19. Harper
CHAPTER NINETEEN
HARPER
I’m crying angry tears as soon as I leave the rooftop garden. Dad and Tyler are sitting in the living room, talking. I have vague memories of Dad checking in on me over the last few days. The two of us have a lot to discuss, but I’m too worked up over Felix and head straight for my room.
“Honey, what’s happened?” Dad calls after me.
“It’s Felix. We got into a fight. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I’m sorry, I need to be alone right now.” I shut myself in my bedroom and fall onto my bed, screaming into a pillow.
The door opens a moment later. I look up, finding Dad and Tyler at the foot of my bed.
“What happened with Felix?” Dad asks.
“Mom died and where has Felix been? He was a son to her. I know he doesn’t like me, but I thought, given our childhood, he would have at least?—”
“Harper,” Tyler gently hushes. “You’re confused. Felix has been with you non-stop. He’s refused to leave your side.”
“Where was he today when I woke up? ”
Dad sits beside me on the bed and places a hand on my shoulder.
“Honey, Felix was with me today. He took me to the funeral home and helped me make arrangements for your mother’s service.
I couldn’t have done it without him. He was incredible.
He wanted to honor your mother and for you to have a good send-off for her. ”
“He doesn’t care—” My words cut short when I realize what Dad said. The rage inside me vanishes, replaced with embarrassment.
When I took a bath earlier in the day, Tyler told me Felix hadn’t left my side, but I was too stubborn to believe it.
My face crumples and I’m crying again. “I’m a terrible person.”
Dad wraps me in a hug. “You’re not a terrible person. You’re dealing with a lot right now.”
“Felix will understand,” Tyler adds.
I want to run to Felix and tell him I’m sorry. At the same time, I’m too ashamed. I’m a sobbing mess. “I need to go to bed and sleep this whole thing off.”
I spend the next few hours tossing and turning, hoping for sleep but unable to get Mom off my mind, along with Felix and how poorly I spoke to him on the roof.
Tyler fell asleep beside me long ago. I know he would wake up to keep me company if I asked. But it’s Felix I need right now. In what way, I don’t know. I need to look into his eyes and see if everything Dad and Tyler spoke about him is true. If he really does care.
Being quiet, I slip out from bed and make my way two doors down the hall, careful to not be caught by my father.
After knocking and being met with no answer, I sneak inside the dark room, finding the balcony doors wide open and the curtains flowing in the wind.
Moonlight streams in, casting soft light upon Felix as he sleeps.
His blond hair is a mess. I like it, seeing him so at peace and vulnerable like this.
I step up to the bed and trace my eyes along his body.
The sheets only cover his lower half, and barely.
Though I can’t see much, I can tell he’s sleeping naked.
Through the dim moonlight, I see the outline of tattoos on his arms. I want a closer look to discover all the ink covering his body and what the artwork symbolizes.
Everything about Felix fascinates me. He’s frightening yet beautiful.
On the bedside table, I’m surprised to find my very first pair of pointe shoes. The ones I threw off the roof earlier this evening.
Felix collected the shoes, knowing what they symbolized to me.
A soft smile finds my lips, realizing everything Dad and Tyler said about Felix is true. He’s changed over the years, but the Felix I love is still inside him. He does care.
I should let him rest and return to my own bed. Instead, I crawl beneath the covers, being careful not to wake him.
He stirs, his heavy eyelids opening slightly. When he registers I’m here with him, he pulls me into his arms, hugging me tight and tucking my head beneath his chin.
This moment is what I’ve needed for so many years, more so now with the loss of my mother. There’s so much pain in me, yet being in his arms feels like I’m finally home.
I shudder with a silent cry. He holds me closer, kissing my forehead. “It’s okay. Let it all out. Cry. Be angry. Whatever you need.”
“Tyler told me everything. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d been with me the whole time. I didn’t know you helped my dad plan the funeral.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I never let you out of my arms.”
“Why? You’ve spent years hating me.”
“You know why.” He kisses my palm, then locks our fingers together, aligning our scars. “This, right here. You belong to me for life. ”
And just like that, no more clarification is needed.
I’ve always felt like my scars with Felix and Tyler have the most intimate meaning behind them, regardless of how young we were when we made them.
They were a promise written in blood, that we would always belong to each other, no matter what. I know they both feel it too.
“I spent years being angry with you,” Felix says. “But I never hated you. Not even close. I could never hate you. You’re so goddamn precious to me, Harper.”
I cry harder, pressing myself closer to Felix. I need to be as close to him as possible. And yet, there’s a feeling inside me like I can’t get him close enough. Like he’s about to vanish.
My leg hikes around Felix’s waist. His hand slides up beneath my nightdress, grabbing my ass and pulling me closer. He’s hard between my legs and I’m even more certain now that he’s naked. Yet, nothing about this moment feels inappropriate.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper. “I miss her so much. The worst part is I spent her last days being angry with her. She died not knowing how much I loved her.”
“She knew.”
“I want to believe she did, but I don’t know.”
“I understand the feeling,” he says softly, meeting my eyes.
“I have a lot of guilt over how I treated your mother. I barely remember my mom. My father is never around. Clara was the only positive parental figure in my life and I shut her out. The last conversation I had with her, she told me she loved me like her own son and she’d never give up on me.
I said the most fucked up things in return. ”
We both made mistakes in varying ways, but Felix understands the pain I’m feeling. He doesn’t try to sugarcoat anything or make me feel better. He lets me live in my emotions. I’ve never felt as bonded with him as I do in this moment.
My lips find their way to his. As with our first kiss in Felix’s car, he doesn’t kiss me back, even though I can feel from how hard he is between my legs that he wants this. There’s reservation in him, probably questioning whether fooling around is the right decision during our grief.
“You made me feel good that day in the car when you picked me up from ballet,” I murmur against his lips. “I want you to make me feel good again. Make me forget everything except you. Please . You asked me to beg you that day. Felix, this is me begging you to fuck me.”
He holds my cheek gently, but the dark look in his eyes clashes. “We can’t have sex, Harper. Not tonight. Not while your grief is so fresh.”
“ Please .” I kiss him again. “Don’t treat me like I’m delicate. I’m not.”
My hand slides down between us, desperate to feel his hardness.
Right before I wrap my fingers around him, Felix groans, flipping me onto my back.
He pins both my wrists above my head in one hand.
His other hand clasps my jaw, all while he thrusts between my legs, as good as fucking me if my panties weren’t still on.
My breath hitches at the tight hold he has me in. My hips work in time with him, meeting his every thrust, the friction building a delicious heat low within me.
“That’s it,” he praises. “Look at you, just as desperate for my cock as the last time. You love having my hand around your neck. I almost forgot you like being treated like the good slut that you secretly are. My little freak. My perfect freak. Don’t bury this side of yourself to please others.
You shine brightest when you let go and take what you want. ”
“Please, take my panties off.”
He thrusts again. “We’ll fuck eventually, once the grief has lessened.
I told you that day in my car, you’ll sneak into my room every night.
You’ll let me teach you how to ride my cock.
You’ll take it in every hole too. But not tonight.
When I fuck you, it won’t be because you need a distraction.
I won’t take any chances of you waking up tomorrow, regretting your choices. ”
“There’s no way I could regret?—”
Before I get the chance to finish speaking, Felix pulls my night dress over my head, just as quickly lowering my panties, leaving me naked beneath him.
“You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to visualize you naked,” he rasps, leaning back on his heels to drink in the sight of me.
It’s the first time I’ve been naked in front of a guy, and the hunger I see in his eyes as they rake over me has me burning up. I’m soaking wet, just as enthralled by his body.
“You’re more beautiful than I ever imagined. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve stroked my cock, draining it over the thought of you.”
He’s beautiful too, in a masculine way, with muscles defined in the moonlight. Intricate tattoos that I’ve yet to study. My gaze trails down, stopping at the thick length of his cock, standing up straight and glistening with pre-cum.
My core muscles clench with anticipation. I try to imagine how it will feel to have him inside me. He’s so big and long, I know it will hurt. But I don’t care. I need to be full. I need it to be Felix. And I need him every day.
He bends down and brings my nipple into his mouth. I clutch his shoulders, gasping at the pleasure that bursts through me. My legs tighten around his waist, and I feel the tip of his cock press against my entrance.