Chapter 63
63
Jacqui’s house was unexpected. Detached and double-fronted, with a leafy garden and a shiny SUV on the gravel drive, I was not prepared for this level of solid respectability.
As I lingered outside, trying to find the courage to press the doorbell, it felt as if my actual blood was trembling. What if she still hated me? What if we were just too different now? While we’d been estranged there was always hope. But that could dissolve right here, in the unforgiving light of reality.
Before I’d even touched the bell, the smartly painted front door was opening—and there was Jacqui, reconfigured as a sexy yoga mom: glowing skin, shiny, swingy hair and long, toned legs in sleek leggings.
Color flooded her face, our eyes met and my heart hopped into my throat. The eye contact lasted too long to be comfortable. “I saw you coming.” She sounded flustered. “I was waiting by the…So, ah, come on in.”
As I followed her down the hall, she said, over her shoulder, “You look great.”
“So do you.”
“What have you had? Botox?”
“Oh my God, yes .” Suddenly I was on more solid ground. “And fillers, Profhilo, whatever is going.”
“Have you had the Morpheus facial?” she asked. “Sweet Jesus, the agony . Even though they gave me Oxy.”
“You got Oxy ? How’d you manage that!” We were in a beautiful, light-filled kitchen-living space, painted in Instagram gray.
“I know the right doctors.” She threw me a wink, suddenly behaving like her old self. She pointed at a long table in pale wood. “Sit down. Will we chance a wine or stick to tea?”
I wasn’t sure. Maybe some lubrication would help. But too much and things might get messy.
“Fuck it,” she said. “I need the wine. Red, white, pink or orange?”
“Pink. But just half a glass, I’m driving. That’s Claire’s car.” I nodded towards the front. “It’s too sensitive and too fast. If I as much as take a deep breath, it accelerates like a rocket.”
We hahaha’d weakly.
Busying herself with glasses and a corkscrew, Jacqui asked, “Have you had a thread lift?”
“No. I don’t know why but the thought gives me the shudders.”
“Yeah, me too . There’s this woman I know, well, a friend of a friend, actually I’ve never met her but she was out having dinner with Paul Mescal’s mother, or maybe it was his auntie? Anyway, one of the threads snapped and half her chin toppled into her dinner. Could you imagine ?”
“Holy smoke .”
As soon as Jacqui sat—close to me, at an angle—all the breezy chat about injectables dried up.
“Cheers.” She touched her glass off mine. “I think?” Then, “Holy fuck, this is wild.”
“Thanks for seeing me.”
“Oh. Well. When Joey told me…It seemed like a good idea, you know?”
Right. Here we go. “So. Tell me how you’ve been.”
“Good. Grand. We left New York, Trea and me, I don’t know, twelve, thirteen years ago? I have a little boy, Ollie, he’s nine. I got married to Ollie’s dad, Griff. He’s great. Really great. And Trea loves him. I work in guest relations in Arcadia—”
“That’s—”
“—‘the most expensive hotel in Ireland’?” She rolled her eyes. “It used to be, when it opened, was it five years ago? I don’t know now. My hours are regular, which is what I care about. I have no idea how I did it in New York, all that late-night stuff. So what’s going on with you?”
“I left New York in October. Angelo and I broke up. Officially, about a year ago, but much longer, really. Mutual. Amicable. As good as a break-up can be.”
“Aaaand…?” Out of nowhere, tension flared. “What’s the story with you and Joey?”
“We were working together.”
“Something to do with Brigit’s spa, he said.” Her face had colored up again. Oh my God, she was starting to cry.
“Sorry, I didn’t think I was going to…” Fat tears landed on her hands. She jumped up, grabbed a roll of kitchen paper and sat again, a sheet of it pressed to her face. “Anna, you and I, we were so close. To me, we were nearly the same person. And you did the one thing friends aren’t ever supposed to do.”
Desperately, I said, “I didn’t, though.”
“He kissed you. You didn’t tell me. There was an emotional affair. Whatever you did, Joey thought he was in love with you.”
“There was no emotional—”
“You should have told me.” She was crying hard now. She waved her sheet of paper. “I’m not crying because of him, but because of you. It would have been hard finding out about him with anyone. But that it was you was absolute agony.”
“Oh, Jacqui…” Tentatively, I put my hand on her back.
“It reminded me of when we were in school, teenagers. The ones I liked always wanted you.”
What?
“Remember Rozzer? He was one of the few tall ones. My choices were so limited. You came up to his knee and he still fancied you.”
I had only the vaguest memory of a Rozzer.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the kiss, Jacqui. I didn’t want to hurt you. I was afraid you’d blame me. But those things happened anyway.” As the memories of that time came back, I was also crying. “I was terrified of losing you. You were the only person I felt safe with.”
“I know.” She sobbed. “That’s what’s so bad. After Aidan died, I carried you, Anna. You relied on me totally. Then you stabbed me in the back—”
“I didn’t—”
“—and you were not easy to be with, Anna. I don’t know if you know that. You had this…face, like you were made of concrete. Gray, flat, you never smiled. You were zero craic. I started to think you were enjoying it, like, ‘poor, tragic Anna’? Joey used to tell me that I was taking advantage of you and that pissed me off so much because, literally, I was the only person in your life. You didn’t want to see anyone else, remember? Said you’d be no craic—that was for fucking sure! I thought it would be like that forever, taking care of Trea and taking care of you.” She took a mouthful of wine, then stared sullenly at nothing.
After a long, loaded silence, I dared to ask, “Is there more?”
“Yes! Yes, there is. Anna, I thought you were happy to mind Trea, that it gave you a sense of purpose. Then, out of the blue, you’re buying an apartment at the bottom of Manhattan, you might as well have moved to Pennsyl-fucking- vania ! I’m wondering what’s up, you start giving me pass-agg vibes and next thing, you’re hanging out with Angelo—a Feathery Stroker ! Anna! Then you start showing Feathery Stroker tendencies, like going to energy vortexes and other mad stuff. I mean, seriously. You go from being a craic-less slab to being a Feathery Stroker’s moll!”
Painful as it was to hear, this was her side of a story which had several versions. And I’d forgotten what a great turn of phrase she had.
“I was like, Where’s Anna? I want my Anna back!” She inhaled sharply. “Then! After the shit-show at Trea’s birthday party, Joey fucking tells me he’s in love with you. It’s obvious now he hasn’t a clue what love is but at the time all I could think was, There’s poor tragic Anna effortlessly stealing this man I’m insane about. Insane being the accurate word.” Tearful and red-faced, she stared at the table, breathing heavily.
In the silence that followed, I felt her every feeling. She’d wanted tenderness from Joey. Not only had he withheld it from her, the mother of his child, he’d given it to me, one of the two millstones around her neck. No wonder she’d been so angry. The mix of jealousy, betrayal and exhaustion would have had me lashing out too.
“I get it.” I put my arms around her and squeezed her tight.
“Thanks.” She snuffled into my shoulder.
Eventually, I found the courage to ask, “How do you feel about him now?”
She cry-laughed. “Last-man-on-earth stuff. Wouldn’t touch it. Look, I wasn’t doing so well back then. Having a baby is the biggest, maddest thing. My entire world had changed and I was wrecked always . Being a single mother, which I mostly was, was hard. I couldn’t go out and have fun and you were, like I said, no craic. I thought if I could make Joey love me, everything would be okay.
“When I’d been back in Ireland a few months, I stopped being so mental. Me trying to ‘tame Joey.’ Doomed! Would I have even wanted him if he was tamed? Then I met Griff and he’s funny and sexy, but not a sociopath.”
“…You mean Joey’s a sociopath?”
“Yeah.” Then, “Look, I don’t know exactly what a sociopath is—”
“They can’t feel empathy. According to Rachel.”
“Oh, really? Maybe he’s a narcissist, so. Or just a gaslighter. Whatever it is, it’s not good.” After more thought, she said, “Ah, look, what do I know? He’ll never be my favorite person but…I suppose he does his best. Himself and Trea are thick as thieves. Full credit, he always tried with her. Maybe I was too hard on him in New York but I was sleep-deprived and craic-deprived and all I could see were the ways everyone was fucking me over.”
“He always tried with Trea?”
“Well, yeah. Decent with money and she spent every second weekend with him and Gaz. Even when we moved back here, he flew over once a month and stayed for three or four days.”
“You kept saying he was the worst dad in the world.” And at the time, I’d believed it.
“But I was angry, heartbroken, off my rocker…To be fair, when I got pregnant, he told me upfront he didn’t want to be a dad. I was so jealous of his other girls. Handsome Karl wanted to bone me day and night and I hated him because he wasn’t Joey. And I was always so tired and you—”
“—were a craic-less slab and a millstone around your neck.”
Jacqui paused, unsettled. “I shouldn’t have said that. Oh, Anna, I’m sorry. Thing is, back then I didn’t understand how it was for you. But my dad died six years ago—”
“I heard. I’m sorry. I wanted to send a card but—”
“—and I get it now, how it is when a person dies, it’s not like it looks in the movies. You’ve no choice about what feelings come for you. You can’t just decide to stop being mental.”
Then she said, “Go on. Your go now. I’m having another wine. You sure you don’t want one?”
“Certain.” This was potentially volatile. A quick getaway could become necessary.
Nervously, I began giving my side. “I became…resentful that you thought I was always on call for Trea—”
“—I was giving you something to do!” Then, “Sorry. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Keep going.”
“But you’re right, for a long time, I was glad to have something to do. When I started to change, I was too scared to tell you. Too tired, too full of grief and guilt, too lots of things. I wish I could have been different.” Then I blurted, “Jacqui, I’m so sorry about Joey. Hand on heart, at the time, I swear I had no interest in him.”
“But you were mad about him when we first went to New York.”
“That didn’t last. And after Aidan died…” I shook my head. “It was years before I could think about another man and when I was able, it had to be Angelo, because he was such a…”
“Feathery Stroker?”
I actually laughed. “Exactly. Honest to God, he was exactly what I needed. But the thing is, I did care about Joey. I felt…so sad for the younger him. And kind of buried in me was this idea that if he could be a perfect version of himself—you know, not terrified of commitment—then I’d let myself fancy him. But he couldn’t, so I didn’t.”
She studied me. “Did you know he fancied you? How could you not? He told me he was in love with you.”
“And you said he doesn’t know what love is.”
“Ah, maybe he does,” she conceded. “He loves his many, many children.”
For no reason, I found that extremely funny.
“Speaking of which, have you met Elisabeth? Oh, Anna! She’s so jolly hockey sticks. You think you were no fun after Aidan? Ha! You could have taken lessons from Elisabeth. First time I met her, I wanted to have Joey sectioned for his own good.”
I snorted with laughter. No one was as funny as Jacqui. No one.
“I will never understand what he saw in her. She’s got the longest face on Planet Earth, her chin is down to her actual belly button. And her clothes! Anna, it’s a literal crime. All that money and she dresses like a Quaker from the 1700s. Only thing she’s missing is one of those giant buckled hats.”
It was so mean but I couldn’t stop laughing.
“She’s so prissy . And she tried her best to make him prissy too.” In strangled, polite tones, Jacqui said, “?‘Och, Joseph, sit up straight.’ ‘Och, Joseph, will you say grace’?”
I was almost crying with laughter—a release of tension as much as amusement.
“By Christ, she took no shite from him, though!” Jacqui said. “I think that’s what he really liked. He likes them bossy.” With a smirky side-eye, she said, “You were bossy with him, weren’t you?”
“Not on purpose. Only trying to persuade him to do what you wanted.”
“So what’s going on with the two of you now?”
If my friendship with Jacqui were to resume, it had to be built on honesty. “I’m…ah…mad about him.”
She swallowed hard and held up a finger. “Wait! Just checking my feelings. Small twinge but…looks like it’s gone. If you’re here looking for my blessing, go forth and let him rail you.”
“He won’t.”
“What? Rail you?” She rolled her eyes. “Is he still at that no-hookups madness? He’s over-correcting, that’s his problem.”
“Jacqui?” I took a breath. I’d never told another person what I’d done. Not Rachel, not Angelo, nobody. My own shame had kept me silent. But a strong urge to protect Joey had been in the mix: he’d been so humiliated. “I did something terrible to him about eight years ago.”
“Tell me.”
So I did.
“Was that such a bad thing to do?” Jacqui asked when I’d finished.
“Yes!”
“But…you know what he was like then. Shagger McShagger.”
“I hurt him—”
“Good enough for him!”
“—now he doesn’t trust me—”
“Taste of his own medicine!”
“—and he probably never will.”
“Right. I get you. Oh, Anna, what a mess. And tell me about this woman in Maumtully. Rose?”
I pounced. “You know about her?”
“He mentioned they were at some classical thing together on Sunday. What’s she like?”
“Two words: Hermès scarves.”
Jacqui used her two index fingers to make a cross. “This is baaaaad.”
“She’s polished. Ladylike. Cultured. Posh.”
“He loves those posh ones.” Jacqui shook her head. “What a weird kink.”
As I began to cry, it was Jacqui’s turn to do the comforting. “Oh, I’m sorry, babe.”
Through my tears, I said, “Did you ever think we’d see the day? You letting me cry on your shoulder about Joey Armstrong.”
“Welcome to the club. What took you so long?” Then, “I really missed you, Anna. I missed you the way you used to be. But I even missed you being a concrete slab.”
“I missed you too. To put it mildly.”
“I have other friends now. But none of them are…” Her voice began to wobble again. “…you. I got over him. But I never got over you. I’m so happy you’re here.” She looked up, her red, tear-stained face unexpectedly jubilant. “You and Joey working together, maybe the purpose—cosmically, like—was to bring you and me back together.”
“Actually, it coul—”
“Anna, stop, I’m pretending to be a Feathery Stroker.”
“I know, I know.” I was as gleeful as she was. “You’re the absolute best. I fucking love you!”
After that, I didn’t stay for much longer. “We need to manage our energy here,” I told her.
“You’re probably right. But you’ll come back?”
“Of course.”
On a total high, I drove to Margaret’s, went straight to bed and slept for thirteen dreamless hours. The following day, I was woken by Jacqui ringing.
“Anna?” she croaked. “Are you destroyed?”
“Oh God,” I whispered. “Completely. Every bit of me hurts.”
“It was a lot,” she said. “Yesterday. Wasn’t it?”
“But a good ‘a lot.’?”
“Totally. Any way.” She was suddenly cheerful. “You and me, we’re back in business. When can you come again? You have to meet Trea, Ollie and Griff. And I’ll come to M’town. I’m going to fix you up with some man—”
“Oh, Jacqui, noooo.”
“Oh, Anna, yesss! Soon it’ll be: Joey who? You’ll see.”