Chapter 16
“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”
—Henry Ford
Devon
After they left, I felt lonely and sad, and worst of all, I felt hopeless.
The fact that William had proposed getting back together made my heart beat with irrational joy.
I could no longer deny that he was becoming an important person in my life, but I didn’t want my well-being to depend on him—I couldn’t allow it.
He had everything to make me happy, but I didn’t have what it took to make him happy.
That’s why I was also distressed; I was aware that I couldn’t aspire to a future with him.
I couldn’t condemn him to be with a woman who couldn’t give him children.
What kind of future can you have with someone like me?
Someone with whom you can’t hope to have a family.
Lino had told me that I had ruined his life and made him waste his time.
I didn’t want to do the same to William and Aurora.
He deserved more children, and Aurora deserved to share her life with siblings.
My mother’s call pulled me from my thoughts. I hesitated to answer because it was always to reproach me about something or make me feel like crap, but, as always, I ended up answering.
“Mom.”
“I could have died and you wouldn’t even know because you can’t be bothered to call me,” she reproached me with her authoritative voice, but it didn’t surprise me at all because our conversations always started like this.
I had learned to live with her constant reproaches in which she always blamed me for everything, even for her own mistakes and my sister’s.
“Are you sick?” I asked, knowing it was just victimization.
“Oh, for God’s sake! Don’t even mention it,” she said, and I imagined her crossing herself. “Of course I’m not, but no thanks to you who doesn’t even care about my health.”
“I’ve been very busy with work and I didn’t want to bother you during the hours when I could call,” I stated, though that wasn’t true. I didn’t mind lying to her.
“That job, don’t even get me started because I don’t know why you studied that. You can’t have children and you spend your time with little kids who remind you daily that you’ll never be able to have one of your own,” she said, returning to the same old topic.
“Mom, did you have anything else to tell me? Because I was just leaving the house.”
“Just that your sister has a boyfriend and they’ll probably set a date any moment now,” she informed me, and I could hear the happiness it gave her to say it.
“I’m very happy for her. Tell her congratulations and that I’m glad she’s happy.”
“At least one of my daughters will manage to be married and form a family. That’s all a mother wants. Because if I wait for you...”
“Then I’m happy for you too. Goodbye, Mom, I have to go.”
I hung up hearing her saying something, but I didn’t even understand what it was nor did I care.
Let them be happy and leave me in peace.
My mother’s call couldn’t have been more timely.
Just when I was thinking about William and my limitations for forming a family, she called to remind me of it.
I sighed, tired. I needed to go out for some fresh air and distraction.
The phone rang again and I fully intended to turn it off thinking it was my mother again, but it was Orson.
“Hello, handsome. How are you?” I greeted him when I answered.
“Wanting to see my friend. How about we have lunch together? Come with the little one and we’ll entertain her between the two of us,” he proposed.
“Aurora isn’t with me anymore, her father picked her up a while ago.”
“Aaah, so you met with Cavaller today,” he said, then paused and added, “Well, better, that way we have the whole day to ourselves because I’m not working today. Shall I pick you up in an hour?”
“That’s fine. Thank you, Orson.”
“I know you, beautiful, and I’m sure you’re feeling a bit down. Is it because the little one left?”
“Partly. I have several things to tell you and I also need advice.”
“I’m on my way there now.”
“See you soon.”
A while later we were sitting in an Italian restaurant we had been to several times because the food was exquisite and the service impeccable. After deciding on our dishes and placing our order, the time came to face my friend’s inevitable questions.
“What’s going on with Cavaller?”
“We slept together again,” I said, and my friend looked at me with eyes wide as saucers.
“When did this happen? Wasn’t he in New York?”
“He arrived last night and came straight to my apartment to pick up his daughter, but the little one was already asleep and so... you know.”
“No, I don’t know anything. I still don’t have a crystal ball to know what’s happening in my friend’s life. Tell me everything and don’t skip anything,” he demanded, looking at me intently.
“He told me he had thought about me a lot and asked if I had thought about him.”
—What did you tell him?
—I told him the truth, that I had thought about him. Then we kissed and ended up having sex —I summarized.
—And where do you go from here?
—I think he wants us to continue what we had left off —I said.
—Actually, you were the one who ended it because he cheated on you.
—Well, that’s another matter. He didn’t cheat on me; the day we saw him, he was having dinner with his former sister-in-law, his deceased wife’s sister. It seems they meet once a month, or something like that, to talk about Aurora. Besides, he assured me he hasn’t been seeing anyone —I told him.
Orson fell silent, looking thoughtful as he stared at me with narrowed eyes.
—Isn’t that a bit strange? I mean, it seems odd that they would meet just the two of them instead of the aunt coming to see the little girl.
—I thought so too, but I didn’t want to question anything about his family relationships because he’s very strict about his privacy.
—And why didn’t he tell you this when you accused him of cheating? —he continued questioning.
—I suppose because I told him I considered him untrustworthy —I stated, though the reality was that I didn’t know why he hadn’t defended himself either.
—A lot of assumptions —he said, shaking his head.
—Do you think he’s lying to me?
Again he remained silent for several seconds.
—I can’t make any claims about him because I don’t know him; it would be unfair —he sighed, and added—: What I don’t want is for you to get hurt.
Cavaller is a grown man with much more experience and worldliness than you.
All I ask is that, if you’re now determined to embark on a relationship with him, be careful, protect your heart.
That man is a widower with a daughter; I imagine he’s not looking for anything formal or permanent, but you’re a sweet girl and you could fall into his web and fall madly in love. Proceed with caution, darling.
—Thank you, Orson. To be honest, I still don’t know what’s going to happen. He invited me to have dinner with them today, but…
—Them?
—Him and Aurora.
—Wait, wasn’t the agreement that you wouldn’t be seen together in front of his daughter?
—Apparently that’s changed too.
—Whoa! —he whistled, as if that really surprised him—. Then we’re talking about a different kind of relationship; the secret affair is no longer the case —he stated.
—I don’t know, I really don’t know.
—Let me tell you that I feel something contradictory.
On one hand, I’m happy because you deserve much more than what he was offering you, you deserve everything; but on the other hand, I’m worried that this relationship with him and his daughter will end up destroying you.
I know you, darling, I know what you think about yourself and your future.
—You’re right. I can’t offer him any…
—Stop right there, Devon! Don’t start with that because you know it really bothers me to hear you say those things. I don’t agree with you and I never will.
At that moment my phone rang with an incoming message. It was from him.
William:
?Dinner tonight, the three of us?
At my place. You can’t say no.
We need to see each other?
I decided not to respond because I wanted to think about it more carefully.
—It’s a message from him. He insists that we have dinner tonight.
—And? —my friend asked.
—I’m going to think about it more. I’m very confused, Orson.
—I can see that, and that’s what worries me most. You’re afraid to take a step forward because of fear, and that’s because you have no control over what might happen —he stated, hitting exactly on what I was feeling—.
In life, one of the hardest things is making decisions, but we are the only ones responsible for our lives and we must make them despite everything and everyone.
You’re brave, darling, very brave; whatever decision you make, I’ll support you and be by your side.
I stretched my hand across the table and took his, knowing that Orson was my family and one of the people I could always count on.
A while later I was in my apartment thinking about what to respond, but I couldn’t analyze it much because William called me.
—Hello —I answered, aware that my voice sounded hesitant.
—You didn’t respond to my invitation —he reproached.
—I didn’t respond because I’m not sure that going to your house is the best thing for Aurora. As you yourself said, if we share things together we might confuse her, and I don’t want to hurt her.
—Just for today, Devon. Because we went to the beach and she’s very tired, but she hasn’t stopped asking for you —he commented, and that didn’t surprise me because I was well aware that Aurora had become very attached to me.