ROBBIE
I now understand what it feels like when a moth is drawn to a flame.
Ashton was burning brighter than the sun, and I couldn’t look away.
No matter how much it burns me up. He’s mesmerising.
Captivating. Enthralling. And I, I am his willing slave to lust. Yes, I’m aware just how much my inner voice was lamenting the experience.
But I just couldn’t seem to stop myself from picturing him as a romantic lead in another story.
As it was, he was starring in all of my dreams, both day, and night.
Now I have a new fantasy: the way his body moves.
Pure poetry. His hand ghosting over his body makes my fingers twitch.
What held me in my seat was the look in his eyes.
It felt like he was looking straight at me, holding me in place.
Reaching out to me through the screen with a need and longing that stole the breath from my lungs.
Was this what Dad felt when he looked at Ashton?
Or is it just how he makes me feel, and I’m trying to figure out why?
Looking for a connection through a screen.
Same as dad? This exact screen, sat in this seat, in this very room, that still holds an echo of him.
I stayed staring at the screen long after Ashton’s show had finished.
Until I heard Dave’s harpy of a girlfriend leave.
Only then did I venture downstairs, where I found my mum sat gazing into space.
I couldn’t bring myself to enter the room. The silence felt too heavy, not just with the weight of her worsening condition, but with the guilt and regret.
Looking at her, she seemed almost at peace. I wondered what was going through her head. Was she locked in a memory, or blanking out?
How much of her life did she remember?
Did she know about Dad’s double life? They were together for a long time; how could she not have noticed something? Asking would only confuse and hurt her, and if she knew then she’d learned to live with it. If she didn’t know...there was no point shattering her perception.
These days she seemed to lose herself more and more, slipping into a reality only she recognised. Seeing her like this felt like another kick to my heart. I couldn’t put it off for much longer. I was going to have to face the painful truth and make a doctor’s appointment for her.