34
The jungle was hot.
And, because the trees above blocked most of the sun, it kept the morning mist from disappearing into the sky. Which made it humid.
Milo was soaked with sweat. His robes were stuck to him in places which were more than a little uncomfortable and, not for the first time, he envied his golems who didn’t have to endure the weaknesses of being human.
They didn’t even notice the heat.
Or the bugs which completely ignored them to focus on the delicious opportunity presented by Milo’s blood and skin.
He was constantly waving his hand as buzzing creatures droned around his face.
His muddy boots squelched through the rotten undergrowth.
Up ahead, Selma strode through the jungle without a care. Her heavy sword was slashing vines out of her path. And occasional pythons which dropped from above.
Tania was nowhere to be seen.
She had skipped ahead, actively camouflaged, and only a few bird whistles were sign she was out there. Whistles which Selma nodded along to and occasionally replied with.
Looking over her shoulder, the blonde golem wiggled her bottom at Milo.
The mail bikini she wore wasn’t hiding anything. Though she wore panties under the mail, she might as well have just walked around naked.
As soon as his eyes brushed her butt, the golem flashed a grin and whistled into the jungle. A sharp and cheerful note.
Milo rolled his eyes. “Will you two at least try to focus on the actual mission objective?”
“Is mine better?”
“Huh?”
She slapped her bottom. “My can,” she said. “Tania says you prefer hers because she’s perkier. But mine’s lush, right?”
“Seriously,” he said. “The mission?”
“It’s part of the mission,” Selma said, holding up two fingers. “Mission Objective, Part Two. Section three. Discover Milo’s preferences for body type. Especially booty and boobs. It’s an important objective. It’s worth a hundred points.”
“A hundred points?”
“Yeah.” She nodded enthusiastically. “For every objective we complete, we get points. Originally we were counting kills, but if we both kill the same things, it gets confusing, see? Like, if I decapitate it, but she’d already poisoned it, who killed it?
Did I steal her kill? It’s not a fair tally, see?
So, we decided Mission Objectives are better. ”
“And who decides these?”
“We all do. We sit around and talk about them first. Like, what’s achievable and what’s not. It can’t be something only one of us can do. So, nothing about stealth because I ain’t exactly the sneaky type, see?”
“Yeah, I see.” Milo sighed. “How many of them are related to me?”
“Hum,” she thought about it. “Most of them.”
He stared at her.
She stared back.
“Dwarves,” he said slowly, “were so damn weird.”
“You don’t know the half of it, buster,” Tania said, stepping out of the trees. “We got a little problem up ahead.”
“What kind of problem?”
“Looks like an empty village.”
“That’s a problem?”
“Well, it’s empty, ain’t it?”
“If you say so.”
“Then it’s clearly either a spawn point or a trap.” Tania tapped her head. “I know how these things work, Milo. I ain’t some ditz like some people.”
“Hey,” Selma frowned. “Are you talking about me?”
“Sister, if I was gonna call ya a ditz, I’d be polite and call it to your face.”
“Oh.” Selma nodded. “Alright.”
“Ya ditz.”
“Hey.”
“What do you wanna do, Milo?”
He hefted his rifle. It was heavier than his old one. “You think we should go around it?”
“Well, we could. But I need some new shoes. And Selma here wanted a new outfit.”
“I want a slinky dress,” Selma said, nodding seriously. “A pink one. With sparkles on it.”
“They’re called sequins, ya ditz.”
“Right,” Selma said. “I want a slinky dress. With pink sparkles on it. And sequins.”
“They’re expensive, Milo,” Tania explained.
“You think the village will drop a few more dungeon stones,” he said, understanding where she was heading now.
“Yeah. But it ain’t gonna be no petting party,” she said. “I ain’t got any idea what kind of crashers are gonna swan in, but I’m betting they won’t be just any old dumb creeps.”
“Alright, then.” He patted his rifle. “Let’s check it out.”
“That’s why I’m goofy for you, Milo,” Tania said with a squeal. “You ain’t no flat wheeler, ya know?”
He didn’t know. He had no idea what she was talking about.
But he let her lead the way.
Selma stepped up beside Tania, and the two whispered to each other using a lot of words Milo didn’t get.
He wondered if they were dwarven words.
But they didn’t sound dwarven.
Fed had said everything was being translated into Human from Dwarven. Was Fed ultimately responsible for this clash? Or was the slang of the dwarves just that much more diverse?
The path they were following opened up to reveal a small village. Like Tania had said it looked like anything except a friendly little village.
It was just a few mud and straw huts gathered around a large fire pit.
No walls to protect it or signs anyone lived in it anymore.
No sign of a fight.
It was just abandoned.
“Goblins,” Selma said, sniffing the air.
“How can you tell?” Milo asked.
“Stinks like goblins,” Selma replied. “They got a real nasty stink.”
Milo glanced at Tania, who nodded. “She ain’t a ditz through and through, Milo. I can smell it, too.”
“Thanks,” Selma said drily. “I appreciate your support, sister.”
“You wanna get the ball rolling, or you want me to do it?”
“Rock paper or scissors?”
The two golems squared off. Bumping their fists. Then rocked their fists up and down.
“Alright,” Tania said. “On three. One. Two. Three! Paper!”
“Rock!” Selma cried a split-second later. Then scowled. “Blast it.”
Tania reached up to pat her shoulder. “You gotta choose something other than rock one day, sister.”
“Blast.” Selma sighed. She tugged on her belt, loosening it around her hips. The weapons jingled in their sheaths. “Alright. I’ll go first.”
“I’ll be right behind ya!” Then Tania threw a mischievous look at Milo and thrust out her butt, letting her robe slide up to reveal her crisp white panties. “Speaking of behinds. Check it out, Milo! Ain’t it sweet?”
“Your skinny old can ain’t got nothing on mine!” Selma declared.
“Old?”
“You’re older than me,” Selma pointed out.
“What? “ Tania’s mouth dropped open in shock. “It ain’t by more than a moon!”
“Still older.” Selma waved her curvy bottom at Milo and grinned. “Forget about her saggy old bum, Milo. Mine’s smooth and cuddly.”
Tania slapped Selma’s butt cheek. The loud crack echoed through the village. “Get a handle of yourself, ya ditzy tomato.”
Selma shrugged and took a step towards the village. “Boys like girls who are a little dumb,” she said.
“That ain’t right.” Tania scowled. “Is it, Milo?”
Milo had never had a girlfriend. He’d never even had a friend who was a girl.
But he knew enough about females to know there are some questions a man just has to refuse to answer.
And even if these females were golems and not really women at all, there was no way he was about to put his foot into his mouth.
“You two sort it out.” He sighed, moving towards a low set of stones he could use as cover. He crouched down behind it and rested his rifle across the stones.
Aimed at the center of the village.
Tania put her hands on her hips.
But by then, Selma had stepped into the little village. And the fire pit suddenly let out a sharp hiss of sparks as it burst into flame. The fire crackled cheerfully as the ground shook with the sound of heavy steps approaching from deep within the jungle.
“Meat!” a thunderous voice called from the trees. “I smell fresh meat!”
“The giant creature crashed out of the trees and peered down at Selma. He was at least twice her height. And almost as broad as he was tall. None of it was fat. It was all ridiculously over-powered muscle.
Gray-skinned and loosely dressed in a flimsy loincloth made of skin. What kind of skin was something Milo didn’t want to know.
His thick round head twisted into a gruesome mask of delight as he showed his cracked yellowed teeth.
‘You’re purty,” he growled.
“And you’re hurting my peepers,” Selma winced. “And my nose. Ain’t you ever heard of bathing?”
“Ogre,” Tania grunted. “Well, that weren’t what I expected. It weren’t on Master Garmstooth’s list.”
“Troublesome?” Milo asked.
“Milo, sweetie,” she sighed, flicking her wrists to let her blades spring out through her palms. “That ain’t even beginning to describe this numbskull.”
“More purty!” The ogre leered. Drool slid down from his thick lips. “It Gulf’s big day.”
“Ugh,” Tania dropped into a crouch as the ogre took a step towards them. “Ya creepy old weasel. Go get him, sister.”
“Me?” Selma shot Tania a shocked look. “Why me?”
“You got here first, didn’t ya? That makes him yours.”
“I don’t want him.”
“Well, I don’t want him, neither.”
“Rock paper scissors?”
“Paper.”
“Blast it.” Selma scowled, then looked at the ogre and lifted the heavy sword in her hand. She took a deep breath.
Then charged.