15. Addison
Addison
# Never ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to
W e had a lovely dinner after the dance rehearsals and I got to spend some time with Brax and Eva before they headed off to their cabin, barely able to keep their hands off each other as soon as they got out of the door.
As happy as I am for them to have found their person, I can’t help but feel a pang of envy too.
Because why can’t I find that? Chase was also with us, of course, and I will admit that it wasn’t entirely terrible being in his company
After dinner, we walk back to the cabin, both of us fairly quiet.
I assume he’s tired, or full from dinner—or both.
But I’m quiet because I’m not entirely sure what happened between us when we were dancing earlier.
It definitely felt like he was flirting with me, and I’m sure I flirted back.
Or are we just too familiar with each other that I can’t decipher the difference between that and Chase just being Chase.
And what the hell does all of that even mean if it’s true? Two days ago, I hated him. At least I spent eight years of my life convincing myself I hated him.
Clearly, I don’t.
Clearly, I am losing my mind.
When we get into the cabin, Chase lights the fire in the living room, and I make some tea. Ginger for me. Rooibos for him.
I add a small shot of bourbon to each and then we sit in front of the fire, each of us staring into the flames and a ton of unspoken tension between us. When I can’t bear the silence any longer, I take a sip of tea and find the courage to speak. “So, the spanking?” I blurt out.
He smirks at me, an eyebrow raised in amusement. “You liked the sound of that, did you, Firefly?”
Yes, I did, but I will never admit that aloud to you. “No, I mean the actual spanking. You smacked my ass while we were dancing.”
He shrugs. “You rolled your eyes. Did I or did I not warn you there would be consequences if you kept doing that?”
“Yes, but I didn’t think you actually meant it.”
He turns a little in his seat, like he’s giving me his full attention. “I don’t say things I don’t mean, Addie.”
I know those words weren’t intended to hurt me, but my heart splinters open anyway. “Well, we both know that’s not true, don’t we?”
He takes a swig of his tea and then sucks on his top lip, staring into the flames once more.
“I truly am sorry, Addie. I was a huge fucking asshole. I betrayed you and even worse, I made you feel worthless, and I will never forgive myself for that. But that was a long time ago, and I promise you I’ve changed. ”
The image of him with her, touching another girl while his cum was still inside me, is burned into my conscious for all eternity. I’ve tried so hard and so many times to erase it, but it’s always there, like the image of an x-ray seared into my brain.
“Why did you do it, Chase?” All these years and I realize I’ve never actually asked him why.
He blows out a breath and then he just stares at me for what feels like an eternity.
“For the longest time I convinced myself that it was because I wasn’t thinking straight.
It was my second Christmas without my mom and I was…
” He scrubs a hand over his face. “I was an asshole, Addie. I was drinking a lot. Screwing any girl who smiled at me. But none of it even touched taking the edge off that pain. And then there was you…” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard.
“And I felt something for the first time since my mom died, and it scared the hell out of me. When Hayley came to my place, I told her we were done for good. And then she asked if we could have one more…she took off her clothes and I…”
I watch the range of emotions flickering over his face like the reflection of the flames in the hearth.
“There’s no excuse. I like to think I’d have come to my senses and told her to leave before things got too far, but I honestly don’t fucking know if that’s true.
She asked me to fuck her and I … I guess a fucked-up part of me wanted to feel that same connection to her that I had to you, even though I knew it was impossible. ”
He stops looking into the flames and turns to me, his eyes so dark they no longer look blue at all. “I have no excuse for acting like such an insensitive fuck-knuckle.”
I sit with the information, and if I’m honest, it’s what I always expected he would say if I ever got the chance to ask.
I’ve known Chase for so long, and I’m aware of how conflicted he must have felt after our night together.
I was Brax’s little sister, and our history together was a complicated one.
“I almost forgave you, you know,” I croak out the words as the memories come rushing back to the surface.
He blinks.
“I knew that you were hurting over your mom, and I knew that Hayley was desperate to win you back after she’d come all the way to Juniper Ridge to see you, so I went back to your place later that afternoon.”
His eyes grow wider and he swallows hard.
“I wanted to talk to you and see what was going on in your head. I was stupid enough to want to give you a chance to explain, even after what you did.”
“Addie!” His voice is as raw as the memories assaulting me.
“You were with Freddie. I heard you talking…” I leave that hanging in the air.
His face crumples. “Addie, no.”
I nod. “I heard it all, Chase.”