Chapter 8 Toby #2
Option one: Reject my mate. Deny the bond. Pretend the most intense, real thing I've ever felt doesn't exist. My chest constricts painfully at the thought, a physical ache so sharp it makes me gasp. But I would keep my job. My scholarship. My future.
Option two: Keep Jionni. Lose everything else. Watch my parents' faces crumble when I tell them I threw away everything they've sacrificed for. See the quiet, soul-crushing disappointment in their eyes. Become the failure I've always feared I am.
I almost laugh, a sharp, hysterical sound that I choke back before it can escape. Two days. That's all it took for my carefully constructed life to completely implode. Two days and one alpha who turned my world upside down.
I stand up, moving like a sleepwalker to my closet. I pull out a cardboard box, the one I used to move in at the beginning of the year. I start filling it mechanically. The RA handbook. My clipboard. The carefully laminated door decorations I made for the floor. The walkie-talkie for emergencies.
I'm not making a decision. Not really. I'm just... preparing. For the inevitable.
The tears come without sound, hot and angry. I wipe them away, but more follow.
I can see my mother's face when I got the RA position.
The way her eyes lit up with pride. "My son, the leader," she'd said, her English still accented after twenty years in America.
I can see my father's quiet nod, the way he'd squeezed my shoulder.
"You did good, son," he'd said. It had meant everything.
All for me. All for this. And I'm about to throw it all away.
I don't hear the knock at first. It comes again, louder, more insistent.
"Toby? You in there?"
Jionni.
I wipe hastily at my face, but it's useless. My skin is hot and tight, salt stinging the corners of my eyes. He'll know. He'll smell the salt of my tears, the despair rolling off me in waves.
I open the door. He takes one look at my face, at my red-rimmed eyes, and his expression darkens.
"What happened?" he demands, pushing past me into the room. "What did that fucker say to you?"
"Jionni—"
"I'll kill him," he growls, his eyes flashing with a dangerous light. "I swear to god, if he threatened you—"
"Stop," I say, my voice breaking. "Just... stop."
"No," he says, shaking his head. "No way. Whatever he said, whatever he threatened, we can fight this. Together."
The words hit me. He doesn't understand. I can't let him fight this. Not for me.
"There is no 'together,'" I say, the words like shards of glass in my throat. "Not anymore."
He stares at me like I've spoken in a foreign language.
"What are you talking about?" he finally asks.
"He has evidence," I say, gesturing helplessly at the empty air. "Security footage. A student report. He knows everything, Jionni. About us. About... everything."
"So what?" Jionni's voice rises, laced with angry disbelief. "So fucking what? Let him know. We haven't done anything wrong."
"Haven't we?" I laugh, a hollow, wretched sound. "I'm your RA. I'm supposed to be a professional. I'm supposed to be responsible. Instead, I'm..." I gesture between us. "This. Whatever this is."
"This," Jionni says, stepping closer, his voice dropping, becoming intense, "is us. It's real. It's the only real thing I've ever felt."
"It doesn't matter," I say, forcing myself to step back.
I can't let him touch me. If he touches me, I'll break into a million pieces.
"Henderson gave me a choice. End things with you and keep my job, or.
.." I swallow hard, forcing the rest out.
"Or lose everything. My position. My scholarship. My future."
"That's not a choice," Jionni says, his voice low and dangerous. "That's blackmail."
"It doesn't matter what it is!" I snap, my voice rising with hysteria. "It's reality. This is my reality, Jionni. I can't ... I can't throw everything away for..."
"For me," he finishes, his voice flat and dead. "You can't throw everything away for me."
"You don't understand," I say, desperate for him to see, to understand the weight on my shoulders.
"This isn't just a job. It's my future. It's everything my parents have sacrificed for.
If I lose this, if I lose my scholarship, I can't stay at Westbridge.
I can't finish my degree. I can't go to law school.
I can't be the person they've worked so hard for me to become. "
"So be someone else," Jionni says, his voice raw with intensity. "Be who you really are, not who they want you to be."
"That's easy for you to say," I retort, the words lashing out, cruel and unfair. "You don't have to worry about disappointing anyone. You don't have anyone counting on you."
The words hang in the air between us, ugly and poisonous. I regret them the second they leave my mouth.
"Jionni, I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"
"No, you're right," he cuts me off, his voice hard as stone, but I can see the crack. "I don't have anyone counting on me. I don't have anyone at all. Except, I thought, maybe... you."
The raw hurt in his voice makes my chest ache so badly I can't breathe. I want to reach for him. I want to take it all back. But I can't. This is bigger than us. Bigger than what I want.
"I can already see my mother's face," I choke out, the words tasting like ash.
"That quiet disappointment that's so much worse than anger.
The way my father will nod and say it's okay, even though it isn't. All those extra shifts they took.
.. for what? So I could throw it all away for an alpha I met a few days ago? "
Jionni's face crumples. He reaches for me, his hand outstretched, his expression pleading. "Toby, please."
My body betrays me. Every cell screams to lean into him, to let him hold me, to let him fix this. My skin aches for his touch.
But my mind—my terrified, logical, duty-bound mind—wins.
I flinch back, a small, violent jerk away from the one thing in the world I want.
The movement is tiny, but it feels like I've ripped myself in half. I see the impact in his eyes. The confusion vanishes, replaced by a raw, animal hurt so profound it takes my breath away. He stops, his hand frozen in the air between us.
"There is no 'together,'" I repeat, each word a knife twisting in my own heart. "There's... reality. And the reality is, I can't do this. I can't be what you need me to be."
"I need you to be you," he says, his voice a ragged whisper. "That's all I've ever needed."
"This is me," I say, gesturing to the box, to my room, to the ruins of my carefully planned life. "This is who I am. Someone who follows the rules. Someone who doesn't risk everything for... for feelings."
He stares at me, his own heart breaking in his eyes. He slowly lowers his hand. He doesn't try to touch me again.
"Please," I whisper, the word shattering on its way out of my throat. "Just... go."