Chapter 3
“It’s time, London,” a voice sounds behind me as I sit at a vanity brushing my hair with my good arm.
I’m staring into the eyes of the reflection in the mirror.
They’re still empty. Nothing has come back to me in the last two weeks.
I finally shift my gaze higher and see my mother standing there, even if I don’t remember her.
I’ve only been home for a few days. But what is home? Neither me nor my sister live in this house with my parents anymore. We haven’t in years. We’re both adults and have our own lives. But they brought me here to help with my recovery.
They want to be there for me, and I get it. But I can’t stand the way everyone is hovering and the way they look at me when they think I won’t notice.
Nothing about this place is familiar. But I’ve studied every photograph I could find during my stay here so far. Aside from recognizing my face—simply from my reflection—and my sister’s, nothing has triggered for me yet.
“I don’t want to go,” I grit out.
My mother swallows hard with watery eyes.
“Neither do I, sweetheart. But we put off your sister’s funeral as long as we could.
There’s no part of me or your dad that wants to say goodbye to her, but it’s time.
If any of us are going to have a chance at healing, we have to do this. She needs to be laid to rest.”
The fury I feel at her words builds inside my chest and I can’t help but tell her how I feel. Laying my sister to rest won’t fix anything. It’s going to create a bigger hole in my heart and take an even bigger piece of my soul.
“I know she’s your child, but she’s my sister.
Not just my sister…my twin. I may not have my memory right now, and maybe I’ll never get it back, but I have what I know in my heart to be true.
I’ve been with her my entire life, and I don’t know how to live without her.
So, I don’t know how to say goodbye. Laying her to rest does not equate to me moving forward or on or whatever ridiculous notion you’re getting at.
I’ll always be stuck in this place without her,” I almost shout.
I try and fail to stand as my dad enters the room. I drop back down into my wheelchair in momentary defeat as tears track down my face the same way they have almost every day since I woke up to this living nightmare.
“Let me help you, London,” he says rushing toward me.
“I don’t want help! I want my memories back!
I want to walk again on my own! I want my sister to be alive!
I want everyone’s hearts to be back in one piece again!
But that’s never going to happen now! The moment you make me say goodbye to Lennon is the moment another piece of me is gone forever with her!
Don’t you understand?” I shout through the gaping, painful hole in my heart.
“I might be here physically, but you lost me the night you lost her!”
My dad stands there with his jaw clenched. I’m not making this any easier on them, and it’s not fair, but I can’t help it. These overwhelming emotions have no other place to go.
“I’ll call Hendrix, then,” my mother says from behind my dad.
“No. I don’t want to talk to him right now. After today, I think I should go to my place.”
“We’ll see. But for now, it’s time to go whether any of us want to or not,” my dad says firmly.
So many faces. Hendrix and Dash both linger close by, and my parents hover even closer.
I feel like I could suffocate under the weight of grief.
I keep glancing to where my twin’s lifeless body lies in the casket as if she can hear my thoughts.
Like somehow, she holds all the answers. And truth be told, she probably does.
A security detail stands just outside the double doors of the church. Apparently, Dash wasn’t joking about my sister being a racer. She’s a professional race car driver. Was…I mean.
Once the service is over, everyone has said their goodbyes except me.
My parents wisely decided to give me space although they’re nearby.
Hendrix is in the pew still staring at the casket even though he never actually came close to it.
He looks like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. And Dash stands just feet behind me.
I try to push myself up and everyone starts to move in to help me before I throw my good hand up to stop them. I’m still weak and I hurt all over, but I push through the pain as my unsteady form manages to hold upright so I can whisper one more time to my sister.
I smile down at her through watery eyes. “I wish you hadn’t left me. Everything is so messed up. I wish you could tell me what’s real and what’s not; tell me what’s true. But just know that I’ll always be holding your hand. Just like you asked me to,” I whisper as I gently touch her folded hands.
“Even if I can’t in this life anymore, I know I’ll see you in my dreams. My soul will always be linked to yours.
And when I get my memory back, I’ll keep living for the both of us somehow.
Promise,” I whisper as I say goodbye with the only words I can muster.
For me, this isn’t a goodbye, it’s “I’ll see you later. ”
I feel Dash’s heavy hand on my shoulder, and I grab it and squeeze his fingers as he helps me drop back into my chair. I keep my gaze on the floor as he pushes me outside. He kneels before me as everyone else wades through their own sea of grief.
“Are you okay?” he asks as his lower lip trembles.
I close my eyes as more tears drop. “No,” I whisper. “No, I’m not.”
He doesn’t try to placate me by telling me it’ll be all right.
He’s smart enough to know it would be a lie.
So, he does the only thing he can to console me.
He takes my empty right hand again, the one that keeps reaching for something to hold on to.
And for the first time since I woke up in this hell of a nightmare, I feel like I have something to cling to… right or wrong.
I’m not sure what scares me more; wondering if I’ll get my memories back or my racing heart when I’m around Dash. Because he’s not supposed to be mine, but he feels closer to home than anything else has in the last two weeks.
When I glance up from where Dash kneels before me, I find Hendrix’s cold stare on me, and it makes me pull my hand from Dash’s grasp. I may not remember Hendrix, but I’d never intentionally cause him pain.
Dash stands and turns to see what I’m staring at. Then, he glances at me again before walking away.
Hendrix walks to where I’m waiting and stops in front of me. “Are you ready?” he asks almost clinically. As if he’s trying to detach himself emotionally.
“Does it matter?” I ask.
“No, I guess it doesn’t,” he says quietly with his hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants. “I’ll see you at the cemetery.”
As he starts to move around me so my parents can usher me to their car, I call after him.
“Hendrix…” I trail off waiting for him to respond.
“Thank you.”
“For what, London?”
“For trying to help me. I know this isn’t easy on anyone. But especially you. You love London—”
He cuts me off as he walks back toward me. “I do love London. And London is you.”
“Maybe so. But I don’t know her. I don’t know how to be her. Right now, it sort of feels like you’re in love with a ghost. And I’m sorry for that.”
His chin drops but he holds my stare before moving closer once more.
“You’ll get your memories back, London. I have faith in you and what you’re capable of.”
“What if you don’t love me when I do? Or what if…” I fall silent again because saying the words I’m thinking seem too cruel to be spoken out loud.
He smiles sadly. “What if you don’t love me anymore?” he asks before glancing toward where Dash is getting into his truck.
Hendrix closes his eyes for a few seconds before attempting an answer. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what you’d like me to say to that question.”
“I want the truth, Hendrix. Even if it hurts,” I tell him.
“I’ll always love you, London. There’s nothing that could change my feelings for you. And if you find yourself again, your truth, and it’s not me you love, it’ll hurt like hell. But I’ll let you go if it’s what you need. I just want you to be happy.”
He crouches in front of me like Dash did moments before.
He tips my chin up gently to make sure I’m listening.
“But I’ll fight for you before I walk away completely.
Just know that. I don’t mean it in an asshole way.
But until I’m sure I’ve done everything in my power to respectfully try to win back your heart, I’ll fight. You understand?”
“Yes,” is all I manage to say before he wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. Then he walks away leaving me wondering how I don’t remember loving a man like him.
I’m the last one left at the gravesite. My parents said they’d give me an hour or so alone. But they’re only a phone call away. They went to a little café about ten minutes down the road. Apparently, it’s a place Lennon and I loved growing up.
Lennon. Lennon Shay Tyler. I trace her name etched into the unforgiving stone. This is all wrong. What happened that night? No one has fessed up to what’s in the accident report. They’re all trying to protect me, but maybe if I read it…
My brows furrow in frustration. “Tell me what to do, Lennon. I’m lost.” I talk to her like she’ll answer.
The sun is low and starting to cast shadows beneath its golden glow.
The day has been beautiful. What kind of irony is that?
A day like this should be gray skies above me and thunder rolling in the distance threatening a storm the likes of which I’ve never seen.
But no, the sun mocks my grieving heart.
Something winking against the setting sun catches my attention in the distance.
I squint to see better. I can’t make out who is standing there, but I know it’s a man.
He’s leaned against a tree. I’m sure he’s just visiting a grave, the same as me.
But something about him being there sends a chill down my spine.
If I could walk and defend myself, I feel like I’d investigate. I wonder if I’ve always had that quality…to poke at potential danger.
Deciding it’s time to leave for now, I pull out my cell phone and text my parents to come get me. I glance at this new phone. I’m told they couldn’t find my old phone or Lennon’s and maybe it’s for the best.
I don’t want anything to sway my memories. I want them to return as organically as possible.
I glance back toward where the man was standing, but he’s gone. Maybe he was never there at all. Maybe my mind conjured him up. It seems to be playing tricks on me since I woke up from the coma, so anything is possible.