17. Chase
Chase
# Don’t pick open old wounds and expect them not to bleed
I f I ever had a heart, then it belonged to Addison Kinsella, and she just eviscerated it. No, actually she didn’t. I eviscerated it myself eight years ago.
I recall that day so vividly. The guilt of what I did with Hayley.
The pain on Addie’s face when she caught us in my bed.
Standing in the freezing rain, watching her literally run from me.
I’d never felt so thoroughly shit about myself before or since—until now anyway.
Because after Hayley left, I made it one hundred times fucking worse, and my only solace was that Addie hadn’t heard those awful things I said.
I can recall Freddie’s smug face and how I wanted to punch him.
I should have. Maybe then I wouldn’t have told him the worst lie I’ve ever told anyone.
The words that I know must have broken Addie’s heart.
Addie takes a deep breath, tears shining in her hazel eyes. “I heard you tell your buddy Freddie that what we did meant nothing to you. How I was desperate for someone to hook up with and so you threw me a bone. ”
Her words—or rather mine, from her mouth, lance through my heart, sharper than a shard of glass. I’d had no fucking idea she’d heard that…and if I had, I would have begged for her forgiveness a long time ago.
I’m too stunned, too full of shame, too overwhelmed to speak.
She wraps the blanket around herself and stares into the fire.
Protecting herself from me and from that memory that still obviously causes her so much pain.
Of course it fucking does. It pains me more than I can bear, so I can’t begin to imagine how much hearing me tell someone our first time together meant nothing must have hurt.
It felt so very fucking wrong to say those words about her, and had I known she heard them…
What would I have done? The truth is, I have no fucking idea.
I was too messed up to deal with anything, and I was nowhere near a good enough man for her. It’s still no excuse though.
“I’m sorry, Addie.” The words aren’t even close to enough, but they’re all I have.
She sniffs. “Like you said, it was a long time ago.”
“No. Don’t make this easy on me. What I said is unforgivable…” I let those words hang in the air between us.
I could tell her that I didn’t mean a word of it but I’m not sure it matters to her now. The fact is, she believed I meant those horrible things I said for the past eight years. When she was already vulnerable and hurting, I caused her more pain than I can even bear to imagine.
Guilt and regret ball into a thick knot in my throat and I can’t swallow past them. I don’t know how to move past this, although I do know I need to figure out a way to at least try.