Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
JESSE
C asey slept in her usual position, curled on her side, her hand over my heart. As I often did when I watched her, the oddest thoughts came into my head. Tonight, it felt as if she were protecting my heart—the way she had fiercely protected me earlier.
I’d wondered on occasion how I would feel if I ran into a member of my family—or Miriam.
I certainly hadn’t thought I would run into them all at once the way we did tonight.
I’d dreaded the possibility, worried about the emotional impact.
I’d thought it would bring up the painful memories and the recollections of that terrible span of time when my entire life turned upside down.
Yet, all I felt when I looked at them was relief.
I felt no lingering emotions for any of them.
Miriam had killed any tender thoughts I’d ever had of her.
My brother had always been difficult to deal with—his constant need to one-up me on every level left me exhausted, so the only feeling I had toward him was one of ambivalence.
I didn’t care at all. In the time after my parents had informed me it was more important to have Miriam around than my hurt feelings, I had delved into my life growing up, being their son.
I had realized, somehow, I had never been treated the same as Ryan.
Never loved the same, if even at all. I knew my mother and her father had bad blood between them, and in retrospect, I wondered if because I looked like him, she found it difficult to be close to me.
Whatever the reason, when I walked away, I felt free. No longer the son who didn’t quite meet their expectations. And seeing them tonight, I felt only the briefest flash of sadness.
I was a different person now, and I no longer needed their approval.
Casey stirred, muttering a little under her breath, and I watched as she curled in closer, her arm tightening on my waist. She liked to be held when she slept. And surprisingly, I liked holding her. She smelled sweet, and her body felt right pressed into mine. It relaxed me.
I tucked a strand of her long, dark hair behind her ear, recalling her strength earlier.
Her cutting words to the people who had hurt me so much.
I had meant it when I told her no one had ever stood up for me that way.
My parents always took Ryan’s side. When I thought about it later, so had Miriam.
She always encouraged me to let it go, to be the bigger person.
I never realized it until it was too late.
The looks on their faces when Casey spoke, her words cutting but honest, were priceless.
I had wanted to simply walk away since I had nothing to say to them.
They knew where I lived, and if they had wanted to reach out at any time, they could have.
But Ryan, being Ryan, couldn’t let the chance pass to get in a dig or two.
He hadn’t planned on having his ass handed to him by the woman who stood beside me.
Miller got up from where he slept in his bed by the window and turned around.
Barney lifted his head and waited as Miller curled back up, then made himself comfortable and settled back to sleep.
The two of them were amusing to watch. I never thought my dog would have a cat for a best friend and would sleep with him every night.
I glanced down at Casey. I never thought my pain-in-the-ass tenant would be sleeping in my bed beside me.
It was a very domesticated routine we had going.
We ate together most of the time. She slept here almost every night.
Her toothbrush hung beside mine in the bathroom.
Some of her clothing was here. Some of mine was next door.
I thought of the future. How long this would go on for. I was startled to realize I hoped it would be forever. I could see a day when this was our life. Together. When the wall between us was gone and the house was ours, not mine. This room belonged to both of us.
My heartbeat picked up as reality hit me.
I was falling in love with Casey. Something I swore I would never do again.
I had vowed I would never allow someone—anyone—to have that power over me once more.
The ability to hurt me. Yet with Casey, it had just happened.
Her warmth had seeped under my skin and into my heart, kicking down the walls I had erected. She had done it without even trying.
Her smiles, her teasing, her onion gravy.
All of it. She never demanded. She barely asked for anything.
She was constantly doing little things that made my life better.
She could make a bad day good again simply by being close.
She took my grumpiness and surly behavior and rolled with it.
She never told me to change—she let me be me.
And the me lately was different from the me she first met. People had noticed it. I had started to notice it. Things that annoyed me before no longer did. I started finding the joy in life again.
All because of her.
I blinked as the truth hit me. I wasn’t falling in love with her.
I did love her.
I sighed as I pressed a kiss to her brow.
“I love you,” I whispered, trying out the words—ones I never thought I would say again.
She didn’t stir, sleeping soundly. But the words felt right. Real. They rolled off my tongue easily.
Could she love me back? She cared—I knew that. And we were great together. We fit so well. Could she move past her fear and admit what she felt was love as well?
I had to get her to try.
I didn’t want to lose her. I wasn’t sure I would recover this time.
CASEY
It took everything in me not to react. I had been awake for a while, knowing he was awake as well. I’d thought he was brooding over the run-in with his family.
It was much worse.
He was imagining himself in love with me.
I forced myself to remain where I was, keeping my body relaxed even as my mind raced.
I didn’t want this.
I would be gone in a few months, moving on to my next adventure. That was how I lived my life. How I had been taught to live. I didn’t want to change it. Love was nothing but hurt. Love made you do stupid things.
And the life it created was fraught with fears.
I tried to imagine being here with Jesse. Staying with him. What would happen when the newness wore off? When everything I did no longer amused but annoyed him? When he decided he no longer loved me? Or even worse, he realized he never had?
If we did try, I knew he wanted children.
I had no idea how to be a mother. Mine hadn’t been a good example.
What if I was like her? What if I allowed myself to love Jesse—would I put everything and everyone below the love I had for him?
Would I love him more than a child we had together and put his wants and needs before anything and everything else? Including my own well-being?
I couldn’t risk it.
Jesse was asleep now, his breathing deep and even. I glanced up at his face, relaxed in slumber. I cared about him. I enjoyed his company. I found his grumpiness amusing. His protectiveness was sexy. But I didn’t love him.
I wasn’t sure I was capable of love. Not the kind he deserved.
Why did he have to fall in love with me?
I felt a wave of sadness when I asked myself why I couldn’t love him back.
I realized I wouldn’t be able to stay once he knew that.
And that made me want to weep.
I slipped from his bed as early as I could without disturbing him.
He was used to my odd schedule the same way I was used to his.
He knew clients called and texted at all hours.
That I was often up early to fix problems—there were emergencies I handled in the middle of the night sometimes, although I tried to keep those to a minimum.
I headed downstairs, making coffee and carrying a cup to my desk.
I had a few things I had to take care of, but I found myself unable to concentrate.
I flipped back and forth between emails, halfheartedly attempting to work on one particular problem.
I heard the sounds of Jesse next door and braced myself for him.
Then I laughed under my breath. It wasn’t like he was going to waltz in and declare his love in a loud voice.
Knowing Jesse, he would mull it over, overthink it, and with any luck, realize he was simply reacting to the events of last night and keep his little words to himself.
We’d carry on as if I’d heard nothing. But I knew my time here might have to be shorter than I planned.
And once again, a rush of sadness hit me. Leaving here was going to be hard.
Possibly the hardest thing I had ever done.
Jesse came in, carrying his coffee. He shook his head when he saw me at the desk, bending and pressing a kiss to my head. “Always working.”
I forced a smile to my face. “You know it.”
He sat down. “I have to take the truck in for an oil change, then go meet with the chief to get my new schedule. I assume you’ll be busy with your usual stuff—hacking into people’s private lives, conquering the world one program at a time?” he teased.
I relaxed. He was just Jesse. There were no heart eyes, no declarations. Maybe he’d been dreaming and I’d thought he was awake.
“Yep.”
“Do you have time for breakfast first? I was going to make pancakes.”
Jesse made great pancakes. His repertoire of recipes was limited, but his pancakes were stellar.
“I could be persuaded.”
He lifted his mug to his lips, a sexy smirk on his face. “Any preferred method of persuasion?” he asked, his voice low and sexy.
I laughed at him. “The word pancakes did it.”
“Dammit,” he said with a grin. “Losing my touch already.” He stood. “Pancakes coming up. If you want bacon, though, that’s your job. I burn that shit every time.”
I followed him—because what were pancakes without bacon?
He threw a wink over his shoulder. “Thought so. We make a great team, Pix. The best.”