50. Harper
CHAPTER FIFTY
HARPER
It’s been one week of no Felix.
Tyler and I have returned home to my apartment.
We’ve done everything we can think of to track down Felix.
Even Cindy has gotten involved, which Tyler isn’t pleased about, but I’ve accepted all the help I can get.
I’ve called hospitals. Tyler has contacted police stations.
We’ve spoken to Felix’s friends. We approached Theo.
Everything has led to a dead end. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
I’ve cried every day. Every night, I sleep in the guest bedroom Felix occupied, clinging to his scent and hoping he’ll reappear.
Swan Lake is less than three months away and I’ve stopped dancing again because I’m so miserable.
The academy is under the impression I’m sick with the flu, but that will only buy me so much time.
Sometimes, I’m angry at Felix. I’ve questioned whether Josh is trying to protect him, as Tyler suggested. It’s the theory he’s set on. But every scenario that runs through my head leads me back to the same question. Why can’t Felix contact me?
Even without a phone, there are other ways he could reach me. Email. Social media. A public phone. A burner phone. We could take it back to basics with a goddamn letter. But it’s been radio silence.
When Felix first left, I was so sure there was a mistake. That something bad had happened to him. There’s no way he could have left after we’d shared such an intimate connection in the maze.
Having time to reflect on the situation, I now question how real that moment in the maze was. If it even happened. I was high on eclipse. That’s why the moment felt so special, not because we shared something profound.
Now, I’m starting to face a painful possibility, that the truth might be exactly what Josh said all along. I just didn’t want to accept his explanation because it hurt too much.
Tyler keeps telling me to trust in Felix. He tells me non-stop how much Felix loves me. I want to trust Felix, but with each passing day, it’s becoming more difficult to stay positive. It seems pretty clear to me that he wants to be left alone to deal with whatever argument he had with Josh.
“Knock, knock.” The door opens and my father steps inside, finding me lying in Felix’s bed. His presence is a surprise, until I remember him messaging me earlier in the week about his return flight.
Dad sits on the bed with me, resting a hand on my leg as I lie curled within the blankets. “Honey, Tyler told me what happened. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
“What did Tyler say?”
“That Felix left without a goodbye and you’re not handling his disappearance well. I know you were very attached to him.”
I wipe a stray tear from my face, my chin trembling. “I don’t understand why he couldn’t even say goodbye.”
My life had started getting back on track. Now it feels like I’m losing everything again. Not just Felix, but Tyler too. We haven’t had sex since Felix’s disappearance, nor have we slept in the same bed. We’re both so broken without him.
But the distance between me and Tyler goes beyond a lack of sex. Sometimes, it seems like Tyler struggles to look at me. He barely holds me. We haven’t kissed. I don’t understand what I’ve done for him to retreat from me this way. He’s like a ghost.
“Sweetheart, Felix is a reckless young man. We’ve seen a good side to him recently but there’s a deeply troubled side too.
A dangerous side. Perhaps it’s for the best that he’s taking some space.
I’ve always worried about him being around you.
I allowed it because he was such a comfort to you during this recent time of need.
But if this is how he treats you, I can’t welcome him back into our lives. ”
I don’t give my father a reply, knowing we have differing opinions. Felix is a good person. My mother saw the good in him too. But maybe I’m foolish for never giving up on Felix. Always holding hope.
“Harper.” Dad’s brow furrows. “There’s something else I’ve been made aware of. I don’t know if this is the best time to tell you…”
“Whatever it is, I can handle it.” Nothing can be worse than what I’m already dealing with.
“I’ve been informed Paul was the victim of a hit and run. His father told me he passed away a few days ago.”
I gasp, sitting up. “That’s terrible.” The words come out on autopilot. As the news sinks in, there’s part of me that feels bad for Paul. Mostly, I find it hard to commiserate after what he did to me.
“It’s tragic. But they say he died a hero. He sacrificed himself, pushing someone out of the driver’s path, and took the damage himself.”
A hero?
The word doesn’t land right. It spins in my head, at odds with everything I know about him. I scratch the back of my neck, confused and uneasy.
Felix and Tyler encouraged me to report Paul’s attack. I told myself I would. But now that he’s dead, what will it even accomplish? There are no consequences left for him. No one else is in danger. All it will do is hurt the people who are mourning him.
Still… Part of me wonders if they deserve to know the truth.
“The funeral is in a few days,” Dad says.
“I can’t attend. I didn’t know Paul well and Mom’s funeral is still too fresh in my mind.”
“I understand.” Dad kisses my forehead and rises from the bed. “Rest up, honey. But don’t rest for too long. You’ve just found your way back to ballet. Don’t let Felix’s absence destroy the fire in your heart for dance.”
“I’ve called in sick to the academy every day for the past week. I’m surprised I haven’t been cut from Swan Lake . My mood and attendance these last few months have been so inconsistent.”
“The academy understands your circumstances. You’ve been through a lot. You have the lead because you work so incredibly hard and are mesmerizing on stage.”
I watch as my father returns through the door, wondering if he’s right about ballet and putting Felix from my mind. Felix has left without any indication of when he’ll return. What could possibly be so dire, causing him to not contact me?
Frustration fills me again. Am I supposed to put my life on hold, waiting indefinitely for Felix to come back to me?
This performance of Swan Lake is perhaps the most important performance of my life, determining the trajectory of my career.
I don’t want to accept what my father says, but he makes a good point.
Maybe I need to let Felix deal with whatever he’s going through and focus on me.