Chapter 16
CHAPTER 16
That was not the answer I had been looking for. I stood up abruptly on wobbly legs and would have pitched forward if he hadn’t reached out and steadied me. “I’m going to bed.”
He let me go without another word.
I lurched upstairs. After the longest shower of my life, I pulled on a t-shirt and underwear before I wobbled to bed. I had no framework in which to process any of this. Despite repeatedly telling myself that Jackson didn’t want to marry me and that I needed to manage my expectations around this relationship, nothing could have prepared me for the idea of there being another woman in his life.
In New York, he had refused to talk about what he was doing at the hospital. He never mentioned his bad tour or the fact that in a moment of grief, he had abruptly ended a committed and long-term relationship.
I had married a stranger. A private closed off man who was very good at keeping secrets.
Tears blurred my eyes. Where did all of this leave Alien and me? Were we just bi-products of him acting out his grief in New York? Fear banded around my heart so tight I couldn’t breathe. This news changed everything. Everything had changed.
All those times when he had told me that he didn’t want commitment, I had made the erroneous assumption that he preferred to be alone. It was beyond shock and disbelief that he had been in a relationship for three long years. Who was she? What was she like? Did they laugh together? Did he wish she had been the one who had gotten pregnant and not me? Fatigue coursed through my veins. I needed to sleep. My body was shutting down, and it was my mind’s way of not being able to deal with the day.
I jerked awake, panting, beyond aroused. And became aware that Jackson’s face was buried between my legs. Early morning dawn light crept through the window. I looked down to see his broad shoulders and his messy hair as his mouth moved over me.
“Oh God,” I cried, my hips jerking up.
He lifted his head and looked up at me. He pinned my dazed look with a scrutiny that was so intense that I couldn’t even translate it. I felt so vulnerable, I almost couldn’t take it. And then he went back to blowing my mind.
I felt his big hands on my thighs, holding me open. His tongue swirled and skimmed, with a breathtaking persistence. A hoarse cry ripped out of me. The pleasure overwhelmed me. His unrelenting mouth tormented me, demanded of me, and stimulated me until I was begging with abandonment. I pleaded as the throbbing ache threatened to overwhelm me. I felt my entire body stiffen and then I was arching off the bed against his mouth, crying out his name, as the most glorious orgasm washed through my body.
He moved up the bed, on top of me, pushing my hair off my face.
“Emily.” His voice sounded tortured.
Oh God. If he mentioned her name, I was going to burst into tears. I felt so vulnerable, so completely exposed on every level, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
“Please,” my voice broke, not sure what I asked for. I was in a million pieces. He was the only one who could ground me.
He shut his eyes, fighting his desire. I could see the conflict on his face. His teeth clenched as he worked not to give in. I wrapped my legs around his waist. And then he slowly began to push himself into me.
I gasped as his huge male length pressed into me. I had forgotten what it was like. He was impossibly big. Filling me. My entire body shook as he imprisoned me. I felt him groan into my neck and then he lifted his head and locked eyes with me.
“Why is it like this every time I’m with you?” he asked, baffled before he bent his head and slowly sucked one of my sensitive nipples into his mouth. I moaned as he feasted on my breast, while my trembling legs tightened around his back.
He raised his head and then he began to move. His rhythm was powerful, breathtakingly primal and all Jackson. I was staggered by the sensations that flooded my body. The yearning in me skyrocketed to an insatiable hunger. I tossed my head and bit my lip as he devastated me with each throbbing thrust.
His big hands weaved into mine, and he was pinning them above my head. I loved how he took charge. He epitomized strength and male dominance as he moved into me with such a fierce purpose.
“Oh God,” I moaned, tightening my legs around him as he relentlessly drove into me.
“You like it when I do this to you?” his voice was almost a growl.
“Yes,” I pleaded.
“You feel unbelievable.”
I was out of breath. Panting. Out of my mind with greed. I loved how he moved with an almost savage, single-minded determination.
“Oh,” I whimpered, as I felt my entire body clench. He sank deep into me and lifted his head to watch me fall apart. My weak arms struggled against his grip, and then my entire body bowed up, clenching around him, before shattering into a million pieces.
His eyes shut, wincing. “Oh, Jesus.”
He began to move again, this time for his release. His driving thrusts pushed me a foot up the bed, and then his head arched back, wincing, as he buried himself deep into me. I felt his hot release as his body shuddered into mine.
My entire body shook. All my nerves fired, my heart had a beat, yet I felt wasted. Drugged. Like my bones were melted. We both breathed hard.
I dragged my eyes open to look at his face. He studied me for a long moment. “I should have told you about Harper.”
I shut my eyes as everything rushed back to me.
“Emily.”
Yes, we had just had mind-blowing sex, but that didn’t change the fact that he had been in a very committed and serious relationship before this train wreck of a relationship had derailed his life. And now he was talking about her.
“It changes everything.”
His voice was so low. “It doesn’t have to.”
“I’m scared.”
“Can you trust me on that?”
“I don’t know how.”
I didn’t. I was a mixture of torrid thoughts, wild swinging emotions, and my compass was so far off center I didn’t even know if I was heading up or down.
He lifted himself up and out of me. And then he rolled away from me. I lay there huddled and watched as he sat on the edge of the bed. He rubbed his hands over his face. He gave me a long look over his shoulder and then he stood up, pulled on a pair of sweats and walked out.
I curled up on my side and cried myself to sleep.