12. Ally
Chapter 12
Ally
Four months later, Saturday, March 3
Brother and sister bonding time
Saturday night and I’m at home in a satin nightgown, practicing my Juilliard audition piece, when a knock on my bedroom door interrupts me. “Yeah?”
The door opens and Dan leans against the frame, grinning at me. “Sounding good.”
I love that smile. I swear he gets more handsome with each day.
“Just wanted to let you know I’m home in case you decide to take a break and want to watch a movie with me,” he says. “Or I can help with your audition.”
My audition is in one week and has been a major cause of stress. I can perform all day, in front of anyone, anywhere, but I have a mental block when it comes to auditioning. My therapist tells me, as with most issues in my life, the mental block stems from the domestic violence we lived with—being in a stressful environment and feeling trapped.
Whenever I audition, the nerves take control of me. My fingers don’t move with fluency. Sometimes, I forget which notes to play. Worst case scenario, I have a panic attack. It’s happened twice before.
It can’t happen again for my Juilliard audition.
Dan has been so amazing, talking me through my fears and helping me practice the breathing technique that worked so well the night of the beach party. The panic attacks have been happening far less frequently, and thanks to Dan, I’m now able to self-regulate my emotions without medication when I feel an oncoming episode. I love how supportive Dan is and how he always believes in me.
I’m keen for a break from the piano and to watch a movie. In Dan’s language, the movie invitation is code for let me hold you while we watch a movie . This is what we do each time we watch anything, just the two of us, and I never turn down an opportunity to be in Dan’s arms.
He always holds me the way I imagine a boyfriend would, and I love it. I get butterflies in my tummy when I sit in his lap and his stubble brushes against my cheek. The scent of his cologne is hypnotic. Sometimes I’ll even feel his erection on my back. I get wet from feeling his dick and knowing he’s turned on.
Everything feels so adult and intense between us, even though we’ve never done anything sexual with each other. At least, that’s how Dan makes me feel. For him, we’re probably the definition of innocence, considering the amount of sex he’s had.
“I thought you were out playing poker with Felix?”
“I finished early.” He shrugs, sounding a little off. “I’m going to take a shower. So, you keen for a movie?”
Only now, when Dan reaches for the bathroom door handle, do I realize what’s different about him. Dan’s hair is ruffled. There’s something red on his white collar. Lipstick.
My chest twists with jealousy. He wasn’t out with Felix at all tonight. He was with a girl.
“Um… No movie tonight. I’m too busy to take a break.” I keep the jealousy out of my voice because it has no place being there.
“Damn. Okay, the beautiful maestro is hard at work. I’ll let you get back to it.”
The door shuts and I collapse on my bed, screaming into a pillow. I’m not angry at Dan for having sex, if that’s what he was doing earlier tonight. Our situation is complicated and we’re in no way committed to each other. After his seventeenth birthday, I’m the one who insisted he continue sleeping around.
Since then, I’ve grown more attached to him and it’s wrong. Everything about us is wrong, from the way he calls me his queen, to how I sleep in his bed and undress in front of him. I shouldn’t do any of those things. But the way Dan makes me feel, I can’t stop myself. At least we’re not having sex; that’s how I justify my behavior.
If I had the ability to talk to other guys, I’d be trying to date them to expel this sexual frustration Dan fills me with. But the depressing truth is I’m eighteen, a virgin, and awkward as hell around the opposite sex.
I hear the shower turn on, and sigh, removing the pillow from my face. Dan is cleaning up, probably so I don’t smell the scent of sex on him. My mind wanders to thoughts of what Dan did tonight with that girl, whoever she is.
What does he think about while having sex? That the girl is beautiful? That he can’t get enough of her body? That he needs her and that the act of making her come is all it takes to make him finish? Does he use protection, or does he get off on coming inside her without a condom?
I can’t take the thoughts for a second longer. They’re pure agony. I have never hated something more in my life. I want him to know what he does to me. How fucked up I am over needing him but never having him. I want him to be so goddamn obsessed with me that he never looks at another girl again. It’s just me he sees and fucks and comes inside of. My God, I want him to come inside of me so fucking badly. I want it dripping down my legs.
My hand slips beneath my panties, too overcome by the constant ache between my thighs to care that what I’m about to do is wrong. I let my mind wander to those nights we share a bed, with his hand fastened around my waist.
Giving in to the fantasy, I imagine that his hand moves lower. I think about Dan’s hot breath on my neck, his voice whispering dirty things into my ear, telling me how much he wants me and how he’d give anything to be inside me.
The bathroom door opens and I pull my hand out of my panties at lightning speed, hot with embarrassment when I see Dan standing in the doorway. He’s wearing black track pants with no shirt, his brown hair is damp, and he’s busy hanging his towel on the towel rack.
A rush of relief fills me when I realize he didn’t catch me touching myself.
Dan finishes with the towel and looks at me. “You sure I can’t tempt you with a movie—” His gaze narrows on me, curious and studying, finding me on my back, propped on my elbows with my nightgown hiked up.
I’m wrong. He does know. Dan stares at my cheeks which are flushed with the evidence of what I’ve just been doing. His gaze darkens, his jawline stiffening, and I think I’m about to die with humiliation.
“Don’t stop.” The words leave his mouth, low and gravelly, and are the last thing I expected to hear.
“I wasn’t…” I can’t finish the sentence. I’m pinned beneath his gaze, unable to move.
He swallows hard, the muscles in his throat straining. “Giving yourself an orgasm?”
I’m so hot that I can’t speak. My heart is pounding like I’ve never experienced before, pumping adrenaline all through my body. Slowly, I shake my head to answer Dan’s question, my gaze never leaving his. “I don’t know how. I’ve never…”
“You’ve never had an orgasm?”
“I’ve tried before. I can never get myself there unless I think of…” I won’t allow myself to speak his name out loud. Though, I get the sense he can tell where my answer was heading. “It feels… wrong.”
“That’s the whole fun of it.” A flicker of amusement enters his voice. “I think deep down, you like doing the wrong thing. Why resist it? The more wrong it is, the better it feels, Ally.”
Hearing him speak my name makes my clit pulse so hard that I clench my legs.
He contemplates me for a long moment with torment in his eyes. I’ve caught him looking at me many times over the years with desire, but this is something different. It’s dangerous and starved, like he’s been pushed beyond breaking point. My new favorite expression.
“Poor little thing,” he finally says, his voice deep and smooth. “All this time, rubbing up against my dick in bed, letting me tease your perfect tits. You must be so backed up. And you don’t even know how to relieve yourself. I fuck my fist like crazy over you.”
“You do?” I murmur.
“Every day. Let me teach you how to take care of yourself, little sister.”
My pussy tightens, hearing the label Dan just used for me in this moment of all. I realize how true his previous statement is. The more wrong it is, the better it feels. I must be really fucked up in the head because I’ve never felt more alive than in this moment. I’ve never wanted something so much as what he’s describing. For Dan to teach me.
But fear makes me hesitate. “Our parents are home. They’re in the next room over.”
“Then I guess you’ll have to be quiet.” He groans, running a hand down his groin and drawing my attention to the tented erection in his pants.
I should have more common sense than to continue with this. Aside from it being wrong, this will change things between me and Dan going forward. Our friendship. Everything. Will I even be able to look at him the same without being flooded with embarrassment?
Those are all the thoughts that enter my mind, but none of them win against the way my body begs to be relieved after years of pent-up sexual tension.
“What do I do?” I whisper.
“Take your clothes off.”
I stand from the bed, barely believing my actions and that I have the confidence to go through with this. But I do. Dan draws out a depraved side of me. He’s always made me want to do things I shouldn’t.
My hands shake as I push the nightgown straps off my shoulders. I let the dress drop to the floor, pooling around my feet and exposing my breasts as I stand in front of Dan.
I always expected to feel vulnerable and self-conscious being this naked in front of a guy, but the way Dan watches me has me feeling the opposite, like I’m the one person in this world who has power over him.
Dan groans when I slide my panties down, his gaze never faltering from my smooth pussy.
My heart races and I’m unsure what to do next, yet incredibly aroused. “Can we… turn the lights off?”
“No. I want to see all of you. Lie on the bed,” he instructs. His voice is commanding, like nothing I’ve ever heard from him. It’s intimidating yet at the same time, I like seeing this side of him. I like being his girl and for him to do what he wants with me, even if it’s only for a few minutes. I trust Dan and can’t imagine myself ever doing this with anyone else.
Following his words, I lie on my back.
Dan steps closer, the muscles in his arms flexing as he rests his hands on the footrail of my bed, watching me. “Stroke your clit.”
I reach down, my hand trembling as I place my index finger on my clit and stroke.
“Use all of your fingers. Not just one.”
I change my technique, a gasp leaving my lips at the added pleasure.
“Feel better?”
I nod, my fingers moving back and forth.
Dan watches me, his eyes fixed on my hand, his breath growing audible. “What’s a thought that turns you on?”
“You, fucking me.” I can’t believe I spoke the fantasy out loud. But then again, I can’t believe any of the things I’m doing in this moment. No point holding back now. “You, fucking only me. You want me and no one else. No other girl turns you on.”
His gaze flicks to mine with disbelief, every muscle in his body freezing. “You think I’m attracted to other girls?”
My hand stops moving. “I know you are. You have sex?—”
“Listen to me carefully, Ally,” his voice comes out low but assertive. “Those other girls mean nothing. They’re a distraction. A coping mechanism because I can’t have you. You’re the only one I want. You want me to stop seeing them? I will. I’ll do anything to please you, Queen.”
His words send a rush of pleasure through my core, exiting my body with a moan.
Dan smirks at my reaction. “Use your imagination. That’s what I do. I think about you riding my dick and it gets me off every time.”
My hips buck at that visual, my clit desperately seeking out friction after hearing Dan’s confession. I continue rubbing, needing release from the throbbing ache deep within me.
He wants me. Only me.
He jerks off to the thought of only me.
He’ll stop sleeping with the other girls.
“Fuck. Look at you. Desperate little thing. That’s it, Ally,” Dan purrs. “Move your hand faster. Imagine my cock filling you up, stretching you out. Feel how good it is.”
I close my eyes, picturing Dan’s strong body pressing against mine, his cock sliding deep inside me. I can imagine his fingers gripping my hips, and his breath hot on my neck. My hand moves faster, my breathing becoming more jagged.
The fantasy sends shivers of arousal through me, building with intensity, and more sounds leave my lips that I never knew I was capable of. I lose myself to the moment, shedding all embarrassment and following what feels good. My hand moves even faster, my hips lifting off the bed in time with my fingers. My heart is hammering in my chest and sweat breaks out on my forehead.
“You’re getting close, aren’t you?” Dan asks, his voice husky. I open my eyes, finding just how pained and tormented he looks, and loving it. “Slow down, I’m not through with our lesson yet.”
I follow his guidance, feeling the pleasure of what must be an oncoming orgasm back off.
“Keep rubbing your clit. Take your other hand and slide your fingers inside your pussy.”
I gasp at his direction, never having done this to myself before, but I obey, being so needy, and slowly slide a finger into my wet entrance. The feeling is foreign and intense, drawing another moan from me.
“I can only imagine how tight you are. Put another finger in,” he commands, his words firm.
It’s a tight fit, but I manage to slide another finger inside. Pleasure courses through me at the fullness, making my pussy clench around my fingers.
“Three,” he says, growing more insistent.
I push a third finger inside, feeling my resistance fading with each finger.
“Spread yourself open. Show me how wet you are,” he instructs.
I do as he says and gain so much satisfaction as Dan’s eyes widen at the sight, his breath catching in his throat.
“So fucking hot,” he murmurs, his hands fisted around the footrail. “Keep going, Ally. Fuck yourself with your hand. Show me how much you want this.”
I do as he says, my fingers moving in and out of my wetness while stroking my clit. My gaze remains on Dan, every now and then trailing down to his hard cock and wishing it would replace my hand.
“Now it’s time to make yourself feel truly good,” he says. “Go faster and squeeze your pussy tight around your fingers.”
I do, purposefully clenching my inner muscles, and an unexpected cry of pleasure leaves my lips.
Dan hushes me, fighting a grin as he glances at the door. “You don’t want our parents hearing what we’re doing in here, do you?”
“Ally?” My mom calls out, and I go instantly still with horror. She could walk in on us at any second. I didn’t lock the door. How could I be so stupid? “Are you okay?”
Dan’s eyes are back on me, his voice stern. “Don’t you dare stop fucking your fingers. Answer her.”
“I’m fine,” I call out, plunging my fingers into my pussy as I fight to keep my voice normal. My voice cracks at the very end but I don’t think Mom notices. She doesn’t say anything else, and I hear her footsteps disappear.
“Good girl,” Dan says. “Let’s practice squeezing again.”
My pussy clenches and releases, building the tension of what I know must be an orgasm.
Dan watches me, his eyes never leaving my hand, his breathing ragged. “Such a quick learner. Now, imagine your pussy is squeezing around my cock. Can you imagine how good that would feel?”
“Yes,” I whisper, my voice shaking. I can imagine it so clearly, his cock sliding inside me, hitting all the right spots.
“Are you enjoying this, Ally?” he asks.
I nod, my cheeks flushed and my breath coming quicker. “Yes. I’ve needed this for so long.”
He swallows hard, watching my hand. “You want to come, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
Dan leaves his post at the foot of my bed and kneels on the ground beside me, his fingers gently brushing my hair back from my face. “You’re so beautiful, Ally. So sexy. I can’t believe you’ve never done this to yourself.”
I can’t believe it either. I never knew I could feel this good.
“You’re going to be doing this every day from now on, aren’t you? Playing with your pussy. Making yourself feel good.”
I nod.
“And each day, you’re going to imagine my cock is filling you up. Imagine how good it would feel to have me inside you.”
I start to see stars.
“Faster,” he says, his voice like velvet.
My breathing quickens. My heart is racing and I lose myself in the pleasure, my body on fire.
“ Faster , Ally. You’re so close. I know you can do it.”
Pure ecstasy bursts through my entire body and I cry out, having no control over how loud I am. Dan smirks, full of satisfaction as he covers my mouth with his hand, protecting us from being discovered. My body arches off the bed as the most intense sensations spread through me.
This is an orgasm? This is what I’ve been missing out on all these years? I’m addicted already. My pussy clenches so incredibly tight around my fingers, and my entire body shakes with pleasure.
As the waves of my orgasm begin to subside, I collapse back onto the bed, my breath coming in gasps.
Dan releases his hand from my mouth, and I look up at him in a daze. What we’ve just done together never should have happened, yet I can’t bring myself to regret any of it. I love the way he praises me for doing something so wrong.
Dan stands up, the smirk gone, replaced with harsh depravity. “Now that you know how to give yourself an orgasm, be a good girl and practice lots. Don’t deprive yourself of what you need.” He walks to the bathroom door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob as he looks back at me. “Don’t enter my bed tonight, Ally. I won’t be able to behave myself after what I just witnessed.”