Chapter 30
thirty
. . .
Gracie
Even though my heart was breaking, I couldn’t help but smile when my alarm went off, and I realized I was sleeping between Cutler and Meatball. We knew it was our last night together and had stayed up most of the night, falling asleep about an hour ago.
I didn’t care.
I could sleep on the flight.
We’d had sex three times, taking advantage of every last moment.
“You up?” Cutler’s voice was sleepy and gruff, and I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
“I’m up. But we have a visitor.” I crawled down to the end of the bed, and Cutler chuckled when he realized Meatball was with us.
“Come on, buddy. Let’s get our girl some coffee before I take her to the airport.”
I got dressed quickly, brushed my hair and teeth, and that was as much as I was willing to do this morning. I tossed the last few things in my suitcase and wheeled it out to the front door, where he’d rolled the other one out last night.
I was a weird mix of completely relaxed from hours of fabulous sex and sick to my stomach about saying goodbye.
I dreaded it.
“Coffee.” Cutler handed me a to-go cup and grabbed my bags to take them to his truck.
I bent down and said goodbye to Meatball before hurrying out to join him. The sun was just starting to come up, and he’d loaded my luggage and had my door open.
When I climbed in, he reached over and buckled my seat belt.
“Hey,” he said, pausing and waiting for me to look at him.
“Hey.”
“We’re not going to do this big sad goodbye, all right?” He kissed my hair and then closed the door and got in the driver’s seat. He was quiet as he drove toward the airport.
“So are we just going to say nothing?”
He chuckled. “Of course not. I’m just saying, let’s not make it harder than it has to be. We’ll talk all the time, and we’ll see how it goes. There are airplanes, we can visit. No need for goodbyes.”
I nodded. “Okay. And of course we’ll talk. We’ve always talked every day. Why would that change now?”
“It won’t.”
How is he so calm?
I was freaking out on the inside, and ready to fall apart, and he appeared to be completely…unbothered.
“You’re doing it, Jeege.” He pulled into the passenger pickup area at the airport.
“Doing what?”
“Overthinking. Spiraling. I know you well, and that’s what’s happening.”
I was tired and grumpy and sad. I was in no mood to be analyzed.
“I’m not overthinking. I’m thinking a normal amount. And you don’t seem to be thinking at all,” I grumped when he put the car in park.
“Is that what you want? Would it be easier for you if we get in a fight right before you leave?” He raised a brow, the corners of his lips twitching the slightest bit.
“Is this funny to you?” I hissed, pushing the passenger door open.
He beat me to the back of the truck and grabbed my bags. Was he in a hurry to get me out of here now? A few days ago he’d pushed to come with me to get me settled in, and now he was basically dropping me at the curb and telling me that we weren’t going to say goodbye.
“It’s not funny. I’m trying to make this easier for you.”
“Easier for me? Or easier for you?” I gave him a look as a whistle blew from behind me.
I whipped around to see an older man in a security shirt watching us.
Seriously? Hardly anyone was here this morning—it was completely unnecessary.
“It’s not easy for me, Jeege.”
“Well, it’ll be easier to date with me out of your hair,” I said, feeling a lump form in my throat as tears blurred my eyes.
“Okay, you really do want to pick a fight, don’t you.” He placed his hands on my shoulders. “I love you. I fucking love you. I’m trying to do the right thing here for you. Not for me. For you.”
I blew out a breath. “Well, you don’t have to do the right thing now. You’re a free man. I don’t live here, remember?”
This surge of emotions had me completely off-kilter.
His gaze locked with mine, and he didn’t speak for a few beats. “Call me when you land, Jeege.”
“Fine,” I huffed.
What was happening to me?
Was this a coping mechanism? Was he right?
I was overthinking.
I was spiraling.
He wrapped his arms around me as the whistle blew again from behind me.
“You need to move that truck now,” the man called out, and I turned around and glared at him before looking back at Cutler.
I couldn’t handle this.
It was too much.
“Okay. I should go.” I took a few steps back, my bottom lip wobbling, and he stood there looking as steady as an oak tree.
He exhaled. “I love you. I’m proud of you. Go chase your dreams, baby.”
“I love you. Take care,” I told him.
Take care?
What?
I hated everything about this goodbye.
Hated it.
I turned around and walked toward the door, because I just needed it to end.
I was sleep-deprived, though it had been worth it.
I would probably never have good sex again.
But that wasn’t really my fear.
My biggest fear was that I would never truly love anyone the way I loved Cutler.
And that was my burden to bear. I was the one who was leaving.
I turned around and watched him drive away.
He was gone.
It was over.
At least this version of us was over.
I walked inside and checked my bags, going through the motions in a blur.
Once I’d made it to the gate, they were already boarding.
I was grateful that Johnny had insisted on flying me first class for the move, because I’d have a roomier seat to sleep in.
Or at least I imagined so: I’d never actually flown first class.
I boarded the plane and slipped my carry-on beneath the seat in front of me and buckled myself in.
I reached into my purse for my phone, just as a man who appeared to be a few years older than me slipped into the seat beside me.
I wasn’t in the mood for awkward pleasantries, but I smiled and nodded before glancing down to see a text from Cutler.
Bear
I love you. It doesn’t matter where you live, or how far apart we are. That doesn’t change.
People continued boarding as I stared down at my phone. I kept doing so while the flight attendant gave us the little spiel about how to survive if we crash-landed on a farm somewhere.
The lump in my throat was so thick it was difficult to swallow.
I quickly typed a message back before we took off.
I love you too. But everything is going to change. It’s inevitable.
Bear
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Really? Not a single thing? We’d now be living on opposite sides of the country.
Was this sleep deprivation causing me to be so irrational?
“Ma’am, would you like something to drink before we take off?”
Wow. First class was no joke. When I flew home from Paris, my lips were chapped from dehydration, but here we were still on the ground and I was being offered a beverage.
“I would love a water,” I said, and it sounded more like a croak.
I would not lose my shit on an airplane.
I wasn’t that girl.
“If you’d like something else, we can bring it out for you.”
I shook my head frantically. “No. No. The water is great.”
My voice cracked on the last word, and her eyes widened, but she hurried off to get our drinks.
“Are you all right?” the man beside me said, and he looked at me as if he was concerned.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’m just sad, I’m not going to lose it,” I said, my voice wobbling, and he chuckled.
“I’m not worried you’re going to lose it. Just making sure you’re all right.”
“Thank you. I’ll be fine,” I said as the flight attendant set down my water and a hot coffee for him.
“Goodbyes are tough sometimes. I get it.” He winked.
Goodbyes were tough. And this one was the worst goodbye of all time.
I’d just acted like a complete asshole to the man I loved. The man who’d supported me when my life had spiraled. The man who had supported me when this opportunity presented itself.
He’d been completely selfless, and I’d acted like a child when I’d said goodbye.
I reached for my phone and sent another text just as we prepared for takeoff.
Sorry for acting ridiculous when I said goodbye. I’ll text you when I land. Love you.
“Please make sure all of your devices are in airplane mode,” the flight attendant said, and I was fairly certain she was talking directly to me from where she stood up front talking into a microphone.
I tucked my phone away and reached for the tissue in my backpack.
“Yes. I hate goodbyes.” I blew my nose, and it was much louder than I expected, and I gave the man next to me an apologetic look.
My chest ached.
My head was pounding.
And I just wanted to make it all go away.
I stared out the window until my eyelids were so heavy that they finally closed.
And I’d slept for what felt like hours when a hand on my shoulder startled me from my slumber.
“You might want to start waking up,” the deep voice next to me said. “We’re about to land.”
I’d slept the entire flight.
I felt slightly out of it, but much more rested and less—on the verge of a meltdown.
The flight attendant asked us to put our seat backs up to the original position, and I did so.
“Sorry if I startled you,” he said. “Just figured you’d want a few minutes awake before we landed. I’m Tripp, by the way.”
I rubbed my eyes and yawned. “No. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. I needed the sleep.”
“Do you live in New York?” Tripp asked.
“I’m moving there.”
Nope. The waiting meltdown was still there in the form of a gigantic lump in my throat.
“Ahhh…big move. I’m sure it’s scary and hard, but trust me when I tell you, you’re about to experience the most magical city in the world,” he said confidently. “Born and raised there.”
I nodded. “I’m excited to be there. It’s just hard to say goodbye to the people I love.”
He turned to me and smiled now. “Trust me. If they’re your people, it won’t matter where you live. They’ll stick around.”
“I hope you’re right.”
We were quiet as we made our descent into JFK.
This next chapter was about to begin.
Once we landed, I waved goodbye to Tripp, then grabbed my luggage where Johnny was waiting for me.
“Hey, thanks so much for picking me up,” I said as he wrapped me up in a hug.
“I couldn’t wait to see you, darling. And I want to take you over to your new place. I live just a few blocks from you, so we’re practically neighbors.” He chuckled.
I smiled, though it felt forced.
We made our way outside to the waiting car, and we chatted the entire way to my new home until the driver pulled up in front of my building.
The driver stepped out of the car and pulled open the back door, and we both stepped out onto the street as the sound of horns blasting made me jump the slightest bit.
He pulled my luggage from the trunk as I tipped my head back to take in the gorgeous building, and we both thanked him for the ride as we walked toward the entrance.
Johnny used a key before pulling the exterior door to the building open. It looked like a hotel in here, with people bustling around, and the lobby was absolutely stunning.
“All of the keys are color-coded. This blue key is for your exterior door. You can buzz people up from inside,” he said as we wheeled my two suitcases onto the elevator.
He pushed open the door to my apartment, and I couldn’t help but gasp once I stepped inside.
It was small but quite possibly the most charming apartment on the planet.
The photos hadn’t done it justice. The place had a stone fireplace, and French doors that opened to the street.
It was decorated like a French flat, and I knew I’d be comfortable here.
The furnishings were gorgeous and completely my style.
“You’ve got thirty minutes to freshen up, darling,” he said. “The team is meeting us at the restaurant downstairs for a drink and dinner to welcome you here on your first night.”
I wanted to fall in a heap on the floor, but I nodded. It was time to rally. This was what I’d come here for. “Sounds great. Thank you so much. The restaurant is right downstairs?”
“Yes. It’s in the entrance of the building. We’ll get a nibble and a cocktail, and then I’ll give you a tour. There’s a gym and a coffee shop and the restaurant as well.” He kissed my cheek. “Welcome home, darling. See you soon.”
I opened my luggage, noting the four boxes stacked in the corner that I’d shipped here ahead of time. I grabbed some dark jeans and a black sweater and my boots and quickly changed.
I thought about the last words Cutler had said to me.
I’m proud of you. Go chase your dreams, baby.
It was time to pull up my big girl pants and do what I’d come here to do.