Chapter 57
CHAPTER 57
Two days later, I sat on the beach and watched the waves crash against the shore. I’d never admit it to anyone, but I regretted not hearing Porter’s side of things.
What had actually happened? When I asked him to leave, he did exactly that. And I never saw him again. But he also told me that he loved me. I felt heartsick. It was the kind of pain that never went away. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night, I ached.
Someone sat beside me. Without looking, I knew it was Jackson. We sat there in silence.
He cleared his throat. “You’re hurting.”
I traced patterns into the white sand beside me. I didn’t speak.
“He was hurting, too.”
I glanced up at Jackson. Any story, any tidbit, any news about Porter felt like a drop of water after an endless trek across a desert. I would take anything he could give me.
“I met Porter in BUDs, and man, that guy was a serious shit disturber.” He gave a short laugh, not looking at me. “If the instructors asked him for ten, he’d give them twenty. If they pushed him, he’d shift into another gear and go harder, faster, stronger. At first, I thought he had something to prove, but after awhile, I realized there was no punishment great enough for Porter. Anything that involved danger or pain he was the first one to sign up. He’s the only one I saw in BUDs that the instructors backed off on. They were used to pushing men to their limits, but it’s like they knew they could push him past all his limits and he’d keep going. And eventually, it’d be his heart that’d explode, or he’d drown, or his lungs would blow. I think, at that point in his life, that was his end goal.”
My eyes met his green gaze. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Not my story to tell, but Porter has carried around guilt for years. And no one is harder on Porter than Porter is.”
I swallowed. I knew it had to do with his family.
Jackson continued, “Porter's one of the best operators I’ve ever met. He’s fearless, ruthless and unbelievably protective. He’s the only one I considered to be Theo’s godfather. Without a moment's hesitation, he’d sacrifice himself for anyone.”
I knew that about Porter. He’d risked his life diving in front of a car to save me.
“He and Felicia worked until they didn’t. She was needy in all the wrong ways, and it fit into exactly what he thought he should be. He was protective. He took care of her. He was patient with her. He did all the heavy lifting in that relationship, but he could never give her the one thing she wanted.”
“What was that?” my voice sounded like a rusty nail.
“He couldn’t give a fuck.”
Our eyes met again.
“Your relationship with Porter is the first time I’ve seen him give a fuck. And you know what?”
“What?”
“He kind of sucked at it. He’s lived his entire adult life a certain way. And when you came along, he didn’t know how to make that work.”
“You talked to him when this was all happening? ”
“He’d tell me different things, without actually telling me things. But he wasn’t himself. From the get-go, you threw him off his game so hard.”
“I did?”
He smiled down at me. “Was it this painful to watch me and Emily get together?”
“It was excruciating.”
“Have you talked to your dad?”
I shook my head.
“Some friendly advice—start there.”
“You think?”
“When we’re in the field, we don’t always have the benefit of seeing the entire picture. We get bits of intel coming in, and we make the best decision based on that intel.”
“You think I need more intel.”
“Don’t you?”
I sat there, staring at the waves. “I think I need to get my ass back to New York.”
I stepped into Dad’s office.
He stood behind his desk, looking nervous. “Beth.”
“Dad, I need you to be honest with me.”
“Have a seat.”
I sat down across from him. Deep lines on his face indicated his exhaustion. “I need you to tell me what happened that first night when you talked to Porter. Don’t spin this to suit you. Tell me the truth.”
He sighed. “One night Yates came to my office and told me you’d been arrested and that you had a new boyfriend.”
I bit back my response, letting him speak.
“It didn’t take much to figure out who Porter was. What I did, I’m not proud of. I had him investigated. And I found out something from his past to hold against him.”
“Dad!” My fingers flew to my parted lips.
“Things were already starting to heat up with the campaign. I had reason to believe those drugs were deliberately planted in your purse. A raid was called. They wanted to have you arrested. That was the start of a smear campaign.”
“What does that have to do with Porter?”
“I wasn’t sure if he was part of that smear campaign.”
I shook my head in denial. “What did you do?”
“First, I told him I knew you two weren’t real. He didn’t budge. Then, I offered him a lot of money to walk. He refused. That’s when I got a bit dirty.”
“What?”
“I knew that he was a SEAL. And I also knew he had some sort of agreement with you. If there was one person who could keep you safe, it was him. So, I offered him half a million dollars to stay with you and keep you safe until I said so.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me to go fuck myself.”
I sprung out of my chair and walked blindly to the window. “But you got him to accept the money.”
“I threatened him. I told him if he refused, I would reveal his secret to the media, and it’d be front page everywhere.”
I spun around to face him, “So, he really didn’t have a choice. He either protected me for money and continued to protect his secret, or you’d blow up his life if he didn’t accept.”
“Yes. He told me he’d take care of you for free, but I forced him to take the money.”
“You wanted him to take the money, so you had something over him.” My heart raced in my chest.
“Beth, I’d do anything to keep you safe.”
“He said he’d do it for free.” My voice accused. “Why is everything about control with you? ”
“I don’t know,” his shoulders dropped.
“I loved him. I still love him. He was the one, Dad.”
“I know. I know that. And he loved you. Porter came to me and told me he loved you, and he wanted to marry you for real. I couldn’t have been happier.”
“But?”
He couldn’t meet my eyes. “He wanted to tell you the whole truth.”
“The night of the rehearsal dinner, you begged him not to tell me.”
“I thought you’d never forgive me.”
Big, rolling waves of pain pushed through my body. “He stuck with me.”
“He did.”
“He protected me, and he loved me, and I was…I was so awful to him.”
“Beth. I’m so sorry. I’ve tried to find Porter.”
“You have?”
“His phone has been disconnected. No one knows where he is. I wanted to apologize to him and fix this. What can I do?”
“He’s never going to forgive me. He did everything right by our fucked up family and me, and look how we treated him.”
“Your mom is so angry at me.”
“Does she know?”
“I told her the entire thing. She threatened to divorce me if I didn’t make this right.” He stared down at his hands. “Can you forgive me?”
I was tired of feeling angry. So tired of being the wronged party. I didn’t want to hold onto any of that any longer. “Dad, you have to let me live my life.”
“I know.”
“Please. You need to take a big step back. I can’t go through this again.”
“I know. ”
I picked up my bag and paused, unsure what to do next.
“What are you going to do?”
I needed to find him.
“I’m going to find Porter.”
Roo and Mom bent over a binder, heads almost touching as they murmured, two little peas in a pod. I stood in the doorway and watched. I realized I’d never seen Mom connect with another person quite like she had with Roo.
Had she ever had a friend like Roo? They were real friends, who actually cared about each other. She had told me recently that Roo has asked if she wanted to come and partner with him at his wedding planning company. I was truly happy for her.
I wished it had been me who had bonded with her, but right now, I felt glad she had such a close friend in her life.
“Hi,” I said from the doorway.
Mom rushed to me, pulling me into a hug. “Darling girl.” She pulled back to look at me. “I’ve been so worried.”
“I talked to Dad. He told me everything.”
A cross expression marred her face. “That man. I swear, I’m so angry with him.”
I shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly innocent in all of this either.”
“What can we do? How can we help?”
I shifted my attention to Roo. “How did you find Porter’s parents?”
He cocked his head to the side. “Porter gave me their address and phone number.”
“Do you know where they live?”
“What’s going on?” Mom rushed.
“I need to apologize to Porter, but I don’t know where he is. I thought I’d contact his parents and see if they know where he is.”
She covered her mouth with both hands. “Oh, that’s perfect. ”
“I need to talk to Porter.”
“They live in Montana,” Roo offered.
That was going to be problematic. I had exactly $400 to my name. “Mom, can I borrow some money? I think I need to take a flight.”
She crossed her arms. “I think I can do better than that. It’s time your dad stopped holding your inheritance over your head from your grandmother.”
I didn’t give a shit about the money. But it would help. “Are either of you interested in helping me book a trip to Montana?”