Chapter 2
SEBASTIAN
‘Nice suit.’
I glance across the table to see Jade covertly checking me out whilst sipping her coffee. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips, but I keep a perfectly straight face. This is going to be the equivalent of taking candy from a baby, but I need to maintain a professional demeanour at all times.
‘Thanks. It’s Gucci, last season,’ I say, dropping my eyes to my laptop and tapping away on the keypad. ‘I’ll finish up these notes, and we can get started.’
I haven’t really got any notes as such. I’m typing gobbledygook, but it sounds good, and it matches my cover story: Sebastian Burns, life coach. If she knew what I really was ... Well, I don’t want to scare her off this early in the game.
‘Your tie has pitchforks on it. Cute,’ Jade says in an overly bright tone.
‘It does,’ I reply, continuing to type and not looking up.
‘W-was it a birthday present?’ Her voice wavers, and I can tell she’s one of those women who nervously spout random chitter-chatter when they’re around attractive men.
Of course she’s nervous in my presence. She’s only ever drooled over men like me from a distance.
Well, Jade Jameson, today is your lucky day.
You get to spend a whole hour with your fantasy man.
‘It’s a set,’ I drawl, keeping my eyes on the screen. ‘I’m also wearing pitchfork boxer briefs. Calvin Klein. Extra large.’
There’s a heavy silence, and I glance up to discover Jade staring at me with red cheeks. Excellent. She’s already wondering what my cock looks like. Little does she know that said cock is standing to attention under the table and ready for action.
I clear my throat. ‘Now that the size of my penis has been established, we should probably make a start.’
‘Bloody hell, are you always this forthright?’ Jade splutters, her eyes round as saucers.
‘Only on Tuesdays.’
She lets out a nervous laugh. ‘But it’s Monday.’
‘Ah, then no, I’m not.’
She narrows her eyes, attempting to see my laptop, but I swivel it away from her. ‘Are you sure you’re a life coach?’
I nod. ‘Most definitely.’
‘Lemme see your card,’ she says suspiciously. Whoops, the penis comment was obviously a bit OTT. Dial it back, Burns.
Sliding the silver holder out of my jacket pocket, I open it and give her one of my white business cards. She looks at the black embossed writing.
‘Sebastian Burns, life coach. BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.’ She gives a derisive snort. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be helping people make changes, not encouraging them to be couch potatoes?’
I sigh. It’s actually a tongue-in-cheek tag line, but I can’t explain the joke as I’ll give myself away.
Slipping the cardholder back into my pocket, I smile mysteriously. ‘All will be revealed in due course.’
‘Right.’
Jade checks the time on her phone, and I suspect I’m losing her. Millennials have such short attention spans.
I slap my laptop shut with a bang, and she jumps at the sound.
‘So let’s begin. Tell me about you, Jade Jameson,’ I purr. ‘What’s happening or not happening in your life? And most importantly, how can I help?’
I pin her with a piercing stare, and she simultaneously straightens her spine and blushes as a spark ignites between us. But I’m not surprised. Inspiring fiery passion is my job after all.
Jade chews her bottom lip, looking slightly disconcerted at my unwavering attention.
While she’s considering her answer, she toys with a lock of her straight mousy-brown hair.
Her face is cute in an unformed kind of way: cheeks round, a light dusting of freckles across the bridge of her nose, but she has a stubborn chin, which could be a problem.
My eyes drop lower to see what her boobs are like.
But a baggy curry-stained top disguises those particular features. Pity.
My gaze shifts back up to her face to find her still deliberating, as if she’s reluctant to tell me anything.
‘Just a little snippet will do,’ I say in an encouraging tone. ‘Like is something in particular bothering you? Or is it the whole shebang?’
Jade inhales sharply, and her bottom lip wobbles. Oh, OK, I’ve hit the mark there.
‘It’s ... it’s everything,’ she replies quietly. ‘I hate my job. I hate my flat. I basically hate my entire life.’
‘Hmm, that’s a common problem,’ I say, nodding thoughtfully but inwardly clapping my hands in glee. A full admission of misery straight off the bat! This is going to be sooo easy. ‘And I fully understand. What about friends? You seem like a person who has some close connections.’
She shrugs. ‘My friends are OK. I don’t have like ... a BFF or anything. But I hang out with a few people from work.’
‘No one special?’
Jade shakes her head, no doubt wondering where this is going. Her eyes slide away from mine quickly, and I sense that she’s uncomfortable about revealing she’s single. Or maybe it’s a safety precaution. I am a complete stranger after all, even if I am her wet dream.
I place a hand on the table between us to keep her focus on me, and she stares at it. My hand is large, smooth, tanned, and exactly the kind of long tapered fingers she likes. Yes, Jade, look at my sexy man hand, perfect for caressing your sweet little ...
‘I wasn’t meaning to pry into your love life, Jade,’ I say reassuringly, and she drags her eyes back to my face again.
‘I’m establishing a baseline.’ I inject a note of friendly nonchalance into my tone.
What she doesn’t know is that I’m actually establishing if anyone’s going to miss her if she disappears for a week. Two at the most.
‘A baseline?’ she echoes, sounding confused. She glances at her phone again, as if she’s expecting a message, which annoys me. Can’t two people have a conversation without technology interfering? Right, time to cut to the chase.
‘OK, Jade, here’s how my life coaching service works. It’s simple. You give me what I want, and I give you what you want—namely a taster of a better life. If you decide that it’s the life you want, I can pull some strings to make sure it’s yours permanently.’
Jade leans back and folds her arms. I’ve got her full attention now. ‘That sounds really dodgy.’
Oh, it is, Jade. Believe me ...
‘It’s a little unconventional,’ I agree. ‘You’d need to have an open mind. But if you take a leap of faith and make a deal with me, I promise I can make your life a lot better.’
‘Now you sound like a genie rather than a life coach. Am I supposed to rub your magic lamp three times or something?’
I grin wolfishly, and Jade’s expression darkens as she realises that there’s something sinister and sexual involved in doing business with me. She grabs her phone and handbag and begins edging out of the booth.
‘OK, I’m out of here, you perv,’ she mutters. ‘I knew this was a mistake.’
‘Wait.’ I project some soothing energy into the space between us. ‘It’s not what you think.’
She looks at me warily. ‘Isn’t it? You mentioned your penis in the first five minutes of our conversation, and now you’re offering me some dodgy-sounding deal. I don’t care if you’re like the walking, talking version of my ideal man. I need to leave now.’
She flushes bright red and groans softly. And I know she’s going to be kicking herself for telling me that for the next six months.
‘You’re right. What I’m offering you is dodgy.
It’s dodgy as hell,’ I admit. ‘But it’s also some interesting shit that will blow your mind.
And I don’t mean drugs. Will you hear me out at least?
Then you can make an informed decision. You’ve booked for an hour, and trust me, you’re going to drive yourself crazy wondering what you missed out on. ’
She juts out her chin. ‘I highly doubt it, Sebastian. If that’s even your name.’
Well, if she’s going to take that attitude, perhaps it’s best if I show her. Glancing around to make sure no one’s watching, I unfurl my tongue and poke it out between my lips. It splits down the middle, into a fork. I rotate the two tips in what I hope is a comedic way, but Jade blanches.
‘What the actual fuck!’ She ogles my tongue with an expression akin to horror. ‘Who are you?’
I seal my tongue together and yank it back into my mouth with a slurp, like a large toad who’s caught a fly.
Smirking, I lean back in the booth, giving her my best seductive look: the one I save for desperate models.
‘I’m the X-rated answer to your prayers.’