Chapter 32
thirty-two
. . .
Gracie
I’d been in New York for a month now, and the city was taking some getting used to.
It was both fabulous and overwhelming.
It was louder and more crowded than I was used to.
The energy was amazing, and business was booming and very busy. I loved my job, though it was a very different vibe here as far as design.
It was an amazing mix of styles, which reflected the city well. The two clients I’d taken on so far were definitely on the contemporary side. One of the projects was a modern loft, and the other was what I would call industrial chic.
Both were very minimalist, whereas my preferred design was definitely not that.
I loved floral arrangements and pottery and area rugs and curtains and artwork.
I loved to show life in every room I designed.
But you had to be adaptable as a designer.
I stepped out of our office building and strode down the street toward my favorite café. At moments like this, I did feel like I was channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw.
But I missed the mountains and the lake and the peacefulness of small-town living.
I’d grown up in a small town. I’d gone to college in a small town.
And then I’d lived in Los Angeles for a few years, and I remembered liking city living so much more in my early twenties than I did now.
I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit that what I missed most was Cutler.
We talked every day and texted as well. But it wasn’t the same.
I wanted to ask him if he was dating anyone, but I never let myself go there, nor did he.
We were just going to play it by ear.
That was the plan, or the lack of a plan.
I cried myself to sleep most nights because I missed having him beside me. I couldn’t tell him that, because he was a fixer, and he’d want to make it better.
But this was something that I needed to do.
I needed to take on this challenge and give it a fair chance.
I pulled the door to the café open, and Jovi waved at me. She was going to school not too far from here, and we’d been trying to meet for a glass of wine at least once a week.
It helped me feel like a piece of home was here with me.
“I ordered you your favorite chardonnay,” she said. “And happy Halloween, by the way.”
“Is it Halloween? How did I not know that?” I chuckled. “I swear the days are blurring together.”
“Well, that will happen when you put in sixteen-hour workdays.” She smirked. “I’m proud of you, though. You’re doing your thing, girl.”
I snorted. “I’m trying.”
I worked long days, which kept me from stopping to think about how homesick I was.
Could you be homesick for a person?
Yes, apparently I can.
“Are you and Cutler still talking every day?” she asked as she sipped her wine.
“Yes. But we’ve always talked every day, so we’re in a weird place. I don’t know what we are.”
“Are you dating anyone?”
“No.”
“Do you want to date anyone?”
“No. How can I date someone when I’m in love with Cutler? It doesn’t matter where I live,” I said with a shrug. I took a sip of my chardonnay. “I don’t want anyone else.”
She leaned closer and smiled. “So why not just tell him that and make it official?”
“Because it’s selfish. I’d be asking him to be committed to me, when I live on the other side of the country and I don’t know how long I’ll be here. The man has needs.”
“You have needs too, and you aren’t tempted to be with anyone else. Maybe he feels the same way.”
“I don’t know. He sounded very distracted when I spoke to him yesterday, and I haven’t heard from him today.
He’s probably tired of this arrangement.
I can’t blame him. That’s why I didn’t put any sort of plan together.
It’s just—harder than I thought it would be.
But at the same time, I’m proud of myself for doing this.
I need to give this a shot. The experience is incredible, and I’m being challenged every day. ”
She smiled. “I’m proud of you too.”
“Okay, tell me your plans for tonight.”
“Do you want to go with me and my roommate to a Halloween party at a frat house tonight?”
My head fell back with laughter. “Absolutely not. I’m far too old for that. But tell me, is that cute guy from your economics class going to be there?”
“Yes. He’s the one who asked me to come. But I can’t tell if I like him yet. He’s giving me player vibes.”
“Well, trust your gut. But go and have some fun. It’s your last year of college. What are you wearing?” I asked, taking a sip of my wine.
“Do you promise you won’t laugh?”
“Never.”
“I’m going as Jane Austen.” She shrugged as a wide grin spread across her face.
“She wrote my favorite book, and I’m channeling my inner Regency era.
I love the way they dressed back then. I found something at this secondhand store, and I’m adding a vintage-looking brooch that I have from my grandmother, and then a cute headband.
So, if the playboy is looking for a sexy kitty, he’ll realize quickly I’m not that girl. ”
“Well, you are a business major with an English literature minor—that makes you the most interesting girl in the room at most parties.”
She chuckled, and we sat there talking and drinking wine for the next hour while her phone kept vibrating with missed calls.
“It’s my roommate. I should get going—I need to get my costume together.”
“Okay. You have to send me a pic of this magnificent costume. And if you get drunk and you need me to come get you, just call me. I’ll be home working.” I stood up and hugged her.
“You don’t have a car,” she pointed out.
“I’ll Uber to you and get you home safely, because being dressed as a woman from the 1800s is going to attract a lot of attention.” We both laughed.
“Love you, Gracie. I’ll text you later. Don’t work too late. You’re young and you’re hot,” she added with a chuckle. “You need to have some fun.”
“Love you. Be safe.” I waved as I stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the café, and she turned in the opposite direction.
I pulled my coat tighter and glanced down at my phone to see if Cutler had replied. I hadn’t heard from him today, which was very unlike him.
I walked toward my apartment building and smiled when a group of kids ran by in costumes.
A woman in an elegant white trench coat strode in my direction, and I glanced down at her dachshund, who was also wearing a white coat.
I covered my mouth to keep from laughing.
I’d sent Cutler a Halloween costume for Meatball, and I’d insisted he put it on him when he received it two days ago and then send me a photo.
He was a giant candy kiss, wrapped in faux foil with a tag coming out of the top of his head. I’d requested a selfie of the two of them, and it was now my screen saver.
My chest ached when I thought about Cutler.
I missed him in a way that I couldn’t explain.
I tipped my head back and looked up at the gray sky as a breeze bustled past me. Then I crossed the street and arrived at my building, where I came to an abrupt stop.
A tall man wearing a gray hoodie and a navy blazer with a pair of dark jeans was sitting on the bench outside the high-rise where I lived.
No. It couldn’t be him.
My pulse pounded in my ears as my eyes widened with disbelief when I took in his dark hair and chiseled jaw—and I just started running.
“Bear?” I shouted from about forty feet away, my heart racing.
He stood up and opened his arms, just as I launched myself into him.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, panting from the short sprint. “What? How? What are you doing here?”
“Hey, Jeege. Fancy meeting you here,” he said as a sexy grin spread across his handsome face.
“What are you doing? How are you here?”
“I missed my girl. Wanted to come see you and didn’t want you to tell me all the reasons why I didn’t need to do that.”
I gaped at him. “I wouldn’t have told you not to come.”
“No? You wouldn’t have worried about me missing work?”
“Well, maybe. I know how much you have on your plate right now.” I chuckled. “But I’m so happy to see you.”
“Listen, I know we said no plans, but I wanted to talk to you about that, so here I am.”
“Here you are. You’re full of surprises.” I pushed up on my tiptoes and kissed him. His hand tangled in my hair, and he kissed me right back.
Someone whistled from behind me, and I quickly pulled back as Cutler laughed and reached for my hand.
I led him inside, and as we rode the elevator up to my floor, I just stared at him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Is it a good thing?”
“It’s the best thing. I was struggling a little bit today,” I admitted, because he was here, so it seemed fair to just tell him how I was feeling.
And by “struggling a little,” I mean “struggling a lot.”
He nodded slowly. “I’ve been struggling too.”
I didn’t expect that. Cutler was always so calm and together, so I’d just imagined him back home living his best life.
What if he was here to tell me that he couldn’t handle the way we’d left things? What if he wanted to just call this done? Maybe he felt guilty about the idea of dating other women unless he officially told me first?
Or maybe he was here to tell me that he’d met someone.
Was this the “We should go back to being just friends” speech?
I’d understand if so. He must be lonely. I was lonely.
I was painfully lonely.
But I didn’t want anyone but him, so how was I supposed to fix that?
“Don’t go deciding why I’m here before you hear me out,” he said as the elevator door opened to my floor.
“How do you always know what I’m thinking?”
“Because I know you, maybe even better than I know myself.” He walked beside me as I pulled out my keys and opened the door.
He’d seen my place when we’d FaceTimed, so he knew what it looked like, but I thought it was even cuter in person.
“Johnny sure knows what you like, huh?” He smiled as he pulled his blazer off and dropped it on the barstool in the kitchen.
“Yeah. And I’m fairly certain this is the only apartment in the city that looks like this. Everything is very modern here, typically.”
“Well, he knew how to make sure you’d be comfortable, and I appreciate that.” He paused to glance around at the cozy sofa covered in throw pillows and the charming white kitchen with natural wood accents.
I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses. “He left me this bottle of wine the day I arrived as a welcome gift, and I’ve never had any desire to drink it until now.”
I handed Cutler the bottle opener. After he’d filled both of our glasses, we took them to the couch.
We settled on the white sofa, which had views of the city through the large window on the wall in front of us.
“Where’s Meatball?” I asked.
“He’s at the firehouse with Phoenix.” He chuckled. “He didn’t look too thrilled when I dropped him off dressed as a big candy kiss.”
I fell forward with a laugh, imagining the grumpy Phoenix with this big dog dressed in a Halloween costume.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I took a sip of wine and set my glass down on the table beside me.
“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, his gray hoodie stretched across his muscular chest, and it took everything in me not to slip my hands beneath the fabric and crawl onto his lap.
I wanted to touch him. To burrow into him and never let go.
But I needed to know why he’d shown up without telling me.
“And you said that you had something to talk to me about?”
He did that sexy slow nod as the corners of his lips turned up the slightest bit. He extended his arm and set his glass down on the coffee table. “I don’t like that we don’t have a plan.”
That wasn’t what I was expecting. “Since when do you like a plan regarding a relationship?”
“Since starting a relationship with you.”
“I’m guessing you want some form of closure, since we left things sort of in limbo.
I get it. There’s more at risk, right? You don’t want to mess up our friendship.
We can’t stay in this weird no-man’s-land.
It makes sense, and I understand.” I cleared my throat, preparing myself for the blow to come.
“I’m not worried about our friendship. That’ll never change.”
“So, what are you worried about?”
“Well, your ‘no plan’ theory means we can date other people, right?”
“Sure. Are you dating other people? Is that what you came here to tell me?” I forced a smile, making an effort to keep my tone even and unaffected. “Because we didn’t have any rules about that, so you haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Jeege.”
“Bear,” I said, keeping my voice light, even though I was freaking out on the inside.
“I am not dating other people. I don’t want to date other people. And I don’t want you to date other people.”
“You don’t?”
“I don’t.”
“If you change your mind, you just need to tell me first, so no one gets blindsided.” I blew out a breath.
“There is no changing my mind. I know what I want, and I came here to tell you exactly what that is.”
“What do you want?”
“I’m looking at her.”
My heart pounded in my chest.
He wanted me. And I wanted him.
“Are you sure about that?” I bit my bottom lip.
“Never been so sure about anything in my life.”
I smiled up at him. “Sounds like we have a new plan.”
He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me.
And though I was terrified of this blowing up in our faces, I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work.
Because the love of my life was sitting right in front of me.
And he wanted this as much as I did.