, and it’s not that I miss him, exactly, when I wake up alone.
Kelsey and Logan elect to go with him, while Adrienne, Silas, and I stay at the resort.
I like hiking just fine but I made arrangements with the head of the resort to film a couple of yoga sessions here to post on my YouTube channel.
A soft advertisement for the resort while posting at least some new content for my subscribers while I’m away.
Adrienne has a massage scheduled for a couple hours after breakfast and decides to catch up on some work in between.
After I finish filming and post the first session, I head to the pool, where Silas is already settled in a lounger in the shade.
He’s wearing a big floppy straw hat and his face is coated in a layer of white sunblock that he hasn’t quite rubbed in all the way.
“I don’t tan, I burn,” he says mournfully. “Logan made me promise to reapply sunscreen every forty-five minutes.” He pouts, pink lips glossy with what I assume is also SPF something.
“Sounds like he’s looking out for you,” I tell him. I settle into the lounger next to him and adjust the back so I’m comfortable.
“Yeah,” he says. “He does that.” There’s a small smile playing around his lips. He looks like a satisfied kitten basking in the sun. A kitten slathered in sunblock and wearing a long-sleeved sun shirt and floppy hat.
“Tell me more about Logan,” I say. I’ve had several conversations with him and he’s very personable, but I don’t really feel like I know him any better than when I met him the first night here.
Silas launches into a long description of how wonderful Logan is—smart, kind, generous, et cetera—and it’s adorable how obviously in love with him the boy is.
I stretch out on my lounger, nod every few minutes and make encouraging sounds whenever Silas pauses for breath.
He runs out of steam eventually, if not Logan’s virtues to extoll.
I’m curious about their age gap, since Silas had said that first night that he used to date Logan’s son.
I’m not nosy enough to ask directly, but it turns out I don’t have to.
There’s a brief silence while Silas dabs more sunscreen on his nose and then he says, “I haven’t told my parents that Logan and I are together yet.”
“No? Why’s that?”
Silas gives me a once-over that, if I hadn’t just heard him explain how deeply he’s in love with Logan, I might have taken as a come-on. “You’re about Logan’s age, aren’t you?”
“I think so. I’m forty-six, for whatever that’s worth.”
Silas nods. “Logan just turned forty-eight. And Kelsey’s, what, a few years older than me?”
“She’s twenty-seven.”
“How would you react if your daughter brought home someone your own age?”
“Well, Adrienne is ten years older than Kelsey and I like to think I was pretty chill about it.”
Silas casts me a look under the brim of his ludicrous hat. “I’m gonna ask her about that next time I see her. But also she’s not the literal same age as you, right?”
“No,” I concede. There’s a difference between a ten-year age gap and a twenty-five year gap. “Are you worried your parents will disapprove?”
Silas is young enough that parental approval probably still looms large in his life. Though, to be fair, my own parents’ disapproval of some of my life choices still stings when I think about it. Which is why I avoid thinking about that—or them—at all costs.
Silas scrunches up his nose. “No, not really. They’re mostly cool.
It’s just a weird thing, you know?” He sits up straight and puts his arm around an imaginary person next to him.
“‘Hey Dad, meet the man I’ve been fucking. You guys graduated from high school the same year and he has a son who’s my age.
Oh, and by the way, I call him Daddy when we’re fucking but that has nothing to do with how I feel about you, Dad. ’”
Silas rolls his eyes, then lies back against his lounger and I chuckle at his pantomimed big announcement. “Yeah, awkward.”
“So awkward,” Silas agrees with a huge sigh.
“You could leave out the Daddy part,“ I suggest. “And maybe also the fucking part.”
“Uh, yeah. Obviously.” Silas gives a theatrical shudder. “It’s just that I know, you know? Even if my dad doesn’t and would never guess.”
I’m not entirely sure about that since I guessed the very first time I met Logan and Silas. And he just revealed it to me, so either I have a trustworthy face, or Silas can’t keep a secret to save his life. Looking at the boy’s open, guileless face, I’m guessing it’s the latter.
“Anyway, the point is,” Silas continues.
“I know what it’s like to be in a relationship that you’re not ready to reveal to other people in your life, even people that you love.
” He adjusts the angle of his sun hat so he’s not looking directly at me.
“In case that’s anything you might know about, too. ”
Oh.
“I know it seems like I talk a lot.” Silas uncaps his sunscreen bottle, squeezes a thin line from ankle to kneecap on both legs, then rubs the lotion in. “But I’m a good listener. And whether there’s anything to listen to or not, I don’t share my friends’ secrets with anyone.”
He offers the sunscreen to me with a sweet, friendly smile. “Not even Logan.”
I take the sunscreen and apply it to my own legs, as the sun has moved past the overhang we’re sitting under and we’re rapidly losing shade. I’m not at all sure Silas would be able to keep any secrets from his Daddy, but I trust him anyway.
Both of them, as it happens. They’ve been nothing but friendly and kind since we’ve met. And if Adrienne knows them and likes them enough to invite them to her wedding to my daughter, they must be good people.
I’m still not sure I’m ready to reveal all about Jason and me, though.
I’m not even sure what there is to reveal about Jason and me.
We’ve had two nights together, one furtive and fueled by grief.
Last night was different. Not in how he touched me, because I asked for that dominance again, and he delivered.
But in the way he checked in, the way he panicked when I choked, the way he said babe like he was trying it on for size.
A glimpse of what could be, if either of us is willing to let go of Leah's ghost. I'm not at all sure Jason will ever be ready.
I hand the sunscreen back to Silas. “Will you tell your parents about Logan?”
”Oh, for sure,” he says. ”It’s only been a couple of months and they were on this epic cruise to Australia and New Zealand in January, so I haven’t actually seen them since before the holidays. Logan wanted me to wait until I was sure I wanted to be with him long-term before I told them anyway.”
“And do you?“ I ask. “Want to be with him long-term?”
Silas gives this happy-sounding sigh. “Forever and ever until we die,“ he says. A cloud passes over his face and he gives me a stern look. “And don’t tell me that he’ll die long before me. I could get hit by a bus before his next birthday. Or get cancer and die young like Kelsey’s mom.”
Don’t I know it.
“Well, I’m nearly the same age as Logan and I have no intention of dying any time soon,“ I tell him.
Silas gives me a sunny smile. “That’s the spirit.”
I smile back at him as he raises his phone to his face and starts scrolling through it. I pick up my own phone and grab my notebook from the small bag I’d brought to the poolside. Now’s as good a time as any to plan some spin workouts for when I’m back home next week.
First, I sit up and twist around to snap a selfie with the waterfall at the end of the pool in the background.
After some minor edits to the photo, I post it on my social media accounts, with appropriate hashtags and a light apology to my followers for missing the annual anti-Valentine’s Day ride I usually do.
It’s a snarky mix of breakup songs and songs about bad lovers and it’s a fan favorite every year.
I’m scrolling through my massive workout playlist and a theme jumps out at me. Forbidden love. I start jotting down some song options.
Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield. A little on the nose, maybe, considering that I’m currently fucking the man who was my best friend’s husband, but it’s a great song for a hard climb.
Hot For Teacher by Van Halen. Fits the forbidden theme, even if no band could get away with that nowadays. Is being hot for a music director the same as being hot for Teacher? I don’t know but the song’s chorus plays in the back of my mind while I continue scrolling through my playlists.
Speaking of inappropriate relationships, I’m going to skip The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close To Me. Even if it were an awesome workout song, it’s too much ick.
I catch sight of I Want the One I Can’t Have by The Smiths as I scroll, and yeah, ouch. That one hits hard, considering the years I’ve been pining after Jason. I skip that one. Too close to home.
The thing is, I can have Jason. At least for a few more days. That's more than I ever thought I'd get. I should be savoring every minute instead of already dreading the end.
And here’s Dirty Little Secret by the All-American Rejects, and is my playlist literally mocking me right now? I snort to myself.
“Wait, what the hell?” Silas jerks upright and glares at his phone.
I glance over at him. “Something wrong?”
Silas looks up, across the pool area toward the reception area, then looks down at his phone again. He swipes his thumb down, scrolling to the top of whatever he’s looking at, and his blond brows draw together as his green eyes flick rapidly side to side.
“My producer just emailed me,” he says. “Apparently, the arranger who was supposed to work on the chorus pieces in my musical is no longer available.”
I have no idea what this means, but Silas sounds pretty distressed by it. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there someone else who can do it?”