CHAPTER 10
ROBBIE
Since getting home, I had been staring at the box containing my past career.
It was kind of depressing that part of my life fit into one box.
Handing over my lanyard, company mobile, and leaving the building for the last time was strangely anticlimactic.
There was no fanfare, no ceremony, just a last ‘good luck’ and that was that.
Now I was sitting on the sofa, feeling disoriented.
Jumping out of my skin when Evan burst through the door holding a bottle of prosecco and two glasses.
I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for celebrating, but saying no to Ev when he had that determined look in his eye was next to impossible.
And Evan was excellent company most of the time.
Except when he started asking awkward questions — the kind that made me think about things I was trying very hard to hide from. I knew he always had my back and my best interests at heart. It was just him holding up a mirror and asking me to really see myself that I struggled with.
“So, what’s the plan? You aiming to be the new Oscar Wilde...”
I froze.
What did he mean? New Oscar Wilde, as in...satirical romantic plays and paranormal redemption stories?
Or the having a gay lover sort of thing?
From the glint in his eye and the smirk on his lips, I knew it was the latter.
Panic surged through me.
I wasn’t sure how to answer, so I took another gulp of my drink — hoping the right words were written at the bottom of the glass.
“Jeez, babe, slow down. Are you trying for a new world record?”
No, I wasn’t. I was stalling for time.
And the words no solace was ever found at the bottom of a glass sprang to mind.
At that moment, I didn’t care.
I’d been at a crossroads and chosen the way forward. That didn’t stop me from freaking out that my inner satnav was wrong and guiding me down the wrong road.
Fuck me, that was deep.
Did I need to think that kind of shit right now?
Hmm, how about...
More booze. Less introspection.
Deflecting, I asked, “You got a hot date for tomorrow?”
Evan narrowed his eyes, poured himself another drink, and took a seat at the breakfast bar. Tucking his long legs out of the way.
“I haven’t. Why are you asking when you know I’ve sworn off men?”
“For the time being...”
He snorted. “Temporary celibacy. Like a detox. I’ll be back on the apps by next week.”
I smiled, grateful for the shift in topic — but my mind was still spinning.
Not just from the alcohol.
From Ashton.
From the message I hadn’t replied to.
From the way his eyes had looked through the screen, like he saw something in me I hadn’t dared name.
I wanted to talk to him.
But I also wanted to keep him to myself.
Just for a little longer.
Just until I figured out what this was.
Evan raised his glass. “To freedom. To fiction. And to finally doing something for yourself.”
I clinked mine against his.
“To not screwing things up.” I mumble.
He grinned. “Too late for that, babe. You already quit your job and started writing gay romance. You’re halfway to Wilde already.”
I laughed, but it felt like a nervous twitch.
Because maybe he was right.
And maybe I wasn’t ready to admit it.
Not even to myself.
Oh, I was so screwed. Not literally, because I still hadn’t worked up the courage to reply to Ashton.
Each hour that I pushed the task away felt like another brick in a wall I was building around my feelings.
Like armour. I desperately wanted to talk to him, to build a connection.
Find answers. But taking that step felt as big as stepping off a cliff.
Fear was holding me back; I knew that. Still, I let it control me.
That little voice in the back of my mind was getting louder.
Wrecking my concentration. I’d been sitting at my desk for hour’s willing words onto the screen, only for them to dry up, the empty screen mocking me.
Did Oscar Wilde have this problem, too? The self-doubt, questioning himself and his ability to get the book done and share it with the world?
From what little I knew of Wilde, the answer was no. He was an annoying overachiever. At least where writing was concerned. His personal life — well, that was another story that didn’t have a happy ever after or a love conquers all.
I was deflecting again, filling my head with random thoughts instead of focusing on what I needed to do.
Picking up my phone, I read over Ashton’s reply again, words I now knew by heart, and still the words I wanted to write wouldn’t come.
By this point, I was beyond frustrated, not just with myself, but with my mind-replaying images from Ashton’s last livestream.
The more I felt drawn towards him, the more I pushed him away, or at least tried to.
Except every time I closed my eyes, there he was.
His eyes called to me, and his smile tugged at my heart.
I’d never been good at decision-making, and yes, I knew Ev was going to take matters into his own hands if I didn’t get my arse in gear. It’s just...I didn’t know how to take that first step, and I’d never needed to talk to my dad so much.